


But I Thought You Were Straight

by Misscar



Series: Warning: Assumptions are bad [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assumptions are bad, Blow Jobs, Character Study, Child Abuse, Dubious Consent, F/M, Families of Choice, First Time, Genocide, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kelvin Timeline AU, M/M, News Media, One-Sided Relationship, POV Multiple, POV Outsider, Self-Reflection, Sex Addiction, Stereotypes, Tarsus IV, War Crimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:37:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because even in the 23th century people still make assumptions. Five people who assumed Jim Kirk was straight and the one individual who knew better from the beginning but still got a surprise. Character Study/longest 5 +1 ever.</p><p>This story is dedicated to anybody who has heard any variation of "Jim Kirk is too much of a ladies' man (slut, ho, player) to be gay (bi, pan, sleeping with Spock, in love with Spock, married to Spock) and tried desperately not to break out into laughter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One: Winona Kirk's Adventures in Denial Land

**Author's Note:**

> Summary: Because even in the 23th century people still make assumptions. Five people who assumed Jim Kirk was straight and the one individual who knew better from the beginning but still got a surprise. Character Study/longest 5 +1 ever.  
> This is a revised version of But I Thought You Were Straight originally published in late 2010 now with less typos and clearer dialogue. The new version has been edited by Unforgiven1290  
> AU after the first film because I wrote this years before the second film came out.
> 
> This story is dedicated to anybody who has heard any variation of "Jim Kirk is too much of a ladies' man (slut, ho, player) to be gay (bi, pan, sleeping with Spock, in love with Spock, married to Spock) and tried desperately not to break out into laughter.  
> Rating M for sexual situations and frank discussions about sexual orientation/identity/stereotypes  
> Warning: Assumptions are bad.  
> Other warnings in this section: Mentions of child abuse, allusions to sexual assault, sexual situations of multiple orientations, mentions of violence, genocide, and bad language.  
> Pairings: Various Jim/other ending with Jim/Spock. 'Mentions' of Spock/Uhura because it's AOS cannon and Spock/Pike because certain TOS episodes made me wonder.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Fortunately, because I don't own it I only have to please myself.

Winona was never the best mom, although she didn't know that at the time. She may have raised the youngest captain in Starfleet history, but she wonders if that happened despite her efforts instead of because of her involvement in her son's life.

She provided her sons with everything they needed. At least she thought she did. They had food, a safe place to live (at least they did after she divorced Frank when Jim was 11), the latest clothing, and electronics. Her sons never wanted for anything that was tangible. (Love and affection from their mother was an entirely different issue.) It was years later after she became aware of how little she knew about her youngest son that she realized what a true failure she was.

She gave her sons all the material things they wanted but not her time or her attention. They had her love in word not deed. For example, when her youngest son drove her late husband's antique car into a ravine, she didn't bother to come back until the police/Jane showed her the images of her bloody and bruised child after her then dick of a husband beat the hell out of him. She will never forgive herself for what she allowed that monster to do to her baby because it was so much easier for her to function in denial land.

It was difficult adjusting to life after her husband George died. Maybe that was just the excuse she used to justify her decision to leave her children behind as soon as she could. She returned to space when little Jimmy was only five months old, leaving her two sons behind with various family members and later her new husband that she really didn't love.

It was easier to be a soldier than a mother. As long as she was stationed on a space station or a starship she could tell herself that George was just on assignment somewhere else. That delusion was broken the moment she stepped foot back on earth and encountered her fatherless boys who shared their father's looks or name.

It was too difficult to look into her dead husband's eyes every night as she put their youngest child to sleep. It was too difficult living in the house that she and George shared. It was too difficult to sleep in that empty bed that she used to share with George. Nothing is worse than sleeping in an empty bed, crying yourself to sleep, wishing the love of your life would return to you. Her loveless marriage to Frank did not make things easier. Instead, she wanted to run away even more than before.

She didn't completely abandoned her children. She talked to both boys at least once a week when she was in space. She told herself that this was enough. It really wasn't her fault that Jim never mentioned that Frank was an abusive alcoholic that enjoyed leaving adult shape hand prints on Jim's back. He never told her about all the times Sam tried to run away or that he was leaving his own hand prints on Jim's back. She was completely unaware of what was happening. The silence should've been enough to tell her something was wrong, but again it was easier to live in denial land.

At this time, their weekly conversations focused on Jim's crush of the week or being bored to tears in class. She remember the names of all the "girls" her son was in "love" with during his adolescence. Of course, she assumed that they were all girls because her son was into little league and GI Joe's Starfleet edition. (Yes, she now realizes that this was a stupid outdated assumption to keep in 23rd century society. She conveniently forgot about all the members of the LGBTP community who proudly served with her during her various Starfleet commissions.)

In second grade he was in love with "Andi". Little jimmy loved "her" because she had the coolest vintage Hot Wheels collection. (Of course, when describing Andi he never actually use the female pronoun. She automatically assumed it was a little girl, despite the Hot Wheels, because of her own classic collection that she kept when she was a little girl. Also, the next year his new crush Candy, a girl two years his senior who she has known since her mommy took her from the hospital, played with action figures and later became the star of the River City High School Football team.)

In the fourth grade, Jimmy was in love with Tracy, the star of the school play. In fifth grade he was crushing on Jamie and Willie, which she assumed was short for Wilhelmina. (Again, that was a very silly assumption to make in the 23rd century.) Finally, in six grade he focused his attention on Alex who was on the co-ed baseball team with him.

She really did not know the identity of the objects of his affection beyond that time because he stopped talking to her completely after the car incident. In retrospect she realizes that she knew nothing about these individuals other than their name. Even then, Jimmy was only giving her the bare minimum. She would find out later on that she did not even know the gender of these individuals. Other than Candy, only Alex from six grade was actually female. (Of course, she doesn't discover this until he's almost 18 during the mother of all arguments with her Jimmy. He blames her lack of knowledge on the fact she was too preoccupied with herself back then to ask any questions.)

The communication breakdown got worse after the incident with Frank and the car. He stopped even providing her with the names of his crushes after that. More importantly she stopped asking. She knows that she lost his trust. He never volunteered anything to her after that. She knew he expected her to keep the monsters away and she failed miserably because she wasn't there. Divorcing Frank did little to rebuild that shattered trust. Looking back on it now, she wondered if she truly tried to rebuild that trust.

She took a job in the engineering department at the shipyard named after her late husband so she could stay on planet but the damage was already done. The fact that she was home again does little to make Jim feel secure. At the time she sure he believes that she will leave at any moment.

During that time, Jimmy only talks to her when she was discussing the design of the ship that would become the Enterprise. He keeps slipping farther and farther away from her. Sam graduates two years early just so he can start college and get away from her as fast as possible. She knows this because the only time he calls her is when he needs money or something else tangible.

Once Sam was gone, her little Jimmy started acting out or maybe she's just started to notice it. He started skipping all his classes and only passes because of that perfect memory of his. She doesn't even want to talk about how many times he hacked into the school's computer system. She knows he did because there is no way his entire eighth grade class could possibly all score in the 98th percentile on the Sat9mmccxl. He gets in fights so often at school that she practically has her own parking space at the school. The principle has her number on speed dial. She really had no idea how to handle the situation.

 

The final straw came during his last week of eighth grade when she was called in because her son got caught doing certain "inappropriate things" with a classmate in a stairwell. She's too angry to even talk to Jim about the incident. Instead, she gave up on him entirely and shipped her baby off to live with her sister and her husband on Tarsus IV.

 

At the time, she tells herself her decision has nothing whatsoever to do with her being able to accept a promotion and a position that would take her off planet for two years and away from the shipyard named after her late husband. In hindsight she knows that was a lie she told herself so she could sleep during ship night. In the light of the darkness that occurred, she knows the true reason for her decision. She will always regret her decision to send him to that horrible place.

 

After the famine and genocide, he comes back to her completely broken. He doesn't speak to her at all and begins hiding junk food under his bed along with other emergency rations. She is almost positive he developed an eating disorder, but doesn't have proof. It's not like her son will open up to the therapist that she forces him to see.

 

At that time her son was also developing a reputation for being the school slut allegedly sleeping with anything in a "skirt". The fact he was sneaking into the house at 3:21 AM smelling of sex and cheap alcohol in her mind confirmed the "will fuck anything in a skirt" rumor. (Again, she was the one who assumed the skirt part of that particular rumor. Was it really her fault she assumed Ernie was short for Ernestine? )

 

At the time she was still mourning the death of her sister and did not really pay attention. She was too busy dealing with her own pain, to actually force her son to talk to her about what happen. She was too caught up in her own guilt to continue forcing Jimmy to see a psychologist.

She conveniently forgot that he was the one that watched the security forces slit his aunt's throat after she is "violated". She does nothing to keep him from finding solace in orgasms and Twinkies once he is safely back on Earth. Again, it's easier to live in denial land than in the real world.

Things become normal again, or at least as normal as they have been since her husband died. A little after Jim turned 17, during his senior year, the binge eating stopped as well as the food hoarding. He actually started attending classes and getting grades that reflect his true intelligence. He joined the chess team and the basketball team. She even saw him fill out forms for various colleges with excellent engineering programs.

She knows the sudden change in behavior has nothing whatsoever to do with her and everything to do with Nikki, the person she assumes is her son's first serious girlfriend. Nikki is the one who gets Jim to study and stop riding his motorcycle around town at 3:00 AM on school nights. Nikki is also the one who keeps him from underage drinking and getting into bar fights when he is technically too young to be inside of one. She resented Nikki's ability to do this, but she says nothing.

 

Again, she assumes Nikki was female because up to that point the only people she saw taking the walk of shame from her house were female. Her son liked motorcycles, getting into fights, and vintage playboys therefore he must be straight. (Of course, she conveniently 'forgot' about how disheveled some of his guy friends looked when they leave Jimmy's room after several hours of "studying". She also conveniently forgot that just because her son enjoys making out with Margarita West from two farms over doesn't mean he couldn't be doing the same thing with her twin brother or has for that matter.)

 

She should have known better because Nikki was on the basketball team with her son and like to restore vintage cars at "her" mom's body shop. She knew the woman who took over the body shop in town after her husband's death, because they belong to the same support group. Winona knew she only had a son the same age as her Jimmy. Yet, because of her own bias, she refused to draw the right conclusion.

 

In the middle of the 23rd century, people tried to assume prejudice no longer existed. Things like apartheid and eugenics died out long ago. People on earth tried to tell them selves that prejudice no longer lives in the hearts and minds of humanity. She has served under at least one female admiral and has had several female captains from various planets during her long career. She has lots of friends that are members of the LGBTP community like Chris. Her son's principle danced with His husband, who coaches the girl’s basketball team at the local university after a successful career in the IBA (Intergalactic Basketball Association), whenever they chaperone school dances and nobody bated an eyelash.

However, personal bias, preconceptions, and assumptions are alive and well in people's hearts and minds. She still runs into people who desperately tried to hide their shocked when they discover she's the engineer in charge of a major project. She doesn't know how many ships she has served on where people only sat with other people from their planet of origin in the mess hall. She remembered listening to her mom say nasty and stereotypical things about their neighbor who happened to be gay when nobody was around to reprimand her.

 

Looking back now, she wondered if she held onto some of those assumptions that her extremely homophobic mother had. When it came to her youngest child, she assumed too much and that put the final nail in the coffin of their broken relationship.

 

It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon when she walked in on her son unzipping Nikki's pants when she came to the revelation that Nikki was a boy. She was completely shocked because her little Jimmy was into leather and trying to get into the homecoming Queens pants. Gay boys do not make out with Sara Williams in the barn. Of course, bisexual boys do, but she really wasn't thinking about that at the moment. Maybe if she was thinking about that she wouldn't have said the following, "but I thought you were straight," the moment a very mortified Nikki ran out of her house without even grabbing his shoes.

 

The argument that ensued was epic. She and her son were screaming so loud she was positive that the argument could be heard five farms away. The argument really wasn't about Jimmy's significant other being a boy. In a society where equal rights regardless of sexual orientation have existed on paper for centuries (if not in practice), her son having a boyfriend was not a big deal even if her mom will find the entire situation a reason to write Jimmy out of her will. The real issue was the fact she was too oblivious to pick up on her son's sexual preferences, let alone a anything else about her son.

 

"That just proves you know nothing about me other than the fact you gave birth to me at the moment dad died. It's not like this is a new thing. Nikki is not even my first boyfriend. In second grade, I told you all about Andy. Of course, you were not around when Frank called me the other F word when I gave Andy a Valentine. You were never a around. You probably would have known that Tracy was a boy if you were planet side long enough to attend any school plays back then. You were too busy running away from the ghost of dad." Her son yelled at her with angry eyes as he started throwing various things in a backpack.

 

"I wasn't running away from you." She yelled at him in her defense.

 

"Yes you were. You've been running away since the moment I was born. You couldn't get me on the shuttle to Tarses IV fast enough. If you're not running away from me physically, you were retreating into yourself. You probably want to run away right now that things are getting too hard for you. Let me make things easier for you mom. I will leave this time." Her son said this as he walked out with bag in hand and left on his motorcycle. She never saw him again in person after that.

 

A little less than five years later she got a phone call from her old friend Chris about how he successfully talked her son into going to the Academy. She was too surprise to say anything. She just asked for the occasional update.

 

Three years later her son saved earth and became the youngest captain in Starfleet history. She tries to call him, but he doesn't return her calls. (Chris gave her the number.) She does not bother going to his commendation ceremony because she knows she's not invited. It hurts to know he doesn't want her there.

 

Seven months later she gets a call from her son. The man on the screen isn't the angry 17 year old that left her house after he realized how little she really knew about him. His time at the academy and his time in command had matured him a little bit. She knew that she had nothing to do with the person he has become in the last eight years. He was actually willing to extend an olive branch to her. For the first time since he was little they actually had a real conversation. They talked for almost 30 minutes about the silly and the deeply important things going on in their lives.

 

"I am happy that you called, but why did you call?" She finally asked.

 

"I blame my overly logical first officer."

 

"Your first officer made you call me?" She asked in surprise.

 

"Not really. Last night Spock and I were talking about his mom and dad. His dad wasn't happy that he join Starfleet instead of attending the Vulcan Science Academy. His father essentially disowned him." So far during this conversation her son has mentioned Spock 39 times in some form. He was acting the same way he did when he had a crush when he was a little kid.

 

At least this time she knew better than to assume Spock was a girl. (It helped that Jim used pronouns.) The fact that his image was plastered all over the media guaranteed she would not make that mistake again. Unfortunately, her son was a little agitated because Spock had a girlfriend at that moment.

 

"That's too bad."

 

"His relationship with his father is better now. However, it took his mother's death and the implosion of his home planet for the two to be on speaking terms again. I don't want that to happen to us."

 

"I don't want that either." She said right before he said his goodbyes and ended the call. A few weeks later he calls again and she listens to everything he says without making silly assumptions.

 

Three years later when the rest of the world was in shock because her baby boy was marrying his **male** first officer, she was not. She is just happy that she was invited to the wedding.


	2. Part two: Leonard McCoy: With a Roommate/Friend Like Jim Kirk Who Needs Enemies or Ex-Wives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Vampirewine for being my beta on on the original version and for Unforgiven1290 for doing the rewrite.  
> This chapter is dedicated to everyone who always thought any version of Jim Kirk was just a little too heterosexual to actually be heterosexual even before they figured out there was such a thing as slash fan fiction or the Kinsey scale.  
> Warnings for this section: Stupid student behavior including high risk sexual encounters. Is there anything inherently safe about randomly hooking up with unknown people at a club or bar?  
> Personal PSA moment: Monogamy is good, abstinence is better, but whatever you do, please use a condom

Leonard McCoy really did not remember his first encounter with Jim Kirk very well or practically at all. He met the man who would become his best friend exactly 24 hours after his divorce to a woman, who stole his soul and his daughter, was finalized. Of course, she stole his soul because she didn't have one. He was almost positive the bitch was sleeping with the judge after she successfully took his practice, the house, and almost all of their other supposedly joint assets that he actually brought into the marriage.  
The custody arrangement was a joke. The judge allowed him to see his daughter one weekend a month and every other holiday. The cold hearted bitch could not even give him that much and instead use the money she extorted from him to send their daughter to some private school light years away where he would rarely get to see her. The only thing the soulless bitch left him with was his bones.  
The only way he could make it on the shuttle to take his first step in to a career that would take him into the disease-infested darkness of space was the medicinal powers of whatever was in his flask. He probably would have drunk less if the short scary lady in black would have let him stay in the bathroom with no windows.  
He does remember two things about his first encounter with Jim. One, after threatening several times to throw up on the man he actually does 2 minutes before the shuttle touches down in San Francisco. Two, Jim spent the entire shuttle flight flirting with/annoying a very pretty girl with dark hair and brown eyes who had the same death glare as his ex wife.  
Because Jim Kirk said nothing to him after throwing up on him, he felt Jim would make an ideal roommate. At his age, he preferred not to have a roommate, but he had no choice. All first year cadets, that were not married or living with dependents, were required to have a roommate. He agreed to Jim's suggestion to be roommates because Jim had to be better than some overly enthusiastic barely out of high school teenager that he could have ended up with.  
The two of them got along very well. Unlike everyone else, Jim didn't pry when he mentioned his bitch of an ex or the daughter that she wouldn't let him see, despite the court order and the new lawyer. Leonard usually paid Jim the same courtesy. He did not ask questions about Jim's family and he knew not to say anything about Jim's late father.  
Leonard also never said anything when he noticed the young man hide various food rations in one of their closets. Leonard just made some offhanded comment about what a good idea it was to prepare for a famine or some other sort of disaster. He would regret his speech about famine statistics and starvation two years later when he found out about Tarsus IV. Jim doesn't tell him anything about it until after he must sedate the guy after a horrible nightmare induced by having an exam on the tragedy. By that point, he really shouldn't have been surprise because Jim was never one to share things unless he had to.  
During that first year they shared a room together, there were many days when Leonard was forced to pick up beer cans and strangers underwear from various locations in their dorm room. On those days, he started to wonder why he decided to live with a 22 year old who had the maturity level of a toddler. You would think by that point someone with a genius level IQ could pick up his own things. The only person Leonard was a parent of was light years away and he wasn't going to use Jim as a substitute.  
As much as he tried otherwise, he's pretty sure he did become a father figure to Jim. Jim needed a father figure and he wanted someone to be a father figure to, especially after the latest custody hearings fell apart. To this day, he is still positive that his former wife was screwing the judge.  
During the first month of living together in an academy dormitory, that was a breeding ground for various strains of alien meningitis, he found six bras in various sizes and various types of female underwear in some of the strangest places in the room. Because of this, he assumed that his roommate was a ladies' man and possibly a sex addict that was about one encounter away from an STI. After he walked in on Jim doing inappropriate things on Leonard's bed with one of his 'lady friends' he made Jim sit through his heterosexual safe sex speech and made sure he kept one of the dresser drawers stocked with condoms and spermicide.  
Because Leonard just assumed the unusual boxers and the occasional leopard print briefs that he found in very strange places when cleaning the dorm room were his roommate's, he did not include the safe sex information on same sex relationships or add lube to the sex supply drawer. He is too busy complaining about his roommate's unsanitary behavior to realize that the soiled boxer shorts and other male underwear came in a variety of sizes. The pair he found the week before midterms that first semester with that tail hole should have told him that the article belonged to one of Jim's "partners" and not to his roommate.  
However, he never reached that conclusion because he assumed that his roommate was straight for various reasons at the time. First, because he's a doctor, not a xenodiversity expert he automatically assumes that everyone he meets is straight until proven otherwise.  
Before his heartless ex legally stole his practice, he would ask his male patience wearing wedding rings about their wife never their partner or significant other. This led to a very embarrassing situation when he assumed the person one of his female patients brought with her for a consultation was her sister when in reality it was her wife of 15 years.  
The second reason he assumed Jim Kirk was straight was he didn't fit his preconceived notions about what a gay man should be like. Jim drank whiskey and other hard liquor from various planets, not drinks with names that sounded like sex positions. Jim talked about motorcycles and enjoyed getting into fistfights. The man had no idea what any of the operas or musicals that Bones's ex forced him to see during the course of their sham of a marriage were. Jim also didn't plaster rainbow flags all over their dorm room.  
Honestly, he should have known better. His colleagues and patients who were members of the LGBTP community did not pander to the stereotypes associated with their orientation. Sometimes, it's just easier to think of people in terms of stereotypes even in the 23rd century.  
The third reason was Jim never made a pass at him. Considering the fact that Jim Kirk flirted with everyone and was most likely a sex addict, he assumed that because Jim didn't try anything with him he must be straight. Of course, he didn't consider the fact that Jim Kirk actually doesn't flirt with his friends or that maybe contrary to popular belief he does have some self-control.  
(Three and a half years later, he almost reconsiders the assumption that Jim doesn't try to sleep with his friends when he hears about his captain trying to get his First Officer to give him a back rub on the bridge. Seriously, the old bar fight injury excuse had to be the most idiotic cover for flirting he has ever heard. In light of the looks Jim got from his Chief Communications Officer he was sure that the hobgoblin's girlfriend didn't buy it either. Of course, then he realizes that his friend has a crush on the bloody hobgoblin that almost got him killed on an ice planet. Leonard drank half a bottle of bourbon by himself that night.)  
The final reason he assumed Jim Kirk was straight was because it seemed that Jim was slowly sleeping his way through the female population of San Francisco. On those rare occasions when his roommate somehow managed to talk him into going to a bar or club, Jim would spend the entire night chatting up some girl as Bones sat at the bar enjoying some of the best brandy in the galaxy. During the first year, it was quite rare to see Jim without bite marks or scratches.  
In the hallways between classes, he would always see Jim use his signature smile and blue eyes to manipulate some poor female Coed into giving him her contact information. (That first year he didn't notice all those times Jim was extracting the same information from certain male classmates).  
Jim's favorite target was the girl from the shuttle who later became his Chief Communications Officer. Unlike most of his usual targets, she shot him down instantly in the most entertaining ways possible.  
"Seriously, I don't know why you keep using those tired lines on me. Since you passed the entrance exam, it's obvious that you must be somewhat intelligent. We both know I'm not your type. I don't have certain anatomical features that you prefer like fur or a pecker." She said with that same death glare. At the time, Leonard did not pick up on her double meaning.  
"I told you before I am into other things besides farm animals. I only bother you because you're my favorite." Jim told her complete with a semi-evil smirk.  
In hindsight, he realized that Jim was also making quite an impression on certain aspects of the male population of Starfleet Academy and San Francisco. For some reason it just didn't register in his mind that Fred and Wesley from Jim's Introduction to Federation History class were Jim Kirk's usual conquests. He honestly assumed when Jim said he was going for a beer with Marc from Freshman Tactics, Jim was just hanging out with the guys. He had no idea that Jim was really going back to Marc's dorm room for a quickie.  
He should have figured out that his roommate was either bisexual, pansexual, or possibly on the down low by the sheer amount of guys that Jim brought over. Let's be honest, Leonard was Jim's only real friend at the academy. Everyone else was interested in sleeping with Jim or being friends with the dead hero's son. Because up to that point he had only seen Jim making out with females of various species he firmly believed Jim was straight. As a doctor, really he should know better.  
However, Leonard was usually out the door to class or somewhere else and didn't have time to actually speak to any of these individuals that Jim brought over. Unlike Jim, who was a goddamn genius in the closet, he actually needed to study and show up for classes to have good grades. All Jim needed to do was show up for classes occasionally to get a 4.0. He wondered how good Jim's GPA could have been if he actually applied himself at the academy.  
Due to Jim's tendency to bring his conquest of the night back to their dorm room, Leonard made it a point not to come back until at least midnight on the weekends. It's a lot easier to study without sex noises in the background. Usually, he would arrive back at the room just in time to see that night's 'fun buddy' take part in the obligatory walk of shame.  
It was not that he didn't see guys leaving the room. It's just that his mind made up some explanation for why rumpled guys were limping out of the room at very odd hours. He just assumed that Jim decided to use their dorm room for some other athletic activity like sparring. The broken and disarray furniture usually allowed him to support this delusion.  
Because he was Jim's roommate, he was only able to keep up that delusion until the middle of the second semester of the first year. One Saturday in March, he was meeting with a group of students to go over the study guide for one of his classes. He absolutely hated study groups, especially because the group he was in was filled with shiny happy 18 and 19 year olds that still had no idea how cruel life can really be. Unfortunately, study groups were mandatory for one particular class. Whose idea was it to force people who have already had a degree or two to take classes with real freshmen? Once he was surrounded by happy shiny happy teenagers, he realized that he picked up Jim's PADD by mistake.  
He was so angry that he had to go all the way back to the dormitories to pick up his PADD that he didn't even consider knocking before he opened the door. He wished he had when he saw his roommate up against the wall with his pants down around his ankles. Some unnamed guy was performing fellatio on Jim without a condom.  
"God damn it Jim. Privacy locks were invented for a reason. Use it. I need brain bleach." He yelled as the frightened unnamed guy stopped what he was doing and quickly ran out of the room.  
"Hey, I told you that I had company coming." Jim said as he put his pants back on without any embarrassment whatsoever.  
"I was not thinking you meant that literally. You told me you had a guy coming over. For some unknown reason, I thought you were straight. I wasn't expecting to walk in on you getting a blow job from some random guy. Do you even know his name?"  
"I think it was John or Jason. I'm not sure. Hey, I never told you that I was straight!" Jim said defensively.  
"You don't tell people a lot of things. You just let them assume whatever they want. Most of your professors think you're only at the academy because your daddy died a hero, until they see your test scores. I assumed you were straight just because of the sheer number of ladies underwear I have had the misfortune of retrieving from several different parts of our room. I also walked in on you taking off some unknown woman's bra during our first week as roommates. Jim, I think you are a sex addict," he said that last part in all seriousness.  
"I'm not an addict. I can quit at anytime. Considering the amount of boxers you have picked up from the floor you should've known better."  
"Your right, I should have. I wouldn't have to know about any of your conquests if you would lock the damn door and pick up after yourself. Also next time remember to use a condom. If you come down with some STI due to unsafe oral sex, I'm not going to treat you and I don't care about the gender of the person who gave it to you. Do you have any idea how many infections can be transmitted through oral contact of the sexual organs?" Leonard chastised.  
"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway."  
"You're right. I am going to tell you anyway. That's going to be your punishment for giving me nightmares for the next month. If I knew you were bisexual, I would have giving you the other half of the safe sex lecture the first time. Is this a new thing?" Leonard questioned, hoping for a moment he wasn't that oblivious.  
"Not really. In second grade, I had a crush on this boy named Andy who had the coolest vintage Hot Wheels collection. I try to kiss him on Valentine's Day and he punched me out." Jim said with a fake laugh masking his hurt.  
"That sounded like something my ex-wife would have done."

A little less than 3 ½ years later Leonard was expecting Jim to show up in his sick bay a black and blue mess after he told the emotionless Vulcan that he was in love with him.  
Jim had grown up a lot in those 3 ½ years, but not enough to actually have a room clean enough to have a meeting in without the help of a yeoman. First, Jim was no longer sleeping his way through the general population. That mostly stopped during the summer between first and second year after an incident involving jail time and a very angry boyfriend. He really doesn't know the details because he was visiting his daughter at the time (his lawyer finally worked something out.)  
Jim Kirk is a good Captain, but even Leonard realized that Spock makes him a great Captain. Spock is really the first person to ever truly challenge Jim and he very quickly takes over Leonard's position as Jim's best friend much to his annoyance.  
However, Leonard was probably the only one who knows that Jim's feelings for Spock are more than friendship. Maybe that has something to do with the fact the entire ship still thinks their Captain is the poster boy for "ladies’ man" even if he has been celibate since this mission began several months ago and really isn't that picky about gender. No one would believe their Captain had a crush on his First Officer if Leonard told them.  
Leonard personally thanks Jim only has a crush on Spock because there could never be anything beyond platonic friendship between the two of them. It's essentially a safety crush. After nearly four years of friendship, Leonard knows that Jim has had his heart broken by a lot of people. Jim grew up with an abusive stepfather, a mom who wasn't there, and a big brother who in his own way blamed Jim for their father's death. He grew up not being loved by the people that should have and that did a lot of damage.   
It's easier to fall in love with someone you know you can never have because there is no risk. Up until two weeks ago, Spock was in a committed relationship with Lieutenant Uhura. Even though Spock is now single, Leonard doubted Jim could ever have a relationship with Spock that went beyond friendship. They were too different. Even though he is a lot calmer now Jim is still the epitome of illogicalness. A relationship could never work between the two even if Spock was bisexual. He seriously doubts that the Vulcan was bisexual simply because he has only been with Nyota.  
He was not surprised when 15 minutes after Jim went to finally confess his feelings to his First Officer he returned with a black eye. He was personally expecting bruises around Jim's neck after another strangling attack (not that type of strangling).  
"Let me guess the hobgoblin was less than thrilled with your confession?" Leonard asked shaking his head in dismay.  
"Don't call him that." Jim said with annoyance as he winced in pain. "It wasn't Spock. I really don't want to talk about it. Just make me look less black and blue before the next time I have bridge duty."  
"Do you want something for the pain?"  
"No, I don't trust you right now. I will take something in my room. Don't tell Christine, otherwise this will be all over the entire ship and she will be mad at me for the Spock thing as well."  
"So he didn't punch you out when you tried to kiss him?" He is almost positive Jim tried to crack a smile before he heard him winced in pain again.  
"I told you it was not Spock. I don't want to talk about it," he said with annoyance.  
"I'm going to have to put something on the accident report."  
"Just say I walked into a door.” Jim said that so quickly that he is positive that excuse has been used more than once in the past.  
"A Vulcan shaped door?" The doctor scoffed as he grabbed the equipment to make his friend look less purple and to make sure nothing was broken.  
"For the last time, it wasn't Spock. He likes me." This time Jim really did smile through the pain.  
"He also tried to kill you." Leonard deadpanned.  
"So now I know not to say mean things about his Mom in bed. Personally, I consider that entire incident foreplay."  
"You would. He's straight Jim." Leonard is pretty sure he heard Jim laugh at that.  
"That assumption is not accurate Dr. McCoy." He heard the Vulcan in question say as he walked in to sick bay. He went straight to Jim and grabbed his hand. After spending several months working with Vulcan refugees, he can recognize a Vulcan style kiss instantly. Although, what he saw in front of him that day would probably be the emotionally repressed society’s version of heavy petting.  
"I thought you would learn better then to make that assumption after the last time Bones." Jim said with another wince of pain.  
"Are you okay Captain?" Spock asked as he ran the fingers of his other hand over the still bruised skin.  
"You were sticking your tongue down my throat 15 minutes ago; I think that gives you the right to call me Jim." Jim corrected his first officer in a way that made Leonard’s blood pressure go up. He did not need to know that.  
"Jim, are you alright?" Spock asked again with genuine concern. This in itself was shocking.  
"I'm fine.” Jim said trying to put Spock at ease. “I'm just a little bit bruised, but I doubt that anything's broken."  
"I could tell you for sure if you would stop groping Spock, in a very Vulcan way, long enough for me to do a scan," Leonard said still slightly shocked as he became annoyed.  
"Hey, if you would have scanned me right away instead of asking me if Spock was the one who punched me multiple times you would know. Give me a little time with my boyfriend and then I will let you do whatever you want."  
"Boyfriend?" Leonard never expected those words to ever come out of Jim Kirk’s mouth. Jim was too wrapped up in Spock to even hear his semi whispered question.  
"Next time you break up with your girlfriend tell her the truth and not some lie. Don't tell me you didn't lie to her. That reaction was not triggered by total honesty. On the bright side, at least we know she can handle herself in a hostile situation. Who knew she could hit like that." That explained who hit him and why Jim was making up dumb excuses to cover it up.  
"That would be impossible Captain, because I'm not planning to ever have a girlfriend again or be with anyone else besides you." That is when he saw the most disturbing thing he'd ever seen. The hobgoblin sticking his tongue down the throat of his best friend. He seriously doubted anything was broken, otherwise Jim probably would not be able to kiss Spock like that.  
He chose to go into his office for a drink instead of watching the continuous make out session. He thought it was safe to walk out of his office when he stopped hearing make out noises. Instead, he was hit in the head with a blue science top when he walked out.  
"Damn it. I thought I had stopped putting up with this stuff at the academy. Go do debauched things with your boyfriend in your own quarters. This is sick bay, not a house of ill repute." The doctor shouted.  
"Fine, we are leaving. Can you at least get rid of the bruising before you kick me out?" Jim asked with puppy dog eyes.   
"I would have if you manage to keep your hands to yourself for a good two minutes. Let your boyfriend take care of it. For god's sake use condoms, but don't give me any details." Leonard said walking back into his office for another drink.  
Less than three years later when Jim asked him to be his best man he said yes. Personally, he was shocked that Spock is willing to spend the rest of Jim's life living with a guy who still can't remember to pick up his own underwear.


	3. Part Three:  Christopher Pike: Everybody Just Assumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ank you to everybody who read the last chapter. To anybody who is a rereading the story I apologize for all the typos you encountered the first time. I'm kind of shocked by how much slipped through even though this was probably proofread about eight times before the original posting (evil voice recognition software).  
> I made some major substantive changes (i.e. I completely rewrote most of the last scene) to this chapter because it did not age as well as it should have and I wanted it to work better with the sequel to this story. I made so many changes that I sent this chapter back to my beta a couple weeks ago to go back over, unfortunately she doesn’t have Internet access right now and I decided it was best to just put the chapter up as is because I want to get everything re-posted by Friday, if possible.  
> Remembered this story is very AU now since it was written about three years ago and in my story somebody had the good sense to put Jim Kirk in therapy to help him grow the hell up before they gave him the keys to a starship.   
> Thank you to Teddy Bear for being the beta on the original version  
> Warning: Recreational Drug Use  
> Personal PSA moment: Don't take pills you know nothing about. Do take the Pills you are supposed to take. Don't take other people's pills.

Christopher Pike always knew that Jim Kirk would do great things. He saw in him the same potential that the heroic George Kirk exhibited in every pore of his being. Chris knew deep down with himself that Jim had the same heroics spirit and determination that made George Kirk a legend more than quarter century after his death. He always saw Jim as his father's son and maybe that is where his misconception about Jim Kirk truly began.

Like everyone else on this planet and several others, Chris expected Jim Kirk to be the second coming of his father. Chris expected Jim to have the same morality, mannerisms, and the same behavior as the late George Kirk. Jim Kirk was supposed to be an exact replication of George Kirk down to the brilliant wife and two beautiful children. However, when has Jim Kirk did what he was supposed to do? Jim was even born two months early.

The truth of the matter was Jim Kirk was not George Kirk. Jim never even met George Kirk. The man died moments after Jim was born. The only things Jim Kirk knew about George Kirk came from stories, video files, and miscellaneous articles. Yet, still everybody was expecting Jim to be George, including Chris. Fortunately, he figured out quite quickly Jim was his own person although not without developing some major misconceptions along the way.

Jim thinks the first time they met was when Chris was saving Jim from getting his ass kicked in by several students on the security track for hitting on a girl that they thought they could easily sleep with if they impressed her with a show of manly strength. Knowing the girl in question, she was not impressed.

The truth of the matter is he first met Jim Kirk a few months before Jim's sixth birthday. Winona Kirk was on shore leave and was willing to speak with him for his dissertation on the Kelvin. He was willing to do just about anything to get her perspective on what happened that fateful day.

He left probably 90% of the stuff out that he got from her that afternoon. He also left out how broken she was and how much she ignored her son. Little Jimmy Kirk with his father's eyes broke into the middle their conversation without even caring about what he was interrupting. Chris knew Jimmy was trying to tell her something important but she was too lost in her memories of her late husband.

The second grader who was a year ahead of his peers tried to talk to his mom about the little girl he had a crush on named "Andie" with the Hot Wheels collection. (Years later in a conversation with Winona were she lamented about how horrible of a mother she was, Chris would find out that Andy was actually a boy. He didn't know that at the time.)

Of course, Jim didn't give up trying to get his mother's attention that day. To this day, he doesn't know how the five year old manage to start a fire in one of the bedrooms without matches or any sort of accelerant. If anyone could do something like that, it would be Jim Kirk.

Apparently starting a fire at five was only the beginning of the chaos Jim Kirk would bring in an effort to get his mom to pay attention. Several years later when Chris was stationed on the same ship as Winona he heard stories about Jim driving a car into a cliff, hacking into his school's computer to change everybody's test scores, and breaking the nose of the biggest bully at school. Actually, he was her commanding officer at the time these conversations took place. When she told him about Jim's top scores despite skipping 90% of his classes, Chris knew that Jim Kirk would make a fine Cadet.

Winona also talked about her son's numerous girlfriends. The boy was not even 14 yet and had more girlfriends than most people had in their entire life. They got up to her talking about Jimmy six great crush before Winona took a very sudden leave of absence. As her Captain, Chris was the only one who knew she left because her son was one of the few survivors of the Tarsus massacre (and a certain reporter screamed at her for a good 45 minutes).

Xxx

During the next six years, they lost touch. Then one day when he was doing a recruiting assignment in riverside he ran into her at a local farmers market. He made the ultimate mistake about asking her how her son was and she burst into tears. He only asked because he knew that Jimmy would make a great officer and wanted to speak with him. He was his father's son after all.

She didn't give him all the details, but essentially Jim left after he realize how much Winona didn't know about him. She actually left several key details out of the story like the fact that Nikki was a man, but maybe that was none of his business.

"I hate to say this, but I'm not surprise." Chris told her over coffee at a shop down the street from the market.

"You're not surprise?" Winona asked with a bit of surprise herself.

"Do you remember years ago when I interviewed you for my dissertation, Jim spent 30 minutes trying to get your attention. He tried everything from throwing things off the table to trying to take my PADD. He finally got your attention when he ignited a teddy bear in his room." Chris told her with a sad smile.

"Frank was so mad.” Winona said as she absently played with her coffee cup. “I'm pretty sure the bruises Jim had that evening, were from Frank and not falling down, but Jimmy never said anything."

"You actually believed that excuse?” Chris nearly shouted this question. “You should've known better. You left him with that monster for years. I was the one who told you about Tarsus. You barely reacted until you spoke to the reporter who kept calling Starfleet demanding to speak with you."

"I didn't think things were that bad until he stopped sending messages." Winona said not looking at him as if she was afraid to make eye contact.

"When the messages stopped coming first stopped you just assumed he was mad at you. When it comes to Jimmy, you have always wanted to believe that everything was all right even when it wasn't. You have been pushing him away since the moment he was born. Have you ever really seen him as Jim Kirk in not the ghost of George Kirk?" Chris asked poignantly.

"Have you?" Winona shot back defensively.

He never did respond to her. In hindsight, he knows her accusation was true.

XXX

Two years later when he actually convinced Jim to join Starfleet Chris knows he asked Jim to join because Jim had that same leap without looking spirit his father had. Chris wanted Jim to join because he had that same intelligence his father possessed. He desired Jim to become part of Starfleet because just like his father Jim did not believe in no wins scenarios. Unfortunately, he did not ask Jim to join for any of the unique qualities that fully belonged to Jim.

Chris now knows that he was operating under the misconception that these qualities were inherited and not developed by circumstance. His Jim Kirk had his father's eyes and the ability to attract almost every girl in the bar (except then Cadet Uhura) just like George. Even if he had his father smile Jim Kirk was not his father. Yet, Jim Kirk was his own person even if Chris was not ready to see it yet.

George Kirk never did silly things to get people's attention like burn down bedrooms. George Kirk would never get in a bar fight with four other cadets. George would walk away where his son would punch first and ask questions later. George Kirk would not publicly flirt with every girl in the bar. Jim Kirk had no such qualms or preference apparently for any particular segment of the population.

In retrospect, Chris was almost positive comparing Jim to his father was the final straw that got Jim to show up to the shipyard that morning years ago. Chris has learned quite quickly that the easiest way to get Jim to do anything was to compare him to George. The problem was you didn't necessarily get the result you were hoping for.

Jim despised being compared to his father in any way and decided to display this disdained by acting out. Chris is 99% sure that most of Jim's bad behavior during his first year at the academy was caused by the pressure put on him by his peers and instructors to be George Kirk. Therefore, Jim did everything possible to be the anti-George. This included sleeping his way through, what Chris, assumed was the majority of the female population of Starfleet academy. Really, he should learn not to trust the rumor mill so much. Personal experience has taught him that it is usually wrong.

However, because he only heard the stories of Jim using his baby blues on the female cadets, professors, and general female population of the greater San Francisco area he assumed that Jim only preferred that part of the population. Then there was the fact that Winona only told him stories about the stupid things Jim did with various girls around Riverside and how he managed to earn a skirt chasing reputation before high school.

This was the only reason that Chris came to the conclusion that Jim Kirk was going to be the same lady killer that his father was before he met per brokenhearted Winona. He was right Jim Kirk, was going to be a heartbreaker, it's just that not all those hearts were female.

There are many days that first year where Chris wondered if convincing Jim Kirk to join Starfleet was a bad idea. Even though he was on a mission for most of that year, he heard many stories about Jim Kirk. He was sure that the Admiralty blamed him for Jim's presence at the academy and felt Chris deserved to know exactly what he did. These stories made what he heard from Jim's mom pale in comparison.

One would think that Jim would act less stupid at 23 than 13, not more. His personal favorite was the incident involving a keg of highly illegal alien alcohol, a hill, and a vintage car being destroyed by said keg. Allegedly, said vintage car was owned by one of the admiral's that would later sit on the tribunal after the Kobayashi Maru incident. Honestly, he was surprised Jim didn't do anything which would have seen him getting court-martialed until the third year or rather caught doing anything worth being court-martialed for that Jim couldn't talk his way out of.

Maybe that's because most of the good stuff never actually made it to the Admiralty. During the first year alone, Jim Kirk was responsible for eight instances of illegal hacking into the Starfleet or Federation Computer Systems, five major bar fights, two incidents of getting caught having sex on campus, and one instance of sleeping with an academy professor. This is not including the normal stupid college student behavior of binge drinking, consuming highly illegal substances, stupid pranks, and high risk sex. Again, he is surprise that Jim actually made it through the first year without being expelled. He is even more surprised that Jim had a 4.0 during this chaos.

He never reported these incidences to the Admiralty because nobody but Jim got hurt during the bar fights. The worst thing Jim's hacking did was get his roommate a new judge for his child custody hearing with his ex wife and reassigned a few boring as can be instructors to other assignments. Jim's hacking into the Computer System actually saved Starfleet an unknown amount of money by pointing out certain vulnerabilities in the system. Honestly, who hasn't got caught doing something inappropriate on campus with a partner and since he wasn't the one who caught Jim with his pants down he really couldn't say anything.

He did report the female professor because she was sleeping with students in exchange for raising their GPAs. It didn't take Jim Kirk long to get a corridor reputation of being the school slut and this particular professor decided to use that to her advantage. Apparently, because Jim was such a slacker in class she assumed sleeping with her would be the only way he could possibly pass her class. She made the mistake of telling Jim this. That just pissed Jim off. Jim brought in a camera to capture the expression on her face when he got every single question right on her exam.

To be honest, Most of the rumors coming out of Starfleet academy pointed to Jim Kirk being a player among women. Really, he should've known better. Again, when has Jim Kirk ever been the person that everyone thought he was?

During the summer between Jim's first year and second year one Saturday morning at 3:02 AM planet time, he was woken out of his comfortable sleep by the chime of his communicator. Chris quickly extricated himself from his lover's embrace as he answered the call.

"Somebody better be dead or I am hanging up." He said into the communicator before it even giving a greeting.

"Don't hang up. I only get one call and Bones is on another planet right now visiting his daughter." Chris immediately left the bedroom not wanting to wake up his boyfriend because he knew some yelling would be involved as soon as he recognized the voice as Jim Kirk.

"Do I even want to know why you only get one phone call? Where are you calling from?" He asked as he sighed into the phone.

"I think the police station right outside of Starfleet academy. I am confused after that purple pill at Purple Hills. Hey, that rhymes. Can you please come get me?" He was too focused on the fact that Jim took a purple pills to remember that Purple Hills was a notorious LGBTP club only a few blocks outside of the Starfleet campus that he went to a lot during his academy days.

"Do I even want to know what you were for arrested?" He asked as his head fell into his hands in frustration.

"Not really. I think my hand looks purple now." Jim said just as the call ended abruptly.

Jim was in fact at the police station outside of campus. Fortunately, his hand wasn't really purple. Considering the boys allergies, it was possible. When the female police officer brought him out, Jim looked worse than he did that night a year earlier when he was beaten up by four cadets after he tried to sleep with a woman who could tell Jim to go fuck himself in at least 25 different languages.

Both eyes were black and purple with bruises covering almost every part of skin. His clothes were torn and covered with blood of various colors. Chris was also sure that the unknown purple pills were making Jim run into things like the stairs or the door to their vehicle.

 

"Now I think you owe me an explanation. I really would like to know why I left my boyf-lover alone in bed at 3:00 AM to come get you." He said as they sat in the street outside the police station. Chris was so irritated that he almost said boyfriend instead of lover. Jim Kirk being the super genius that he is picked up on it right away.

"Boyfriend? I may still be slightly stoned, but I distinctly heard boyfriend." Jim was definitely perceptive.

"I mean—" That’s when he just gave up because he didn’t have the energy to lie to Jim.

"It's cool. Let me guess Starfleet glass ceiling that's not supposed to be there anymore but still is? There's not exactly that many openly gay captain's in Starfleet. I personally blame Admiral KKK and his cronies.” Jim is referring to the most close-minded guy in the organization that unfortunately did a lot to learn that nickname. “Did you know Cupcakes a homophobe? I like Cupcakes but not that Cupcake. Can we get some food? Kelly, get some food?" It was obvious the purple pills were affecting Jim's speech.

"As soon as you're sober enough to say can instead of Kelly." He mumbled to himself as Jim got on topic again

"Besides, I kind of knew.” Jim said shocking him. “You were my mom's boss for what, two years. She may not know anything about me but I know about her life. She had a crush on you. She was so pissed off you were interested. The entire ship knew they just didn't say anything. I'm surprise you actually had time to meet anybody. Don't you spend most of your time in space or trying to convince lost souls to join Starfleet?"

"Lucky for me he was on one of the ships even if he's half my age.” Chris said with a smile. “He was my science officer, but he is teaching at the academy for the next two years until I get Enterprise. I was having a very nice night until I had to come get you. I suggest you avoid taking introduction to Vulcan next semester because even though it's completely illogical he can hold a grudge for forever."

"Sorry, I pissed off your boyfriend. I think I'm pissing off a lot of people's boyfriends in the last 24 hours. Hey did you know that piss rhymes with kiss. Piss off boyfriends that don't kiss are why everything looks blurry and my skin as all purple way." Jim said with a wince of pain as his last sentence became slightly incoherent.

"Am I going to need to take you to the med unit on campus or maybe somewhere else?” He said with a sigh. “You probably could get expelled for whatever you took at Purple hills or for the fact that you were arrested tonight for starting a bar fight with lots of property damage."

"No. I will just break into some of the goodies that my Dr. McCoy roommate left behind. Too bad he doesn't keep any of the good drugs in our dorm room."

"I didn't just hear that." Chris said with a sigh wishing at that moment he left Jim in Iowa. "I think you had enough drugs for one night. Are you purposely trying to get kicked out a school? Because with stunts like these, I have to wonder."

"Nope, I am just trying to live down to everybody's expectations or rather do the exact opposite of them. I just don't feel like living in the shadow of some guy who died before I was even born. I don't even know him and people are expecting me to be him. Even if we share half the same DNA, how can someone be my father if I never met him? How can I be exactly like him, if I have no idea who he is? Can't I just be myself? I think I like me some days. Do you like me?" Jim asked giving him the puppy dog eyes. It also made him feel like an ass for subconsciously trying to make Jim into George.

"I like you as the son I never had except on days like today. I see the drugs are making you introspective. I think I know what happened, you were trying to be the anti George Kirk. Let me guess you tried to hit on someone else's girlfriend and he decided to beat the hell out of you? How close am I?"

"Pretty close, except I hit on somebody's boyfriend and their boyfriend decided to beat the hell out of me. I think this is after I took the purple pills. I don't remember it, it's getting blurry, you look blurry." Okay that had to be the purple pills talking he thought at the time. There is no way the guy voted most likely to get inside of a girls underwear was not straight.

"Boyfriend? I'm going to assume that was the pills that caused you to slip up. Judging by the sheer number of women I've been told you slept with on campus this semester alone, I am pretty sure you are straight." Considering the dark look he received from Jim he obviously said the wrong thing.

"Most people who think they know you say the same thing about you. Do you know that there is a rumor about you sleeping with Number One? Supposedly, you two are secretly married and have love children stashed all over the Alpha quadrant." He laughed at that. Where do people come up with this stuff? He takes his first officer to one formal dinner and everybody assumes they are sleeping together.

"So we are married now. Last time the rumor was about us just having hot sex in the captain's chair. That is what I get for taking her to one formal dinner that was boring as hell. If you actually survive the academy and get your own ship you're going to get to truly love those horrible things." He said with a laugh.

"Then there's that rumor about you sleeping with the female ambassador of some planet that I can't even pronounce the name of. She was hot." Jim said in a way that practically disproved his point.

"I prefer her husband. You know for someone who spent most of his childhood being followed by reporters you should know that half the stuff is completely untrue and the other half is only half-accurate. Unlike with your gossip, my gossip came from reliable source."

"Admiral Archer or Barnett?" Jim asked.

"I actually heard it from Admiral Barnett that you just barely escaped a discipline hearing after an incident involving a visiting dignitary's daughter and a supply closet.” More like it was Barnett’s wife, but he wasn't going to tell Jim that. “If she did not convince her mother to sign a certain treaty, you probably would have been expelled."

"You're talking about Chan'te'relle'a. Even though she has breasts and allows herself to be identified with the female pronoun in standard, she also has what we considered on this planet to be a dick, quite a nice one actually." Jim replied smirking.

"This must be a new development for you considering all the stories your mom told me about you in junior high. It makes sense, I didn't even figure out I liked guys until the academy." That’s just got him another dark look.

"My mom is not a reliable source for anything. She wasn't around enough when I was growing up to know me. She thought most of my boyfriends in junior high and high school were girls even if they had names like Willie and Ernie." Even the buzz from the purple pills cannot keep Jim from becoming downhearted and Chris chose to get back to the story of what happened tonight before he had to deal with a stoned guy crying on his uniform because Winona didn't care.

"Now that we have determined you are a happy but closet pansexual, can you please explain what happened tonight?" Chris asked again slightly annoyed.

"You're calling me a closet case? That's the pot calling the kettle black. I don't really get that saying. Why would marijuana call a kettle black? I let people assume whatever they want about me. I just don't have the energy to correct their misconceptions. What's your excuse?" Jim asked defensively.

 

"I'm not a closet case.” Chris shot back with annoyance. “My family knows as well as my real friends. Even Admiral Archer and Barnett know. Although there are a few close minded idiots at Starfleet command that I just don't want to deal with. I just don't feel like going on Gossip World and telling Barbara Sawyer about my boyfriend. It’s none of the damned business."

"That's the difference between us. You have people close to you, I don't. My entire life I've been seeing as the reincarnation of George Kirk. I don't even have a decent relationship with my brother 'cause he blames me for dad dying and he picked up Frank’s bigoted ideas. We haven't talked to each other since I was 16. Mom was so lost in her grief for dad that she sometimes forgot she had children. I was practically raised by reporters." The scary thing is Chris knew that statement was literal.

"You know she's sorry about that." Chris decided to add.

"Maybe she is. I just don't have the energy to talk to her yet.” Jim said sadly.

"The number hasn't changed." Chris said knowing how much Winona wanted to talk to her son but also knowing that she would not make the first move.

"Maybe I need her to make the first step." Jim stays quiet for a few moments before he continues on with a completely different line of thought. "I didn't really have friends until Bones except for Nikki senior year. Everybody looks at me as George Kirk's kid and never looks beyond that. Bones sees me for me and I like that. He knows. But no one else does."

"Maybe nobody else has a right to know." Chris said after a moment.

"You know my mom had a crush on you. I wish you were my dad." Jim said before getting very quiet. Chris looked back to see his passenger was now unconscious.

"You already said that. You probably will have made a good son." He says to nobody in particular as he decides it's probably best to take this cadet to a hospital very far away from campus.

XXX

It turns out the purple pills from Purple Hills was some alien herbal 'supplement' that made people unable to lie to themselves or have any ambitions. The hallucinogen properties were caused by Jim having an allergic reaction to said purple pill. Who gave Jim the purple pills is still a mystery. Jim insisted he took the pills completely willingly. Chris isn't so sure that's the truth.

According to the police report, person A was pissed off at his boyfriend for cheating on him. So person A decided to get a little revenge by hooking up with the hottest guy there. The ex boyfriend was not happy and decked Jim, causing him to go headfirst into the bar. Jim hit the guy over the head with a chair. At that point, nobody remembers anything about the fight except the other guy left on a stretcher. Fortunately, no one really wanted to press charges. Chris believed that is mostly so no one will find out the real reason why Jim was stoned on whatever was in those purple pills. If the Admiralty found out about what happened Jim would have been expelled. Considering Jim's current course of behavior Jim needed an intervention and fast. He and Dr. McCoy came up with the perfect solution.

"You're sending me to a therapist?" Jim asked with his mouth wide open in shock two days later.

"Yes, I'm sending you to a therapist. Would you prefer I tell the Admiralty that you got in some fight with one of the locals and got completely high on alien drugs. You'll be expelled for sure. Although maybe that's what you want. I think I need to be more creative. Maybe I can tell Admiral Archer that you were the one who destroyed his vintage BMW roadster. I'm still not even sure how you manage to do that. You heard what happened to the guy who used one of his prize beagles in a transporter test. I think the guy is still on Delta Vega. I would hate to see what he would do to you." Chris said as sincerely as possible.

"God, I hate you. You are the worst father figure ever. Can't you be the cool dad that will let me get away with everything? You're worse than Bones." Jim said as he sat back down in the couch in Chris's temporary office.

"Where do you think I got the idea from?" Chris said with an evil smile.

"I hate you both." Jim said in obvious irritation.

"Your roommate worried about you and is convinced you are a sex addict. I just think you are being you.

However, it's obvious that you have some issues. In exchange for me not telling the Admiralty what happened, you will be seeing a Starfleet psychologist twice a week until graduation."

"Therapy didn't help that much last time. I don't need a professional to help me blame my mother or my dead father for all my problems. I can do that on my own." Jim said taking a drink of water.

"That's because you didn't want it to help. It's the therapy or the Admiralty. You know there are a few people who want to use you as an example and are looking for any excuse to convene a tribunal. Don't give them one."

"Fine, I'll see the fucking doctor. You are the worst father ever. Is this what it's like having people care about me?" Jim asked.

"Pretty much, get used to it kid." Chris said not backing down.

XXX

Therapy turned out to be a very good thing for Jim. First, he stopped doing stupid things that could get him expelled, or killed, most stupid things anyway. Chris is not even going to go into the entire Kobayashi Maru fiasco. To this day Chris still believes the whole incident was daddy issues related. He just wished Spock had the good sense not to voice that out loud at the hearing. Unfortunately, they were really on speaking terms at that time and he wasn't in a position to talk Spock out of it.

On the plus side therapy lead to less hacking into computer systems, less bar fights, significantly less binge drinking, and a lot less reckless sex. Jim actually started dating people Instead of just sleeping with them.

At the same time, Jim is actually learning how to have a relationship was somebody; Chris's relationship with his significant other is falling apart.

Chris's partner wanted their relationship to go public but Chris did not want to because he is still worried about the glass ceiling. Chris wanted to be an Admiral someday and despite equality on paper, he was worried that certain Admirals (K and his cronies) would use his orientation to keep him from obtaining that. In the last 20 years, there's only been nine openly LGBTP captains, not one of which became an Admiral even if one of these individuals holds the record for most commendations for someone who never made the rank of admiral.

Chris and his partner eventually decided to go their separate ways romantically, even though they would have ended up working together very closely on the Enterprise if it were not for the destruction of a certain planet and him being kidnapped. Now that he has achieved the rank of Admiral, Chris wondered why he wanted it so bad. In hindsight, he wondered if it was really worth giving up the possibility of a family.

Other than some mild regret, things were going well. He was adjusting to being earthbound. He was adjusting to being around people he could not stand on a regular basis. Chris was even getting used to utilizing a wheelchair.

At the same time, Jim was adjusting to becoming a captain and essentially a grownup. The now Captain Jim Kirk didn't call as much as he did when he was at the Academy. Of course, he couldn't. You couldn't exactly have regular communication in space. Usually when they spoke, it was work related. However, one night nine months in to the mission, he got a call from his pseudo son about falling in love with his first officer. He's a little surprised and slightly uncomfortable, but he knows Jim needs his help. Chris made his choice and now it's time to live with it.

"I always knew you two would be good for each other but I just wasn't thinking it would be in a 'happily ever after married for ever' good." Chris said with a laugh to hide a little bit of his discomfort.

"I hate you. I come to you for emotional support and you decide to make fun of my Spock crush. God, I miss that Dr. Saroyan that you force me to see you. She would not be laughing at me right now. She would be supportive." Jim said with a slight pout and an irritated tone.

"I promised I will stop laughing. I don't know why you're so worried."

"Maybe it's because I have a crush on a guy who can and has knocked me unconscious in about 1.2 seconds flat. Than there's the fact that his equally as hot girlfriend can knock me out in 15 seconds flat. Did I mention the sexy yet terrifying girlfriend? I mean I don't even know if he's into guys. When I first saw him at the trial, I could have sworn he was gay. I almost collapsed with shock when I saw him kissing Uhura in the transporter room. I’m usually not wrong about those things." Chris was quietly laughing to himself. If only Jim knew.

"Trust me, he is in to guys." Chris reassured him. He couldn’t believe he was playing matchmaker in the most absurd situation imaginable. He really was a masochist.

"How would you know that?" Jim asked flippantly.

"Trust me, I know." Chris said more firmly this time.

"How can you…" Jim just got quiet for a second before he got it. "Oh my God! He was your science officer on a different ship before he taught at the academy. You're the ex before Ny. You slept with Spock? What the fuck?" Jim asked him with a mixture of shock and absolute horror.

"It is complicated. We broke up four months before the destruction of Vulcan. I think he got a little bit tired of me taking Number One to formal dinners." He realized now that’s was tired of a lot of things. He wanted more than Chris was willing to give.

"So Spock got tired of being your dirty little secret that you kept until you became an admiral?" Jim’s voice was icy as he spoke.

"Pretty much, I think I need alcohol for this conversation," he said before pausing to make himself a drink. there was always something in his desk for emergencies and this was an emergency. "Now that I got what I want professionally, I realize I don't really want it anymore. Don't make the same mistake I did." Chris said with a voice filled with regret.

"Do you think whatever is going on between Spock and Nyota is just a rebound thing?" Jim asked after a few moments wean the silence became too much.

"I'm not sure." He answered simply because he didn’t know the answer for sure. That made him realize that no matter how long they were together he did not know Spock as well as he thought he did.

For the rest of the conversation they focused on business related things. It was easier that way.

xx

A month later, a very suspicious accident report is flagged by a certain country doctor that he has gotten to know over the years during their time dealing with a slightly crazy Jim Kirk.

"So would you like to explain the accident report I just received from a certain doctor friend of yours? Seriously, you ran into a door?" He asked Jim directly with a hint of sarcasm.

"Not really. Bones is Bones. Who knows what the man is thinking sometimes." Of course, Jim did not look at him when he said this.

"You honestly didn't think I would see right through the accident report excuse. Really, you ran into a door on a spaceship? Most rational people know better." Chris chastised.

"It always worked for Frank. Everyone believed him when he said I fell off my bike when I showed up to school all black and blue. The door excuse was quite popular as well. No one ever asked more questions back then, except for the future Mrs. Barnett. I didn't think they would ask questions now when it's not really a life and death matter anymore." He felt sad for a moment as Chris wondered exactly how bad Jim Kirk’s childhood really was.

"I wouldn't have believed that excuse. Not back then and not now. So what exactly happened?" He asked as he mentally prepared himself for a classic Jim Kirk bullshit response.

"I probably should tell you I'm dating your ex-boyfriend in a 'most likely to bond' kind of way. I can't exactly give you all the details because it's complicated, but as you know Spock is not good at breaking up with people.” Chris just nodded in agreement at that. “Spock basically lied to Nyota, in a Vulcan way, about why they broke up. At least, Spock had the good sense not to tell her that she was the rebound relationship. She was a little upset when she walked in on us kissing. She was beyond pissed off and went to smack a certain ex-boyfriend upside the head and ended accidentally punching me instead. That's when I actually fell into the door. So I wasn't lying per say, most of the damage was caused by a door." Chris just shook his head.

"Please explain to me why I am not writing up your chief communications officer for insubordination?" Chris asked in frustration. Jim Kirk was the reason why his hair was grain.

"Because she apologized and Spock was kind of being a dick. I sort of took her boyfriend. I gave her a free shot. Am I going to have to worry about you beating me up next time were near each other? I'm sure you could still kick my ass in the wheelchair." Jim said with a chuckle.

"Damn right. Although I prefer to be the overprotective father figure then the overprotective ex-boyfriend. Tell your boyfriend to be worried if he does anything to you." He said with a deep breath. It was time to let go.

Three years later, he is called into an emergency meeting of the Admiralty and he instantly knows Jim Kirk was involved when a certain Admiral who will remain nameless started shaking. For this reflection, he will simply refer to the individual by his nickname Admiral K. Chris already heard everybody talking about secret relationships. The room suddenly goes quiet as he makes his way inside.

"Did you know?" He is asked by Admiral K as PDDA is put in his hands. The display held various media articles with headlines such as 'saviors of earth are marrying each other.' Seriously this is why they were calling him in?

"No, I didn't know about the wedding. As his pseudo father figure, you'd think he would have sent me an invitation before he announced it to the entire world. Jim never does anything the normal way. That's kids for you." He answered almost flippantly. He was tipped off a few weeks earlier that it was a possibility (somebody had to approve the shore leave that was really an excuse for ring shopping) but he wasn't expecting this.

"So you knew that Captain Kirk was engaged in a scandalous ga-- relationship with his alien first officer? This is going to be a disaster." There were certain parts of that statement that made him very upset. He was upset K was making an issue in the first place when nobody outside his little circle cared.

"There's nothing scandalous about their relationship. I signed off on the paperwork approving their relationship myself." Chris said with a touch of anger in his voice. "Why is it going to be a disaster? You're afraid that little boys on earth and several other planets will not join Starfleet if they find out their hero prefers men? It's 2262. Get over it. Even the Boy Scouts have LGTBP leadership now." The 'it only took a few decades' was left off.

"It's wrong." He heard Admiral K whisper under his breath but Chris still heard him and  was starting to wonder if he was intoxicated. K was usually better at keeping up his PC façade than this.

 "If you feel that way, that is you're right. However, you can't impose your viewpoint on other people. Everybody is prejudiced. However, you cannot let it affect your ability to command. You have to respect the differences of others." Chris said biting his tongue literally to keep from adding ‘but we all know you sure as hell can’t do that’.

"Sit down admiral, before you lose that title and find yourself in rehab again." Admiral Barnett said slamming his hands on the table. "Captain Kirk and Commander Spock did nothing wrong. Starfleet command was well aware of their relationship, even if you were not. We are not here to discuss Captain Kirk and Commander Spock's relationship but rather our to respond to the upcoming nuptials, as well as, who will become Capitan of the USS Mandela now that Commander Spock is unavailable."

Of course, Admiral K did not shut up and said something along the lines of "Maybe this is a good thing. At least now the little upstart F#$% will never make admiral,” under breath, assuming that no one else would hear him. However, at least one member of the admiralty was used to back talking teenagers that like to mumble.

"You mind repeating that for everyone else to hear?" Admiral Barnett asked, extremely pissed off. "I really would like to know how a captain's sexual orientation affects his or her ability to command. People are promoted based on their abilities and solely their abilities. I would hate to find out you were using other criteria to make hiring decisions." Richard was giving him his wife’s death glare.

"Then why haven't we had a single gay admiral?" Admiral K asked in the most ignorant way possible.

Chris is pretty sure somebody else mumbled, "That's what you think you xenophobic misogynistic dick," but Chris wasn't sure. Lots of people were rolling their eyes, regardless. There were a million ways Chris could respond but he was trying to avoid getting arrested for punching a 'colleague', so he kept it simple enough for the idiots understand.

"I'm gay, so obviously there is at least one gay admiral currently," he joked. "The ‘despite your efforts to keep that from happening since some moron gave you power,’ was left unsaid. Chris can’t prove it but he sure K is the main reason why Starfleet Admiralty currently skews male and human.

"What?" K blurted out as he scooted away. Chris just shook his head, this guy was crazy.

"I thought you know, almost everyone else did long before I got this job. You do realize it is the 2260s and not the 1960s?" Chris asked sarcastically. "Being non-heterosexual can't get me kicked out of Starfleet, but being a xenophobic bigot can get you kicked out." He shot back with venom. Seriously, how did this guy get in Starfleet in the first place? Chris was sure nepotism was involved. He was going to make it his personal mission to get that asshole out of Starfleet.

Making certain people hyperventilate for no good reason is actually quite fun. Thanks to his little announcement, he can bring his partner of two years to the wedding of his protégé and son he never had.


	4. Part four: Jane Que Public: We Made You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter.   
> Thank you to Teddy Bear for being my beta on the original version. I did not send the rewrites to be with looked at again for the sake of time.   
> The idea for this section originally came from the very infamous quo used in the T'hy'la footnote in the novelization of the original first Star Trek movie.   
> How would Jim Kirk in the alternate dimension deal with nosy reporters asking questions about his sex life? Especially when he has been followed by reporters his entire life. That's the question I've tried to answer. Although this particular reporter fell for the Jim Kirk charm instantly (but not in that way).   
> Note: Not that I can understand the star dates completely in the new universe but based on things in the 2009 film and the commentary track I'm going to assume Jim was born at beginning of January 2233.   
> In this story, I have the Tarsus genocide occurring slightly later than it did in the prime reality. I'm making the assumption that the rapid advancement in technology impacted what happen on the colony.   
> Warning: This chapter is going to deal heavily with what happened on Tarsus IV. For that reason alone, I have to raised the rating to M. This chapter will contain mentions of multiple sexual assaults, abuse of a minor, genocide, terrorism, and other unpleasant things that we try not to think about.   
> New dedication May, 2013: This story is dedicated to everyone who read this recent quote from JJ Abrams in Playboy "And it’s always fun playing the womanizing card with Kirk and seeing him in bed with girls who might not be completely human—you know, green skin or whatever. Nobody’s going to force Kirk to be a romantic and settle down. That would feel forced and silly. Kirk’s a player. We like him that way,” and thought one of the following: "Are we talking about the same character?", "Are you sure they're all 'girls'?", "Was 'whatever' code for 'dick'? ", and "When has Jim Kirk ever acted the way he was supposed to?"

 

Part four: Jane Que Public: We Made You

Just because someone is famous does that mean we as the public have a right to know everything about their life? Does the fact that they have become a public person mean they no longer have an expectation of privacy? Do we as a society have a right to put their life under a microscope and judge everything they do based on what we think we know about that person? Do we the people have the right to judge this individual simply because they exist in the public sphere?

The concept of the Celebrity or the public figure has existed for millennium in one form or another throughout the galaxy. Although these cultures were distinctly different they had important public figures such as rulers, sports figures, war heroes, and performers of the arts. In all of these cultures, individuals were exalted due to some particular ability that made that individual special or because they just happen to be born to the right person. Sometimes a person became famous for having a special talent such as the ability to act, sing, or maybe to be a good leader. Some individuals are famous simply for being famous like the hotel heiress Kyoto Hilton, who comes from a very long line of people who are celebrities because of their last name and doing silly things like getting busted for possession of an illegal substance.

Jim Kirk was a celebrity because of a heroic father who died saving his life along with 800 others, surviving a premature birth during the middle of an evacuation in Klingon space, saving earth from a psychopath bent on revenge (more than once), and having baby blue eyes that make little girls (and some boys) all across the galaxy use his image as the wallpaper for their PADDs. That's just the tip of the iceberg as to why after almost three decades Jim Kirk was still famous.

Throughout the centuries, those who have been deemed a celebrity by a particular culture are expected to allow their lives to be an open book. This was supposedly the price of fame and power. The public desired to know every thing about this individual from what they like to replicate for breakfast to who they slept with Friday night. At some point during the evolution of journalism it became her job to feed the public the information they crave regardless of the ethics involved. Sometime during the early 21st century people stopped caring about what their government was doing and decided it was more advantageous to focus on which celebrity was sleeping with which other celebrity. Maybe people were just to war weary back then and unfortunately, that has not really changed in the last 250 years.

Her pen name is Jane Qeu Public, she lost her real name about the same time she lost her journalistic integrity. In journalism school, Jane wanted to be a classic journalist who did award winning pieces that exposed corruption at the core of Starfleet and the Federation. Instead, she began her career writing puff pieces about certain pop stars, of who, wrap their vintage cars around trees, and then get off with a slap on the wrist (I.e. 30 days probation and another stint at rehab that did not work). Now, she wrote usually fluffy pieces that might as well be recruiting propaganda for Starfleet with some exceptions.

She was only seven months out of journalism school when the Kelvin incident happened in January of 2233. The only job she could get post graduation was to serve as the assistant for the star of a celebrity gossip show. So instead of writing articles about why Starfleet wasn't devoting more resources to finding the ship that attacked the Kelvin, Jane was in Iowa chasing around the widow of George Kirk and the blue eyed baby born in space. She was disgusted with herself for participating in this horrible display of behavior but she had college loans to pay.

Winona Kirk was a broken woman who looked like she was going to break down crying at any moment. Being chased by reporters from every planet in the Federation, looking for an exclusive, did not help matters at all. Mrs. Kirk was wary of the reporters and made sure to keep her baby boy covered at all times. That made all the 'journalists' covering the story angry and more determined than ever to get a picture.

After two months of trying to get an interview with the allusive woman, almost all other reporters left. Jane personally thinks it's because they couldn't deal with Iowa in winter any longer. January and February in Iowa was beyond freezing and it was snowing all the time. Fortunately as someone who grew up in a similar climate, she could deal with it.

Jane's boss left her behind in Iowa to get the story much to her dismay. Basically her boss told her that if she didn't get the story she should not even bother coming back.

One day in March that year, as Jane was sitting at one of the cafes in Riverside putting her resume together to get a job that was not as demeaning, she saw a woman who was struggling to get inside with her four year old son and obviously newborn baby, that wouldn't stop crying. Maybe it was the sunglasses or the dye job but she didn't recognize the woman as Winona Kirk. After Jane managed to get the little boy to stop crying by singing a song, the woman in sunglasses started talking to her as she waited for her order.

"Why are you in Iowa? You're obviously not a local." The woman asked taking a drink of her water as Jane kept rocking the adorable baby.

"I'm a journalist or at least that's what I went to school for. Because I owe a small fortune in student loans and have no living parents to fall back on, I was forced to take a job were my boss wants me to chase down some poor widow so we can write some sob story article that will keep the public from asking why after more than two months we still haven't found the ship that attacked the Kelvin. This morning my boss asked me to go through the poor woman's trash, completely forgetting the fact that most people currently recycle everything. That's why I'm currently trying to find another job before I completely lose my soul and become another Barbara Sawyer."

"So you think it's wrong what they're doing to the Kirk woman?" The woman asked tentatively.

"Completely, she's morning her husband and dealing with becoming a single parent in the most horrific way possible. Instead of giving her time to adjust, we are making her life miserable just to feed the public's supposed right to know. It is just not right." Jane's words easily conveyed her young idealism.

That conversation is how Jane gets her exclusive. Jane's interview with Winona Kirk manages to get one million hits in the first hour after being posted on March 22, 2233. Most people just wanted to see the images of the beautiful blue eyed baby that was born as his daddy died. Even at just over two months, Jim Kirk still played for the camera and instantly became a star. Most people thought it was cue that he kept trying to grab her chest area during the interview as she held him. She should've realized something was wrong when Mrs. Kirk would hand her baby off to anybody who was willing to look after him.

Though the interview allowed her to keep her job and receive a nice pay raise, Jane felt dirty. She did not want to take credit for something like this and decided to use a pseudonym. This was when Jane Qeu Public was born.

Individuals throughout the galaxy craved to know more about the newly anointed baby blue eyes celebrity and as one of many journalists she was more than happy (not really) to oblige to keep her ratings up.

Every year when Mrs. Kirk was actually on earth, she would drag her two boys to the Kelvin memorial service. During those first few years, after drinking one too many glasses of whatever alcoholic beverage was on hand, Winona would end up crying in one of the bathrooms leaving her two children in the hands of that nice reporter lady that little Jimmy like so much. Even after Winona married that abusive prick she still would leave the children with Jane during her annual crying jag in the ladies room.

Jane hated these events because it seemed like Starfleet was using the dead as a recruiting tool and she as a supposed journalist was giving Starfleet the resources to do such a thing. In all the years she was forced to cover the ceremonies only two good things happened. First, she met her husband at the 10th annual ceremony because he had to be there for some reason. He's currently a high ranking Starfleet admiral but he had just been a captain back then.

The other good thing were her conversations with Jimmy. Every year she was there they would always talk. When he was little they would talk about his teddy bears and why he didn't like his mommy's new boyfriend, who later became his stepdad. When he started school they talked about how under stimulating his classes were and what girls he had a crush on.

Actually, it was her that said they were girls. Even in this day and age when she did an interview she never asked people about their partner or significant other. She asked male guests about their girlfriends or wives and female guests about their boyfriends or husbands (until she got tired of asking that question altogether). Really how was she supposed to know that Jim Kirk would gender neutralize her question when responding? Even before he was a teenager, he was good at answering questions without actually answering them.

Jim was a pro at providing BS non-answers to relationship questions long before he saved earth because he already had decades of practice with non-answers. When Jim was eight, Jane would ask him about how his mom was doing emotionally, he would talk to her about Winona's career or what they did when she came to visit last time. Jane would be so caught up in his explanation that she doesn't realize Jim never answered her actual question about Winona's mental health. He didn't lie he just didn't provide an answer that actually answered her question.

Before he turned 11, when she asked Jim about the various bruises covering his body he would go into some long dialogue about riding his bike in the woods. He never actually said that the bruises came from falling off his bike but he implied it enough that one would believe that was the answer. Of course, that didn't work forever and eventually she discovered that Jimmy was black and blue because of his stepfather.

When James was 11, Jane was in Iowa to cover the dedication of the shipyard named after George Kirk. She was surprised Winona and Jimmy were not there, but according to Jane's then brand new boyfriend Winona was on a mission and could not get back in time. Even then, she knew that was Starfleet BS speak for 'she didn't want to come, but we don't want anybody to know that, because it would look bad'.

Although Jimmy wasn't there in body, he was there in spirit. All the locals were talking about either his love life or the fact that he drove a vintage convertible into a ravine a few days earlier. The locals were more focused on the fact that Jimmy was already beating the 'girls' off with a stick before he hit his teenage years then the car incident being a cry for attention.

She was quickly asking herself, why did Jimmy need attention? Her reporter instincts told her something big was going on. Before she knew what she was doing she found herself traveling the dusty road up to the Kirk farmhouse.

Even at the height of dealing with her husband's death, Winona's house was still immaculate. That day the inside was a mess. Liquor bottles and beer cans littered every space, with a unconscious Frank lying face down on the carpet in the living room. She banged on the door for 10 minutes before she finally walked in and found a bruised and battered 11 year old Jim Kirk lying in his room. To this day, she still has no idea where Sam was when his little brother was getting attacked by that excuse of a human being and she really didn't care why the 15 year old didn't call the cops. After what she saw no excuse was good enough. (Don't get her started on the fact that Winona didn't come back until the police showed her pictures of what Frank was doing to her baby.)

In addition to being covered in bruises and having two black eyes, Jim had two broken ribs, a fractured wrist, and internal bleeding. If she didn't barge in there when she did, who knows what would've happened. The doctors were just grateful that she brought him in when she did.

The police and child welfare services obviously didn't give a fuck or maybe they were so overworked they didn't have time to give a fuck. Once Jimmy was safe, she started investigating this story like any good reporter and found out that for years school teachers and neighbors had called CWS and the cops about their suspicions but nothing was done.

Jim didn't want her to run the story. He didn't want anybody to find out what his stepfather was doing to him. He didn't want their pity. He didn't want to be any more different than his classmates. She knew for a fact that a story about the child of the dead war hero being beaten by his stepfather, as the local child welfare system did nothing to prevent it, would generate millions of hits and just maybe get the system changed. A part of her knew that this child deserved to deal with the situation with some dignity and not have another painful part of his dysfunctional childhood splashed across PADD screens, no matter how newsworthy the story was. However, the apathy and neglect in the system needed to be exposed.

For not the first time in her career, Jane was at a real moral impasse. Does the public's right to know trump an individual's right to privacy? In the end, she decided that this story needed to be told but Jim Kirk's name did not need to be part of this story. The series of articles called Story of Child X eventually won her a few awards and the public outcry resulted in major overhaul of CWS throughout the Federation. In addition 36 instances of child abuse were reported within the first 24 hours after the article was initially posted. Who knows how many lives were saved because Jim Kirk story change the system.

xxx

Her choice not to make Jimmy the poster child for abused children somehow resulted in him trusting her which is why a few years later he risked contacting her during what would be known as the Tarsus massacre where 17,192 people were viciously murdered for having the wrong skin tone or eye color and another 542 people died of malnutrition.

Tarsus IV was a disaster from the beginning. People blamed the fungus and the scientist inability to kill it for causing the famine that allegedly triggered the massacre. In reality, the massacre was caused by poor planning and public apathy. It probably didn't hurt that they put a races nut job in charge with a god complex, who probably idolized Adolf Hitler and thought Rwandan was a good idea.

Originally, only 8000 colonists were supposed to be on Tarsus IV but due to breakthroughs in technology at the time, 24,123 colonists were on the planet at the time of the famine. According to a source that chooses to remain nameless, Starfleet received reports of the colony needing aid within 72 hours after the food shortages began but did not consider the situation a priority because only 24,000 people were on the colony. Aid would get to the colony but it wasn't scheduled to happen until six months after the federation first received a call for assistance.

Seven weeks after her source told her about the initial reports she received an anonymous video file containing footage that caused her to spend 15 minutes throwing up in the bathroom. The file contained scenes of murders, vicious rapes, and bloody corpses lining the streets of the colony. There were people fighting over any scrap of food, almost to the point of death. She recognized Jim's voice as he explain that people were willing to do anything to keep from starving or being murdered by the protection forces including trading sexual favors for protection and food.

The most painful were the images of the starving children. Although, it's been decades since starvation has been a major problem on earth, the images looked like something out of Earth's history books. How did it get so bad so fast?

She cried for a moment before she realized that she needed to act quickly. She knew instantly Jim was the one who sent her the file because he trusted her to do something. Who knew how bad things were now or how long it took for the video file to reach her?

Being married to a captain had its advantages sometimes and soon she was able to secure a meeting with the right person at Starfleet and FAID. At first, they put her off by telling her that aid was on its way and would get there as fast as it could. Her anonymous source already told her that that was a lie. Obviously, these people were still under the delusion that they were just dealing with the famine and not chaos. She showed the two people the file she received from Tarsus IV. After working in the new version of Washington, DC for over a decade at that point, she was not shocked by the callousness of career politicians and was not even surprise when they didn't shed a tear. Seeing the bloody bodies did not change their plans or priorities. They actually told her it just wasn't economically feasible to send aid faster. She thought she would never see the day when a price tag was put on a sentient life.

The only thing she had on her side was the power of public outcry and the well love child of a fallen war hero that happened to be on that planet. Jane threatened to release the unedited footage and let the galaxy know that Jim Kirk was one of the children on that planet. They didn't quite take her threat seriously until she started posting some of the actual footage on the net.

Three days later a ship with relief supplies and peacekeeping forces was on its way at top speed to the planet. Three months after the ordeal began relief supplies made it to the desperate colony and those in charge were arrested for everything from hate crimes to genocide.

She was the only reporter on the colony. She was the only non Starfleet person that saw the devastation first hand that did not survive the ordeal. She was the one who witnessed the forensic anthropologists digging through the mass graves and ashes. She was the one who witnessed the relief workers deal with scared children who don't trust anyone. She listened to their stories. The children had a right to be scared because many of them were brutally assaulted physically or sexually. The scary thing is these were the lucky ones that never made it to the execution chamber. She kept the extent of the sexual assault on Tarsus to herself. She couldn't victimize these children or anyone else anymore than they already had been by people who were supposed to protect them.

She tried to stay objective as she reported the story but when James Kirk was involved, her objectivity went out the window. She was the only person that he trusted on the colony. He was even afraid of the aid workers. Jane was the only person that Jim would talk to and she knew what he went through to protect a group of children and himself. She probably could have become a celebrity journalist by telling the story of how the hero's son, who was barely a teenager, traded sexual favors in exchange for promises of protection from one of the female leaders. (This occurred a few days after Jim saw his aunt viciously murdered after being sexually assaulted by members of the protection forces.)

His relationship with the unknown woman was also how Jim managed to transmit the real evidence of the atrocities occurring on the planet. He assumed that if the public knew what was really happening aid would get there faster. His quick thinking was the reason why relief supplies got there three months sooner than originally planned.

Again, she was in a moral quandary. Did the public really have a right to know everything that happened at the expense of the privacy of a child who went through something that no one should? Jane knew the story needed to be told, but she wasn't going to victimize this child or anyone else on that planet again.

The only written record of Jim Kirk's actions on Tarsus IV is located in a Starfleet file that is so classified that her husband probably cannot even read it. Even a sugarcoated version of the Tarsus massacre was a ratings winner. The trial and subsequent execution of Governor Kodos was the most streamed media event in 50 years. Despite this she still got fired when her boss found out she wouldn't tell the entire story. Maybe it was for the best.

The thing that probably made her the most upset out of everything was the extreme apathy of Winona Kirk. According to an unnamed source, not once during the time that Starfleet and the Federation were keeping the Tarsus situation quiet did Winona question why her son was not contacting her. Maybe if she said something the aid and peacekeeping forces would have arrived sooner.

Once Jim arrived back on earth, Winona was not there at the hospital. Then again neither was Sam. Jane was so pissed off she was ready to apply for custody of James herself if Winona didn't do something soon. For almost two months, she tried to get in contact with Winona every day under the guise of getting more material for the Tarsus story even though she had no intentions whatsoever of using Jimmy's name. Winona finally came back to earth when Jane not only threatened to sue her for custody, but also air the family's dirty laundry all over the net. In hindsight, maybe she should have just taken James and ran.

xxx

When James was at the academy years later, they talked a lot about the lost time between him returning to Iowa and James finally coming to San Francisco. Jim floundered under the eyes of an apathetic mother, who just got lost in herself again. There were high amounts of 'sex', drugs, and binge eating during the years before Jim found himself in Starfleet. Jane tried to write him a few times during the lost years, but he never wrote her back. She found out later that he no longer saw her as someone he could trust and Jim felt that she betrayed him by sending him back to Winona. That's okay because she felt like a traitor too.

During those last years she became an old school blog journalist keeping her pen name reporting on everything going on in San Francisco. It was easier to do than her old job after she became the mother of two beautiful little girls and her husband became an Admiral. After Tarsus, she was not emotionally ready to deal with hard hitting stories but she couldn't do celebrity gossip either. When her children were entering kindergarten her blog became a show. She did the entertainment show equivalent for the San Francisco political scene.

Her favorite moment on that show was when Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan did the Vulcan version of open mouth shock when she asked him about the end of his son's bond to T'Pring and his decision to join Starfleet Academy for a segment on arranged marriages in some cultures. He probably would have fainted if she told the ambassador about his son dating a highly decorated captain who just happened to be male back then.

Jane has known about Pike's personal preferences for a long time. Pike is a friend of her husband and a friend of hers. She was not going to sell her friend out for the sake of ratings for something that the public doesn't have the right to know about. She's not like her first boss Barbara. Although she overheard him talking to her husband about his boyfriend, she already knew. If he came on her show to promote Starfleet or talk about some mission she would eventually ask him if he had a girlfriend. Pike would always hedge her questions with a smile and copious amounts of double talk Jane refers to as Starfleet BS speak. When she receives confirmation, she just did not ask those types of questions anymore.

What amazed her so much is she could pick up on Pike's doublespeak easily, but she completely missed the signs with Jim. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she never saw Pike making out with some barely dressed individual that she assumed was female, as he manages to destroy her husband's vintage 21st century Ferrari.

The first time she sees Jim after more than eight years is just after he is responsible for a gigantic keg rolling into her husband's car that destroyed it, because he was probably too intoxicated to use some sort of technology to move the alcohol. Because she hated that car and is convinced her husband loved it more than her sometimes, she invited Jim in for tea instead of calling the police.

They talked about how bad things were for him with Winona after he returned. She felt so guilty for sending him back there that she lied to her husband about how his car was destroyed. She blamed the idiot who decided it was a good idea to put the house for the Dean of Starfleet Academy at the bottom of a hill by the liquor store where most students buy copious amounts of illegal alien alcohol. (That's the reason why the same thing happened to Admiral Archer's car too. She kept a lot of things that Jim did from the Admiralty and the public because it was none of their business and she was still guilty about the Winona thing.)

After the first car incident, they met for lunch or coffee every couple of weeks to talk about his classes and whatever 'girl' he was sleeping with at the time. Actually, she was the one who asked him about his girlfriend and not significant other. His cerulean blue eyes must have deactivated her BS detector, because she never perceived any deceit in his half truths.

Besides she didn't need Jim to feed the illusion that he was the original skirt chaser when the rumor mill was doing a good job without his help. If her husband didn't know that she actually did change Jim Kirk's diapers as a child, he probably would have believe the rumors about James screwing the wife of the academy Dean. Even though Pike told her about the Purple Hills incident to get her advice as a mom on how to keep Jim from getting expelled, she still did not put two and two together.

Even after two more years of lunches with Jim she still was under the impression that Jim was a proud heterosexual. First, he flirted with every woman around even her. Of course, she knows it doesn't mean anything because it's part of his personality. So when she saw him flirt with the occasional guy she just assumes that it doesn't mean anything. He becomes an expert at dodging the girlfriend question by diverting her attention to other things like her children.

She assumed he did that because he doesn't want to answer the girlfriend question because he is embarrassed by his sleeping around ways. She doesn't think it's because Jim doesn't trust her not to put his sexual orientation all over the net.

Twenty-five years post Kelvin and most people outside the Starfleet community don't remember what happened that day which is a shame because history was doomed to repeat itself very soon. At that point Jim isn't news anymore, at least not until he 'cheats' on the Kobayashi Maru. Then he becomes infamous for a completely different reason.

She is not surprised that he did it because this is the same person who did very unpleasant things to get her the Tarsus video file. She knew he couldn't tolerate any no win situations, so of course he sees changing the parameters of the test as a valid strategy for winning. She told her husband this, but he did not believe her.

Richard let her sit on the hearing after she employs her special persuasion techniques. Using sex on your husband to get what you want is not cheating. She's the only non Starfleet person there, but people will not question why the admiral's significant other is on campus especially when she's dressed in all black to blend.

She really is shocked to see Chris's old boyfriend so angry when he is accusing Cadet Kirk of cheating. After years of interviewing various dignitaries from Vulcan including Spock's father she instantly realizes his behavior is abnormal. Why did Jim make him so angry?

When Jim and Spock approach each other for the first time she swears she feels some electric current in the air crackling and sizzling around the room. The moment they met she knew something major just happened. She just was not aware of just how major that moment was.

She should have known something was going on by the fact that Spock's words actually caused Jim to visibly show that he was unnerved by the low blow of mentioning Jim's father. Jim is usually good at not letting people see how damaged he is inside. Jim even managed to keep a stiff upper lip during the aftermath of Tarsus, but at that moment Jane could see pain in his body language.

At the time she doesn't have a moment to think about it because her husband's assistant walks up to him and gives Richard a PADD. She instantly recognize his 'things are about to go to hell' expression just before he orders the cadets to the hanger bay.

She has a communicator out sending messages to her contact at the Vulcan embassy before she chases her husband down outside one of the classified briefing rooms. He doesn't tell her anything new about what's happening as he kisses her goodbye. She doesn't see her husband again for five days.

The next five days are a nightmare and something straight out of a science fiction novel. At first, nobody believes that the images of Vulcan imploding are real even after they see images of a giant drill landing on the green of Starfleet Academy in San Francisco. Nobody wanted to believe that six billion individuals were murdered in cold blood by a group of terrorists. After Tarsus, she is already aware of the true levels of depravity an individual could achieve under the right conditions. More importantly, she is aware of the depths of heroism some people are capable of.

She is not shocked that Jim Kirk was instrumental in preventing Earth from suffering the same fate as Vulcan. She's not even that shocked about finding out he was able to do this despite getting stranded on an ice planet that makes Iowa winters look like a Florida paradise. She doesn't find out about the strangling incident until much later under a completely different context that she doesn't want to talk about. (TMI)

Those first few weeks are insane. In the weeks after the destruction of Vulcan, she spends a lot of time at memorial services in the capacity of the admiral's wife. The services for the thousands of students lost were the worse. The loss of young life was always painful but it was worse because of the vultures surrounding the perimeter trying to get a shot of the grieving family members. She's glad she was there as the admiral's wife and not one of the pariahs chasing down grieving family members to feed the interests of the public who craved such images. But hey as long as they're watching pictures of grieving family members they cannot ask important questions such as why the report detailing a transmission about a Klingon armada being destroyed was 'lost' due to the incompetence of the person who received the report from the cadet who intercepted the transmission.

The worst media circus occurred at the funeral of Amanda Grayson, the wife of the former ambassador of Earth and the mother of one of the individuals who saved it. Jane obviously doesn't believe that the reporters were delusional enough to think they would actually get a shot of Spock mourning the death of his mother in public. They did get some spectacular shots of Spock's girlfriend crying. (Jane didn't see that relationship coming at all. She swore Spock was gay and not bi or pan. That relationship was obviously a rebound thing because if the new lieutenant really loved Spock she would know better than to hold a Vulcan's hand when you are bursting into tears. Her emotions must have been making the whole thing more intolerable for Spock.)

Considering what she heard about what happened between Jim and Spock on the Enterprise, she was shocked to see Jim at this particular memorial service. He was dressed in black civilian clothes and stuck to the back. She would not have even noticed he was there if she didn't hear Jim telling a reporter to fuck off and leave Spock alone. Really, she should have known something was going on even then because Jim was being protective.

Jim was the complete opposite of the girlfriend. No direct hand contact and Jim did a really good job at keeping his emotions to himself. Maybe he actually did pay attention that day they covered Vulcan culture in class. When Jane went to call to check up on her kids she overheard a really interesting conversation that told her that maybe Jim actually cared about Spock in some way. Jane just wasn't sure in what way.

"I know you're probably still mad at me for what I did on the bridge." She could sense the sincerity in Jim's voice as she tried to leave the coat check area but couldn't because they were blocking the door.

"Vulcans do not get mad." She heard through the door.

"Tell that to my neck. It still hurts when I move to fast."

"Your actions were logical under the circumstances." Spock said avoiding the neck comment that she didn't understand at the time.

"Logical or not, I should not have said those things about your mom. I don't know you at all, even though I would like to eventually. I had no right to make that type of assumption. I was being a complete dick and I'm sorry," she could tell that he was being sincere because Jim rarely apologizes.

"What do male gentle organs have to do with your behavior?" Jane is pretty sure she heard a laugh or maybe a sigh at that point from James.

"It's an expression. It means that I did something to you that I should not have done. Of all people, I should know what it's like to lose a parent and you didn't deserve that."

"I accept your apology." Spock responded without hesitation. "Although, it is somewhat illogical to apologize for something that cannot be changed. It was inappropriate for me to use your father at the discipline hearing. After the death of my mother, I understand how inappropriate my words were.I apologize as well."

"Great, you just reminded me I still have to go through that trial. If they expel me after we saved earth, I'm going to seriously hurt you." Without seeing, Jim she could tell his words were in jest.

"That is biologically impossible because I am at least three times stronger than you are. In addition, Starfleet has no cause to expel you because I have dropped the charges. It seemed illogical to pursue such a thing now. I will not be in Starfleet much longer because I have decided to help rebuilt my population." Because everything went quiet for a moment she thought it was safe to open the door instead she saw a completely miserable look come over Jim's face. They were so caught up in their conversation that they didn't even notice she kept the door cracked.

"Thank you for dropping the charges, but you can't leave." She hasn't heard that type of panic in Jim's voice since she told him that Winona was coming to take him home.

"I assure you it is physically possible for me to leave." Spock replied dryly.

"I wasn't talking literally. I get that you want to help your people but you can do that from your position in Starfleet. Either way, call me if you need someone to speak too. Even though I was too little to remember how it happened, I do know what it's like to lose a parent." That's when she saw Jim squeeze Spock's hand.

Because at this time she is 100% sure Jim Kirk is not in to guys, she assumes either Jim thinks he is giving Spock the Vulcan version of a hug or he was slightly drunk the day they went over how not to touch a Vulcan after all. This doesn't make sense because Jim wasn't touching the other Vulcans. Jim and Spock also stayed touching like that for several minutes forcing her to walk out of the coat closet and ruin the moment. What was going on here?

xxx

Jane pushed what she saw that day out of her mind even after she heard that Commander Spock was staying in Starfleet much to Jane's husband's relief. Let's just say nobody else in Starfleet, who was halfway familiar with Jim Kirk's infamous reputation, wanted the first officer position. It was not until she spent a month on the Enterprise watching the Jim and Spock show first hand does she wonder if her previous assumptions about Jim Kirk were false and there was another reason why Spock took the position.

Due to the mass casualties during the battle of Vulcan, getting people to join Starfleet became a top priority. 80% of the entire cadet class of 2258 was lost. To help rehabilitate Starfleet's image, someone other than her husband had the brilliant idea to have a reporter live on a ship for a month and write a series of articles about it.

If she didn't see video of it, she would never believe that her name was randomly selected out of an actual hat. She was sure her husband wasn't happy about being alone with the kids for two months while she was on assignment. She personally thinks that she was chosen because she had the good sense not to print something that could endanger the Federation. Slightly more than six months after the destruction of Vulcan she found herself on the Federation flagship in hopes that she will create a brilliant piece of recruiting propaganda.

During her time on Enterprise, she actually discovered there was a one in two chance that at least one member of the security team that happened to be wearing a red shirt will get killed during an away mission. That particular piece of information is kept out of her article on the need to improve the training of security staff.

She also picked up on the unusual closeness between first officer and captain instantly. They were completely in sync with each other. It's like they've known each other their whole lives but she knows that's not possible.

For example during a 30-minute interview where she spoke to the two about a previous mission they finished each others sentences 25 times. Jim also touches Spock's hand 17 times and used the Jim Kirk puppy dog eyelashes six times to get his way. For some reason she felt like she was interviewing a married couple.

If Jim and Spock seemed like the perfect married couple, Spock and his girlfriend seem like a couple on the verge of divorce. If the girlfriend tried to touch him when on duty, Spock would push her away or lecture her on the inappropriateness of physical contact when on shift. If the lieutenant tried to engage Spock in a non work related conversation, he would redirect or completely ignore her. Jane never saw Spock do that with Jim.

Even if everyone thought Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura were the perfect couple, Jane knew better. Jane and Jim were probably the only two people who could pick up on the fact that Spock wanted to run away every time Nyota tried to kiss him in public. Did she know that it was completely unacceptable for a Vulcan to engage in a human kiss in public? Jane was under the impression that Starfleet officers had better culture training then that.

She saw Spock in love before and could obviously see that the connection just wasn't there with the rebound girl. Of course, Vulcans don't scream their love from rooftops but there are subtle things that anyone can see if you're looking close enough, such as little looks and touches. Chris brought his boyfriend to her house enough times, when they were together, for her to know how Spock acts when he love someone. Spock does not act this way around the rebound girlfriend.

However, Spock does act this way around Jim. She's pretty sure she saw Spock smile for 0.5 seconds when she told him that she actually taught Jim how to play chess. The last time she saw Spock smile, was the last time she saw him kiss Pike.

Considering she knew about Spock's previous lover, she wasn't that surprised he had a crush on his captain. However, there was just no way Jim had a crush on his first officer. Straight guys do not have crushes on their male first officer. Of course, when has Jim Kirk ever acted the way he was supposed to? She should have known better.

If she looked at the situation assuming Jim was not the poster boy for heterosexual player, she could obviously see the 'schoolboy with a crush' behavior on Jim's part. Jim was always touching Spock. He was always making excuses to spend time with Spock. Her husband was a captain once and she is sure he never spent that much time doing paperwork with his first officer back then. (If he did, they were going to have one very serious conversation.) Also during her time on Enterprise, she noticed Jim stare at his first officer's backside 138 times. Someone would not do that if they didn't have a crush on the person.

At first, she thought she was seeing things because no one else saw the couple in love behavior. When she did individual interviews with members of the bridge crew, everyone but Dr. McCoy and one other person assumed Jim Kirk was sleeping his way through the female members of the crew and several of the visiting dignitaries. A certain 17-year-old Russian crewmember, who will remain nameless, accused her of being one of Captain Kirk's latest conquests in front of Spock and Jim.

"Although Captain Kirk is quite reckless I seriously doubt he is stupid enough to carry on a sexual relationship with Admiral Barnett's wife. Do you not have somewhere to be ensign?" The individual in question was down the hall before he could suffer a Spock stare of death. It was so cute to see Spock defending Jim.

"Seriously, I don't know why they think we are sleeping together or that I am fucking the entire crew for that matter. I've been a very good starship captain lately." Jim said in annoyance.

"I believe the rumor about you and Mrs. Barnett originated at the academy." Spock said quickly.

"Not that my husband ever believed it back then." She said with a laugh as they walked out of the cafeteria.

"You're still very hot for a woman who is about to hit 50, but even at the height of my man whore days I would not sleep with somebody who actually changed my diaper and gave me a bottle as a baby, no matter who that person was married to." She was too caught up in Spock's reaction to notice that Jim's statement was gender neutral.

"You changed the captain's diapers?" Spock asked in shock, for him. She was just about to answer 'yes' and leave it at that but Jim wanted to tell the whole story.

"Before she was married to Admiral Barnett and had her own show, she was pretty much force to cover things no one else wanted to, to pay her college loans, even after she managed to get the first interview with the Kelvin widow AKA mom. This meant that she was forced to cover the Starfleet memorial service commemorating the Kelvin attack for the first decade. According to my aunt, my mom got completely wasted at the first memorial service and spent the entire time crying in the facilities. Of course, before she got completely smashed she handed me over to reporter Jane."

"Jim has always been picky about whom he will let close to him. For some reason he's always liked me. That's how I ended up changing his diaper in the middle of the service. I think I have pictures somewhere." She is surprise that Jim actually told Spock anything about how crappie his childhood was. Jim usually answered such questions with a wink and a smile after he gives a BS non-answer. Yet, for some reason, Jim was actually comfortable enough to let Spock see the truth.

She could have lie to herself and said that the connection she was seeing was the beginning of a life-affirming friendship, but that would be a gross understatement of the truth. Yet, what she was seeing was incomplete conflict with her assumption that Jim was straight. One of her assumptions must be false, but which one?

After she saw Jim try to get his first officer to give him a back rub on the bridge, two days before she would depart, she knew she needed to ask Jim.

"I'm not asking you this question as Jane Public or even the admiral's wife, but as someone who has known you since you were an infant. Are you in love with your first officer?" Jim laughed at her but she can tell it was forced.

"People like me don't fall in love. People like me don't fall in love with someone like Spock. I'm a player and that is what people love about me." If anybody else said that to her she probably would have fell for it.

"I knew I was being crazy. I mean you're obviously straight but"-then she stops herself mid-sentence realizing what Jim really said. "You didn't answer the question James. I didn't ask if people like you fall in love. I asked you if you were in love with Spock. Do you love him?"

"You're convinced I am straight, yet you are still positive that I'm in love with Spock?" He asked in shock.

"All the evidence is pointing in that direction. Yesterday you touched his hand 29 times in a very indecent way. By the way you stare at him it's obvious you feel something other than friendship. But it just doesn't make sense with your skirt chasing reputation. However, when has anything about love ever been logical?"

"It looks like your reporter instincts are getting rusty in your old age. One of your assumptions is completely false." He said almost smugly to her.

"Don't give me that. I know you are in love with Spock. I see those glances and I know you know what a Vulcan kiss is. I'm surprise his girlfriend hasn't killed you yet." Jane said in her defense.

"I meant your other assumption." Jim deadpan.

"Oh."

"I'm not heterosexual, but I am not homosexual either. I consider myself pansexual, when I feel like putting a label on it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy women. I actually like the physical aspects of sex with women better than sex with men. However, I haven't had a single relationship with the woman that has lasted more than a couple of days since high school and you know this. All my long-term relationships have been with guys. My sexual preferences are not going to end up as your lead story tomorrow are they?" She actually laughed when he asked that.

"I'm a reporter, not a teenage gossip queen or Barbara Sawyer. Whom you sleep with is none of my business. If I felt such a thing was news worthy I would have reported the fact that Christopher Pike became the first gay admiral in recent Starfleet history, despite Admiral KKK's efforts otherwise."

"You know about that?" Jim asked politely surprised.

"He used to bring his boyfriend to my house for Sunday dinner all the time. That was a messy breakup. That particular significant other was not good at expressing his emotions at all."

"Can you at least tell me who said boyfriend was? Chris would never tell me." Jim asked like an excited little kid.

"No. You'll figure it out eventually." She said cryptically. "So you're completely in love with your first officer?"

"How do you know this?"

"It's a gift. I know you. I also know that you're probably scared."

"I'd rather deal with an army of Klingons. I somehow manage to fall head over feet in love with my straight first officer, who has a girlfriend." Okay apparently Jim really did not know about Spock being Chris's ex.

"I promise I will be there for you whenever you need me but maybe you should call Pike. He's been in your position before and he will understand." Of course, the real reason she's asking him to call Chris is so he can tell Jim that Spock is his ex boyfriend.

"You would have been like the best mommy ever. Can't you stay longer?"

"I have to get back to my other kids. E-mail me when you finally get it together. Also when the Russian kid finds out you're sleeping with Spock I want video footage of his reaction," She said laughing.

"If I get a miracle, I will tell you first."

xxx

Of course, Jim did not e-mail her when he and Spock finally got together a few months later. She found out about their new relationship by 'accidentally' reading the paperwork that her husband signed off on to approve their relationship. She was angry and sent a six page e-mail to her little Jimmy. She told him that she better be the first one that finds out about the wedding.

The next couple of years were interesting. Jim and Spock's relationship was probably the best-kept secret in Starfleet. She was pretty sure no one knew except for a small inner circle of people because that was what the couple wanted. No one likes living in a fishbowl. If Jim and Spock's relationship was public knowledge to the crew, she was sure that a few crewmembers would be perfectly willing to make a small fortune by selling out their captain and first officer to the highest bidder.

Jim does listen to her request about the Russian kid and sends her the video file. It's essentially computer enhanced security footage of that now 18 year old walking in on his commanding officers 'making out'. His shocked puppy dog expression was absolutely priceless and almost made up for Jim not telling her immediately.

Eventually other people, including reporters, noticed the closeness between Jim and Spock, resulting in rumor starting to appear in some of the more tabloid like publications. Fortunately, Jim left on good terms with most of his 'ex-boyfriends' and no one was willing to sell him out to Gossip World.

Every time Jim did an interview the significant other question did come up. Jim's responses were absolutely hilarious:

"I'm a starship captain. I don't exactly have time to go clubbing when I am trying to keep the planet from getting blown up."

"I did not exactly get a lot of action on my last shore leave. I think I ended up kidnapped by somebody. I get kidnapped a lot."

"There are rules about sleeping around with the crew and I just don't feel like picking up an alien STI from a random hook up, again."

"You know I never understand why reporters automatically asked that question. We just survived one of the greatest terrorist attacks in Federation history and you want to ask me about who I slept with last night? Where are your priorities?"

"Contrary to what you think, I don't sleep with everyone on my crew. Could you imagine how many STIs I would catch if I did something that stupid?"

"I have no trouble whatsoever with anybody loving whoever they want to love. I am proud to serve a Federation that recognizes all types of relationships. However, whom I date should not be a matter of public interest, when I actually have time to date someone."

"When you are exploring new planets, you don't usually have time to meet someone. I'm sure some day I'll find the perfect individual for me. Maybe I already have."

"I don't exactly have the time to read the tabloids, so I was completely unaware of the rumors about me and Spock sleeping together. I know Spock has encountered such rumors because he's such a multitasker, and has no trouble surfing Gossip WorldNet as he is writing reports. He usually dismisses the wild accusations with the Vulcan equivalent of the middle finger. Personally, I believe in physical and emotional love in all its many forms involving sentient beings from across the galaxy. When it comes to relationships of the carnal, I have found the best physical satisfaction with the females of various species. Honestly, do you think I would be happy with getting laid only once every seven years?"

She was rolling on the floor laughing even if the person next to her was upset because Jim use the term 'getting laid' during the interview. Richard should just be happy that he didn't use 'fuck', 'screw', or 'bang'.

Considering the extremely high birthrate on New Vulcan right now, Jane is surprised anybody is still buying the 'Vulcans only have sex every seven years' thing. It's like the entire society is hopped up on Viagra 69. Spock's answers are just as funny but they usually involved a raised eyebrow AKA the Vulcan middle finger:

"Of course, I was with the captain during shore leave. It is the duty of the first officer to make sure their captain is not killed, kidnapped, or get into bar fights with a sentient being twice his size. It is easier to do this if I am actually with the captain during these times."

"Of course, I was at the captain's side during that particular diplomatic reception. It is the duty of the first officer to make sure the captain does not cause an intergalactic incident by using the wrong fork, accidentally become engaged to a dignitary's child, or swell like a balloon because he decided to sample the local cuisine, even after being told several times not to."

"In Vulcan culture it is taboo to ask someone about their relationship status. Considering everything my people have gone through in the last few years, I would hope you would respect this."

"Yes I have heard several of the rumors about the captain and myself. Despite significant scientific advancements in reproductive technology, it is still impossible for a human male to carry a fetus to term. Although certain 'male' Vulcans have the ability to become pregnant, the prerequisite events have not yet occurred."

She told Jim and Spock how funny some of their BS non-answers actually were when she found herself back on Enterprise a little more than three years after she left. She was there to cover some major diplomatic conference on Babel and Enterprise was her transport. The Starfleet press office thought it would be a good opportunity to show off their golden boys again and invited her along with a few other members of the press. Jane went along with it because she was able to get exclusive interviews with most of the Ambassadors being transported on Enterprise.

"I promise not to ask any relationship questions. If you give me one of those fake BS answers, I'm going to start cracking up on camera and everybody will know you're lying. Considering Spock's father will probably be watching the interview live, it just wouldn't be good for anyone." She said to Jim as they were preparing for the live transmission.

"First, my non-answers are not that funny. Second, Sarek already knows. I am every parent's dream future son in law," he said flashing her a smile.

"You're the ultimate catch as long as you're not trying to get with my daughters. Yes, your lines were funny. Let's see last time you said, 'Honestly, do you think I would be satisfied with getting laid only once every seven years?' Of course, this is after you mentioned the Vulcan version of the middle finger. That was too much."

"Actually, I got that from a friend but I adjusted the language to make it actually sound like something I would say. I'm glad you found it funny. Your husband did not, which is why we have diplomatic babysitting duty," he said with a frown. "Anyway, how are the kids?"

"They're driving their father absolutely crazy by being teenage girls. He can deal with thousands of cadets and certain Admirals I hate but not his own children. However, you already know that because you asked me that question when I got here. Speaking of the Admiralty, I need to talk to you about something important that I overheard the other day," She said trying to get serious.

"Has your husband figured out that you overhear a lot of stuff on purpose?"

"Not yet and I never print anything classified. A bunch of the admiral's, including the one I 'affectionately' refer to as Admiral KKK, who is an absolute ass, wants to assign Spock to the Mandela to prove once and for all how incompetent you are."

"You've got to be kidding." Jim said with a laugh.

"Unfortunately, no."

"They cannot separate us because our relationship is sanctioned by Starfleet." Jim said slightly annoyed.

"Not exactly," She said hesitantly, not wanting to tell him this. "You don't qualify for spouse assignments unless you are legally married by Federation standards. Unless you put a ring on it, Spock could be moved to the Mandela."

"Then I guess I have nothing to worry about." She saw this suspicious glimmer in Jim's eyes, but did not have time to ask any questions because they were going 'live' in five minutes and her assistant was busy fixing her makeup.

"This is Jane Que Public coming live or as live as possible when you are light years away, from the USS Enterprise for a special edition of Federation Today. We have a treat for you tonight. We are speaking with Captain James T. Kirk and his brilliant first officer Commander Spock. Gentlemen, thank you for being here today." She began easily slip into her public persona.

"It's a pleasure to be here Jane." Jim said as he winked at the camera.

"Let's get started. Would you mind telling us a few things about your latest mission here to Babel?" She said diving into the interview.

"Jane let me say how refreshing it is to have the interview start out with questions about the mission not my personal life." Okay now she was confused as to why Jim was mentioning this.

"As it's been pointed out to me a million times, I am not Barbara Sawyer. Who you love is none of my business."

"This one time I think it's OK if you ask." Jim actually winked at her as he spoke.

"Jim what are you doing?" She heard Spock ask just low enough so the microphone wouldn't pick it up.

"Coming out, if that is okay with you?" Spock's only response was a tiny nod at her to ask the question.

"Do you have anyone special in your life?" Jane dislikes asking people this question but did anyway.

"Yes. I guess it was 3 ½ years ago when I completely fell in love with the wrong individual at the worst possible time. That's okay because he loved me too." She actually heard a couple of gasps from a few of the crew members not in the know. It could not be the members of the Vulcan delegation watching in the wings because Vulcans do not gasp.

"So who is this special being? Why do you feel it's necessary for you to declare your feelings for him on a 'live' media stream that will probably be seen by billions of beings throughout the Federation?" She asked seriously wondering what was the point of this exercise. Who knew with Jim.

"The person I am in love with is my first officer." Again, she heard people gasping and a few "but I thought they hate each other" and "but I thought he was straight''. Honestly why could they not see this? Sarek sat on the side looking smug, for a Vulcan. The rest of the Vulcan delegation look scandalized because Jim was 'touching' Spock's hand.

"A little while ago an old friend of mine pointed out the inequities of Starfleet's policy on tandem assignments. I was already planning on asking later tonight, but I felt like killing two birds with one stone." She held her breath as she actually saw Jim turned to Spock.

"Don't expect me to get down on one knee. I've never been one for tradition."

"Or anything else involving regulations of any type." Spock said out loud.

"That's why you love me."

"Indeed," The Vulcan delegation was starting to show visible shock at that by Vulcan standards at this.

"I think I fell in love with you the moment you accuse me of cheating on the Kobayashi Maru. I've been falling more in love with you ever since. You are my best friend. You are the first individual I completely trusted to protect me and never leave me. I want to grow old with you. Will you stay with me forever?" Jim said as he pulled out the simple engagement ring.

"It is impossible for me to spend forever with you. I will not live for an indefinite amount of time even if I will outlive you." Spock response as illogical as ever.

"Okay let me rephrase the question. Will you spend the rest of my life with me?"

"It is possible that I may die before you due to some unforeseen accident."

"I'm trying to ask you to marry me here. Do you always have to be this…" Jim is stopped mid-sentence by Spock pounced on him and pulls him into a human kiss so powerful that Jim goes backwards and falls to the floor. Yet the two never break apart until almost minute later. Even she was shocked to see this very public display of affection. If it wasn't for Vulcan control, she was sure certain members of the Vulcan delegation would be unconscious.

"Is that a yes?" Jim asked as he panted for breath.

"That is a yes." The two started kissing again until she reminded the pair that this entire thing is being transmitted to the entire galaxy. They broke apart and continued on with the interview as if nothing happened except for the fact that Jim was completely disheveled and Spock's cheeks were green.

xxx

After the interview was over, she heard Lieutenant Commander Uhura notify Jim that Admiral Barnett was on the line.

"Why am I not surprised? Send it to my room." Jim said with a sigh.

"Actually Admiral Barnett would like to speak with his wife first." The Lieutenant Commander's words did not surprise her.

"So let me guess you saw?" She said as soon as she walked into the room alone to face her husband on the screen.

"Yes, all of us did except for Pike, who has a life. A certain Admiral that is looking for any excuse to get Jim out of Starfleet, has been calling me nonstop to schedule an emergency meeting of the Admiralty. Personally, I would love to know how Jim found out about the need to marry Spock now." He said glaring at her.

"He may or may not have found out about plans for the Mandela."

"Do I want to know how he found out?" Richard asked with a sigh.

"No. If you don't ask additional questions I will do the thing with the body paint after I get back the next time the girls are at sleepovers." She told him as a way to get out of his interrogation.

"Did you know he was planning on proposing on the broadcast?" He asked wisely changing the subject.

"Did you notice the shocked expression on my face as the interview was being hijacked?"

"Good point." Her husband said laughing at her.

"I can't believe that kiss.” She would mention that it was somewhat pornographic but that would give her husband palpitations. “Good luck with certain idiots that I absolutely hate. I love you and the girls. I'll be back as soon as the intergalactic version of UNGA is over."

xxx

Three weeks later, when she returned to earth she found herself on San Francisco week. She thought she was there to talk about the progress made at the Babel conference, instead she was there to talk about Jim Kirk's sex life. Let's just say a lot of people were shocked by Jim Kirk's coming out. Little girls were crying, allegedly.

"So what you're saying is Jim Kirk is now less of a hero because he 'allegedly' lied about himself for four years, despite everything he has done including literally saving the lives of practically everyone in this room, more than once? That's ludicrous." Jane said in anger after one of the other guests made some stupid comment.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. How can you be a hero to the people if you're lying to the people?" The infamous Barbara Sawyer replied.

"He didn't lie about something important that is actually relevant to Federation security. He did not even lie he just didn't give you an exclusive. Those that had a right to know knew about their relationship. Just because you are a public figure doesn't mean the entire Federation should know about your love life. Some thing should stay private." James spat out with annoyance.

"Public figures have a different responsibility. They owe it to the people to be completely honest." Her response to the ignorant comment was to roll her eyes before speaking.

"I believe in honesty when it's actually about a real issue. This is about the right to privacy. I am married to a public figure. Honestly, I don't want my sex life all over the net. What I do with my husband is private. I personally feel Jim Kirk has the same right to privacy as anyone else. Thanks to vultures like us, the only way he could have that privacy is keeping completely quiet about this. Who Jim Kirk sleeps with does not change his character. He still saved earth, more than once, and he's done a million different acts of heroism that you know nothing about. "

"Maybe that's why you're being so defensive. You're obviously not impartial because you are an Admiral's wife. You're being the good wife helping cover up your husband's mess." Barbara accused.

"I realize I'm not impartial and I'm not claiming to be. Unlike you, I actually know the two people in question beyond stereotypes and conjecture. I have known Jim since he was an infant. I've seen the caliber of his personality early on. You don't know anything about the true depth of his character. I've known Commander Spock for a long time as well. If you still believe that someone is less because of who they sleep with, you are in the wrong century. Maybe the real issue here is he was secretly dating a guy for three years. Do you have a problem with that?" She asked pointedly.

"I'm not saying that.” Barbara spluttered in a way that practically said she did have a problem with that. “I'm perfectly fine with him being gay. I'm saying we as the public have a right to know."

"No, we do not have a right to know! It's none of our business. If someone who is famous wants you to know who they are sleeping with, they will tell you. I came here to talk about the Babel conference and some of the very important issues going on in the Federation right now such as illegal slavery, sex trafficking, recovering after genocide, or terrorism prevention. Instead, we are here acting like teenagers talking about who's sleeping with who. This is ridiculous. We should've moved past this 200 years ago and yet here we are again." Jane said literally throwing her hands in the air.

"It's what the public wants to see. Celebrities owe us that much because we made them."

"Jim Kirk made himself.” Jane said with a bitter laugh. “All I am saying we have no right to put our celebrities in glass houses just so we can throw stones once we find out they are not who we think they are. Nobody is his or her public persona. That is why it's called a public persona. Go throw stones at your own glass house."

No one said anything else after that. Although, her old boss was quite pissed off when she found out that Jane actually was invited to the wedding of the century.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Only two more individuals to go to


	5. Nyota Uhura: Assumptions Make Fools of Us All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter.
> 
> Normally in a five and one story, the plus one is the very last chapter. Also traditionally in a K/S five and one story Spock is usually the plus one. However, this entire story is about not making assumptions. Spock is not the plus one. He's one of the five people who assumed Jim was straight. Of course, unlike everybody else he had a push in that direction. That story will be in the next chapter. The reason for that is I felt the story should end with Spock's perspective even if he is not the plus one.
> 
> Special thank you to my beta Teddy Bear for proofreading the original version.
> 
> I take full responsibility for any remaining/new mistakes or at the very least I will blame it on the voice recognition software that I must utilize to write the story.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to anyone who has way too much fun pointing out that Spock had no difficulty whatsoever leaving Nyota to help with the new colony, but returned for Jim and that epic "friendship".  
> New dedication May 2013: The story is also dedicated to anybody who has way too much fun pointing out that for all intents and purposes the new film is essentially a Jim and Spock love story that doesn't seem that platonic.

Nyota Uhura has learned over the years that Jim Kirk is never the person you assume him to be. Over the course of his life, he has become an expert at playing into people's misconceptions about him. He has become an expert at keeping up a façade. If you think you know Jim Kirk, then you really don't.

 

When Nyota first met Jim she assumed he was an uneducated local that never left the planet before. She completely forgot about him being born in the neutral zone. Later, she would find out that he lived off planet for a few years. Once they were actually friends, she discovered that planet was Tarsus IV during the massacre.

 

For someone who never went to college before attending the academy, Jim was surprisingly well read. She is now aware that Jim was quite familiar with classic earth literature and philosophy for multiple time periods, as well as, the literature of several other planets. Jim could quote from the works of Baldwin, Camus, Nietzsche, Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, Confucius and Surak with ease. Although Jim did say that you have to be stoned to understand Camus's The Rebel completely.

 

She discovered Jim loved to read and was familiar with everything from Shakespeare love sonnets to 20th century postcolonial literature. His personal PADD had everything on it from translations of pre reform Vulcan love poems to the play A Raisin In The Sun and the poem that inspired the play's name Harlem. There was a lot of Langston Hughes and Walt Whitman on Jim's personal PADD.

 

Also like a certain now ex boyfriend of hers, Jim liked to read science journals for fun. More importantly, he understood them. That made Spock happy because he finally had someone to talk about that fascinating article in The Federation Journal of the Physical Sciences he read last week.

 

Nyota originally thought Jim was a complete idiot who did not have the intellectual capacity to understand anything beyond an episode of Sesame Street. Considering most of the stupid things he does on a daily basis, it's shocking to realize that Jim has a 173 IQ. Jim Kirk managed a 4.00 GPA at the academy, even though he was taking a suicide schedule so he could graduate a year early.

 

Jim was probably the only person beside Spock that could understand half of the theories that his chief engineer came up with. Then again, Jim could come up with some crazy things all on his own.

 

You can hand Jim a report on whatever planet they were visiting and he will remember everything verbatim a month later. His memory was just that good.

 

She originally thought Jim was completely reckless with a death wish. It seems like 99% of the time he looks without leaping. The truth is because his mind is so dynamic Jim can come up with solutions to problems that no one else could think of very fast. Sometimes Jim's bravery comes out as impulsiveness or recklessness. Sometimes putting up a front for your crew comes out like arrogance. After serving with Jim for years, she knows that he would never do anything to endanger the life of his crew.

 

Nyota used to think that the only reason why Jim was at the academy was because his daddy died saving 800 people. That thought went right out the window the day that Jim saved earth. Every time Jim pulled off some crazy plan to save the ship or the crew members lives it proves to her and everyone else that he has truly earned his position.

 

Now that Nyota really knows him, she knows Jim hated being seen as just George Kirk's son. He hated living in the shadow of a dead man. He hated everyone expecting him to be George Kirk. If you really want to piss Jim off just say that he's exactly like his father or that his father was superior because he did something differently.

 

She knew better than anyone that Jim Kirk was his own person and not a George Kirk clone. Jim Kirk made himself. George Kirk did not influence Jim, because he was not around. Pike had more of a lasting impact on the development of Jim's character then George Kirk. For that matter, Admiral Barnett's wife had a more lasting impact on the person that Jim Kirk became simply because she was around and actually cared.

 

Maybe it was because Nyota came across the happy shots of a mother and son together from the tabloids multiple times, she thought Jim had a relatively happy family life, all things considered. In reality, she finally found a person who can compete with her for whose family is the most screwed up. The first sign was no one from Jim's family showed up to his commendation ceremony when he received captaincy of the Enterprise.

 

When she found out that Jim knew Jane since he was a baby, it only took her 20 minutes to figure out that he was the child that was let down by the Iowa child welfare system and was victimized by an abusive stepfather that almost killed him. Jim was child X. She could relate. This obviously contradicted the sanitized for consumption stories Jim usually told about his childhood.

 

Early on in the mission, when she and Spock were still going through the motions of a relationship, Jim would come over to borrow her hard copy books all the time. It was obvious that he appreciated old things but his room was unbelievably sparse. Even Spock had a few images of his mother and artifacts from Vulcan scattered throughout his personal space. Jim did not even have a photograph of his mother anywhere. About four months in to the mission, she finally asked him about it.

 

"You have been captain for four months and it looks like you just got your room an hour ago. I know you like my collection of classic poetry books. You're always borrowing my hardcopy books. I'm surprise you don't have any hard copy books yourself or other things like that." She asked him one day after shift.

 

"I've never been a pack rat. At some point, I got into the habit of making sure everything I owned could fit in a backpack. I would love to have a classic book collection but I've never had anywhere to put them. You need a home to collect things. I never had one." After that conversation, she realized how great he has become at keeping up appearances.

 

Based solely on first impressions; she assumed Jim was an arrogant, self-righteous, prick that only cared about himself, which he wasn't. She has never met another person who is more self-sacrificing in her entire life. He would probably give his life for anybody who worked under him even if it was supposed to be the other way around. He saved her life more than once. He saved her career once after she did something really stupid.

 

He had no problem whatsoever giving credit to other people on his team unlike some captain's that love to be in the spotlight. Jim actually dislikes the press and finds being a poster boy uncomfortable.

 

Originally she thought he was an arrogant asshole because he didn't believe there was no situation that he couldn't get out of. Then she found out about Tarsus and his truly dysfunctional childhood. Nyota came to the conclusion that if he believed in no win scenarios he would be dead right now. If Jim believed in no win scenarios there probably wouldn't be an Earth currently. If Jim believed in no win scenarios, she could name dozens of crewmembers that would probably be dead presently, including herself. Sometimes hope is the only thing that can get you through a situation. Hope seemed to be something Jim has a lot of.

 

The first time she met Jim, she thought she would hate him for the rest of her life. Like pretty much everything else involving Jim Kirk, that assumption also proved to be false. She had no idea how it happened but at some point, they became friends. Considering some of the things, that had happened, that almost seemed miraculous. He did technically steal her boyfriend. That alone should have killed any possibility of a friendship, but it did not. Jim Kirk was an expert at pulling off the miraculous.

 

Not everything she assumed about Jim Kirk was completely wrong. There were a few times where she was almost right. She never really thought that Jim was the ultimate 'skirt chaser' or even a slut. She always felt that his actions were covering up some deep-seated insecurities. She always thought that sex was some sort of coping mechanism for him. Once she really knew him, she became aware that she was closer to the truth then she realized.

 

Unlike most people, she never believed Jim Kirk was straight. The first time she met him she just knew. First, he was trying too hard. The hyper heterosexual act was a dead giveaway. There was just too much bravado for it to actually be real. He was obviously covering something. Also, 20 minutes before Jim tried to get into her pants he made a pass at her very gay and proud of it friend Shawn. Shawn was a grad student that was about five years older than her but started at the academy after college. He graduated two years before she did. Shawn was also the president of the Academy's organization for LGBTP students at the time and later went on to be the chairperson for GLSF.

 

That day she said no to Jim on principle mostly because she could never date a guy who tried to sleep with both her and Shawn on the same night. He was also just a little too aggressive for her taste, although she wasn't expecting him to actually get in a fight.

 

Unlike the rest of the world, she has always known that Jim Kirk was not straight. She just wasn't sure if he was gay, bi, pan, or on the down low but she knew Jim was not heterosexual. Even back then, she was beginning to realize that Jim couldn't be confined to a single stereotype.

 

Even after Nyota saw him making out with various female classmates on the quad, she was still positive he was not a happy heterosexual. Actually, the fact that he never stayed with one of these girls, for more than a day or two actually reinforced her assumption that he really wasn't that in to women.

 

Then there was the fact that she kept seeing him hang out with the same guys all the time. She was probably the only person who picked up on the couple like behavior. Most guys don't touch their friend's hands or shoulders like that in public, unless they were more than friends. They definitely would not be asking for back rubs in public even in jest.

 

She was still positive that he was either a closet case or on the down low, even after he constantly hit on her repeatedly whenever possible. To be honest, after the first month, she is pretty sure he wasn't trying to actually sleep with her anymore. He would make a pass at her, she would insult him. It was fun. If he really wanted her first name, he would have discovered it in minutes with his computer skills. It was quickly becoming her favorite game to play because surprisingly enough Jim could keep up with her intellectually. Unlike the other guys who tried to get into her pants, he actually valued her intelligence. It was a nice change.

 

Because she was friends with Shawn, he would drag her to Purple Hills all the time. Jim Kirk was a constant fixture at the historically LGBTP club. Let's just say on more than one occasion she saw Jim making out with one of the Male club patrons or sneaking out of the restroom in a post orgasm haze.

 

Then there was the fact that Jim actually dated Shawn. Dating maybe the wrong word to describe that particular 'relationship'. They slept together occasionally for most of Jim's first year at the academy. It never really went beyond the casual sex phase. She will never forget the conversation she had with Shawn before he left the academy.

 

"Jim doesn't trust me. That does not make for a happy long-term relationship." Shawn said to her as he was packing up his dorm room.

 

"Shouldn't it be the other way around? He's the one sleeping with half the academy." She said rolling her eyes.

 

"That does not matter when your relationship is not exclusive. I don't want our relationship to be exclusive because I know he doesn't trust me."  Shawn said sadly. "He doesn't trust me enough to let me see beyond the façade. Jim Kirk lets you see only the person he wants you to see. I think the only person Jim doesn't keep at arm's length is his roommate. It's like he's afraid I'm going to hurt him. I can't be with someone like that."

 

"You mean the hypo heterosexual act."

 

"It is more than that. Besides I don't think it's really an act, I think it's a defense mechanism. I just don't know what he's so afraid of and he will not tell me."

 

Three Years later, in a very private conversation she would discover half of the answer to that unasked question. Jim's asshole stepfather decided to use the fact that Jim liked guys as another reason to beat the hell out of him.

xxx

The thing that surprised her the most about Jim Kirk was that it seemed like almost everyone else fell for the act. Why couldn't people see that Jim Kirk wasn't his public persona? Why did everybody fall for the hyper heterosexual act? It seemed like the only people who did know Jim Kirk was not heterosexual were his good friends like Dr. McCoy, his ex boyfriends (and she uses the term loosely), and her. Even in the 23rd century, people still had certain preconceptions about masculinity and sexuality.

 

The girls that Jim 'dated', had no idea he played for both teams even if they were well aware of his 'popularity'. The guys that idolized/hated him for supposedly being the biggest player among women on campus were completely clueless that he was also a player among men. The rumor mill was extremely inaccurate when it came to Jim Kirk's love life.

 

There were no mentions of the many hookups at Purple Hills or the time Jim almost started a riot at the club. There was no mention whatsoever of any activity that Jim Kirk engaged in what would counter the heterosexual assumption. For example, the rumor about the dignitary's daughter that Jim screwed during his first year at the academy did not mention her unique anatomy.

 

Instead, the rumor mill focused only on completely false rumors like the one about Jim sleeping with Admiral Barnett's wife. That rumor was especially disturbing considering Jane treats Jim like her own child. Jane actually had pictures of her changing Jim's diaper. Jim was an adorable baby.

 

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, for some reason everybody still believed Jim is straight until the truth hits him or her upside the head. Gaila was the perfect example. Her roommate did sleep around a lot. It wasn't her fault because it was just part of her biology and culture. She liked Gaila. She became a good friend once Shawn was light years away serving on the USS Reagan.

 

She was just uncomfortable with the fact that Gaila kept bringing her 'boyfriends', back to the room. You can only walk in on somebody having sex so many times before you cannot take it anymore. The final straw came during the final semester of her last year at the academy. Nyota woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of Gaila receiving oral sex from her hookup of the evening. That was not a visual she needed to see ever. That was when she decided to make their dorm room of sex free zone.

 

She personally had no problem doing that, because even though she had a boyfriend at the time she was not getting any. Back then, she thought she and Spock were taking things slow because he was Vulcan and because she was under the impression he was a virgin. Really, it was her fault for thinking that the statement, "I have never engaged in sexual intercourse with a woman before," meant that Spock never engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone.

 

She had no idea that her then relatively new boyfriend just got out of a long-term relationship with Captain Pike. She was completely ignorant to the fact that he was not heterosexual. It wasn't like she ran into Spock at Purple Hills or at meetings for the organization that Shawn was the president of back at the academy.

 

Let's just say due to various circumstances she was extremely 'frustrated' when she walked in on Gaila with a boxer clad Jim Kirk hiding under her bed. She was already in a bad mood that day because the professor overseeing the long-range sensor lab did not even feel like taking the time to listen to her report about the transmission she intercepted from a Klingon prison planet. (That particular individual was no longer with Starfleet and was probably having difficulties geting a job at McDonald's after that blunder.) She was also already in a bad mood because her so-called boyfriend canceled their afternoon plans so he could fine-tune his precious test. So of course, she snapped when she saw Jim under Gaila's bed and had him out the door before they could completely begin their regular battle of mental wits.

 

In retrospect, some of the anger may have been triggered by worry for Gaila. Jim Kirk's usual habit of sleeping around with practically everyone calmed down after his first year but maybe that's what worried her. She stopped seeing him fooling around with a different girl almost every other day on the quad or at Serenity the other more traditional club that both she and Jim frequent. Jim didn't flirt with the female cadets as much. Actually, she was the only woman on campus that he really flirted with. Most people just assumed that the Jane Barnett rumor was more serious than anybody thought.

 

She personally believed that Jim was finally embracing the fact that he was gay. She still saw him at Purple Hills making out with various guys from multiple planets. The Only difference now was he would be with the same guy for a few months at a time.

 

Because she has only seen Jim with guys recently before the bedroom incident she was a little worried about why he was sleeping with her friend. It was obvious to her that he was using Gaila. At the time, she thought it was to prove, to himself that he was still in to girls. It turns out he was using Gaila to beat the ultimate unwinnable test.

 

No one wants to see Gaila hurt or angry. Half of the furniture in their room was broken by the time Nyota arrived back at the dorms after listening to the guy she thought was her boyfriend lose his Vulcan cool over the arrogant cadet that 'cheated' on his precious test. Apparently, Jim Kirk has a knack for bringing out strong emotions.

 

"Why are you destroying our room?" Nyota said just as she saw her roommate throw a shoe across the room so hard that it dented the wall.

 

"That fucking asshole used me. I should've known better." Gaila said as she threw another shoe that broke a light fixture.

 

"Which asshole are you talking about? No one is worth this much destruction." She said as she tried to avoid more flying footwear.

 

"The one you kicked out of here yesterday. Too bad you didn't bang his head on the bed when you threw him out of the room. That would've been satisfying. I should've known he was just using me. What was I thinking when I decided to help him?" Gaila mumbled under her breath as she looked for something else to throw or tear apart.

 

"What are you talking about?" Nyota asked in fake confusion. She was almost positive Gaila just figured out the real reason why Jim was sleeping with her.

 

"Jim was only sleeping with me so I would help him insert a subroutine into the Kobayashi Maru. Of course, I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time. I should've known he was using me. It was so obvious that he's gay." Gaila said trying to break another piece of furniture.

 

"Put that down." She said grabbing the chair out of Gaila's hands. "I'm not losing our security deposit because you are angry because Jim Kirk is a prick. Are you saying that Jim Kirk is gay as an insult or are you actually aware of his real sexual preferences?"

 

"I'm saying that he'd rather sleep with guys than me, even with the pheromones." Gaila said throwing a pillow at the wall. "Yesterday, it was obvious he really was not that into it. He was not even that hard. Most guys would have had me naked by the time you walked in. Usually when I tell a guy that I love him, there ripping off my panties as they repeat the words to me. Do you know what Jim said?" Gaila asked in anger she was looking for something else to throw.

 

"I don't know what he said, but it's not worth destroying an entire apartment for unless it's his apartment. No guy is worth getting this angry about." Nyota said trying to calm her down.

 

"'That's weird'. That's what the dick said yesterday. 'That's weird.' I should've known right then and there he was gay. I knew something was off but didn't think it was that." It was at this moment Nyota seriously wished she stayed with Spock as he continued to yell (in a very Vulcan way) about the upstart cadet that cheated on his test.

 

"Why are people so surprise when they finally figure out Jim Kirk is not straight?" Nyota mumbled under her breath as she grabbed another object out of her roommate's hand.

 

"You knew? He was flirting with you like crazy yesterday." Gaila said falling down on her bed in exhaustion.

 

"It's our thing. He hasn't been trying to seriously sleep with me since about a month after he started school hear. Considering some of the things I have seen him reading in the quad, he probably was interested in the actual transmission that I picked up yesterday. He was the only one. I've known that he's gay or at least not straight since the moment I met him. He just acted too straight. Maybe he is bisexual and really did like you." She said sitting next to her roommate on the bed.

 

"Like that is supposed to make me feel better. You and I both know he only had sex with me so I would help him. I ran away so I wouldn't be used like this again." Gaila said finally as the anger gave way to tears. She couldn't understand Gaila's reaction that day until eight months later when she found herself betrayed by a guy that was supposed to love her. Too bad Gaila was not around to say 'I told you so'.

 

Again she was not that surprised when Jim Kirk developed a crush on her 'boyfriend'. Let's just say she came across the security footage of the infamous kiss in the transporter room with a close-up of Jim's absolutely shocked expression. Everyone else except probably Dr. McCoy thought that Jim was upset because Spock was making out with the girl he's been enamored with for three years. It was true he was jealous, but of her not Spock. (To bad at the time she didn't realize how uncomfortable Spock was when they were kissing.)

 

Over the next few months, she picked up on other things that told Nyota that her Captain was attracted to her 'boyfriend'. Other than the infamous back rub incident that occurred just a few weeks before things finally came to a head there were less blatant signs. First, Jim was always touching Spock's hands. She can instantly recognize the 'sneaking in a quick Vulcan kiss while handing over a PADD' trick. She invented that trick. There were lingering glances and secret looks between Jim and Spock. There were hundreds of insider conversations that took place on the bridge. Right before it fell apart, Jim was practically finishing Spock's sentences. It was as if they were of one mind some times.

 

Even though she was probably the only one who knew of Jim's attraction to Spock, she told herself there's no reason to worry. First, her boyfriend was straight or at least that's what she thought at the time. She assumed this because, one he never mentioned any other significant others. He specifically told her she was his only girl friend besides his former fiancée, (of course, Spock forgot to mention that was to be an arranged marriage and the only time they met was when he was seven.) She never saw Spock at Purple Hills or any other hang out that Shawn used to drag her to. It wasn't like she saw Spock holding hands with his boyfriend on the campus green.

 

How was she supposed to know that his ex-boyfriend was her closet case almost commanding officer and now Admiral, Christopher Pike? Spock and Pike must have had the most secret relationship in Starfleet history because she did not see that coming at all. She was convinced along with most of Starfleet that Pike was secretly dating Number One, his former first officer who was one of the captains that died the day Vulcan did.

 

She really didn't know otherwise until she accidentally overheard a conversation between her captain and Jane Barnett the day after the back rub incident. Even though Jane was 100% convinced Jim was straight, she was also convinced that Jim was in love with Spock.

 

It wasn't Nyota's fault that most modern starships have microphones everywhere, to run the various functions controlled by voice. It was not her fault that she accidentally turned into that particular conversation.

 

She almost fell out of her chair when she heard that Pike was gay. She did fall out of her chair when Jim confessed that he was in love with Spock and worried about her reaction.

 

She will admit that she was surprised it was love. After what happened with Shawn, she was convinced that Jim Kirk just couldn't do love or relationships. Jim was just too damaged to fall in love.

 

That was the other reason why she was not originally worried about Jim's infatuation with Spock. She was sure it wouldn't go anywhere even if her boyfriend happened to be bisexual, despite having no evidence that was a possibility. She was convinced that Spock didn't do casual or one night stands. At that point, she and Spock were dating for almost a year and had not yet engaged in sexual intercourse. (Because she didn't know about the ex-boyfriend, she was still operating under the assumption that her boyfriend was a virgin.)

 

She knew that Spock was more interested in emotional relationships than physical ones and therefore Jim didn't stand a chance. She did not believe this because she thought he was a ladies' man or a slut like everyone else. She believed that Jim was not capable of an emotional relationship because he was still too afraid to let people in.

 

She became really worried once she became aware that Jim was starting to let people in a little. Jim started to fence with Sulu, play virtual 'training' games with Chekov, and spent hours on end with Scotty in engineering doing who knows what to the ship. Jim even started taking part in ship activities such as movie night.

 

However, the person Jim let in the most was Spock. They were always together to the point that during the last few months of her relationship with Spock, he was always canceling their date nights to spend time with Jim. They were both using the excuse that they were trying to foster a better working relationship. She knew better now. How much chess can two people play?

 

Even though she was sure Jim was flirting with her boyfriend on a daily basis, Jim was letting her in too. She and Jim talk poetry and literature. He would always borrow her antique hard copy of Great Poets of the 20th Century. Her favorite era was the American Harlem Renaissance of the 20th century. Surprisingly enough, Jim was well acquainted with a lot of the writers from that time period.

 

Jim was probably more familiar with the collective works of Langston Hughes than she was. Apparently, it was Jane that introduced him to the poem Mother to Son when he was 11. (Of course, Nyota would not know for a few more weeks that Jane read the poem to Jim when he was in the hospital after his stepfather practically killed him.)

 

She and Jim even spent some time together during their first shore leave when Spock refused to actually come down to the planet. So she may have purposely taken Jim to a known LGBTP club for the sole purpose of finding Jim a 'boyfriend' so he would stop looking at Spock's ass during shift. It was a good idea at the time. It was more productive than actually being angry and she was tired of glaring all the time during shift.

 

"Why did you take me to this club? You do realize this is a gay club?" She almost laughed when he asked her that question.

 

"I believe the culturally acceptable term is now LGBTP establishment. Of course, I brought you here. You will be a much happier captain if you get laid. I know you're gay, Jim." Of course, in her mind she was telling herself she will be a lot happier if Jim wasn't hitting on her boyfriend. A nice shore leave lay for Jim would be the first step in getting him interested in someone other than her boyfriend.

 

"I prefer pansexual or possibly xeno-sexual. You actually know I'm not straight?" Jim asked in pure shock.

 

"Yes. How many times did we run into each other at Purple Hills? I'm not that sure about the pan thing. When was the last time you slept with somebody of the female persuasion other than my now deceased roommate?" Nyota asked rolling her eyes.

 

"A year and a half, but that's not the point. I've always known you were observant."

 

"It helped that you 'dated' my friend Shawn during your first year at the academy."

 

"I remember him. He was hot. How long have you known? You always seemed so serious when I was flirting with you." She was tempted to laugh at his question.

 

"The flirting stopped being real a month into our acquaintance and you know it. I've known since you first tried to find out what my first name was."

 

"Yet you have not spread this all over the ship?" Jim asked slightly puzzle.

 

"It's none of our business who you're with. If you wanted people to know, they would know. It's completely your choice. Not that I understand why you don't want people to know. It's not like we're under the arcane 'don't ask, don't tell' policy of the 20th and 21st century earth. I know you don't want anyone else to know so I didn't say anything. I also brought you to a club that no one else on the ship even knows about. You get to find a playmate for the night and I get to dance at a club where I will not have to deal with my ass being pinched or putting up with ridiculous pickup lines." Nyota told him keeping the real reason to herself.

 

"You forgot about all the pan and bi guys here or the beautiful ladies that will probably buy you a drink once we step inside," He joked.

 

"I have you here to protect me." She said finally dragging him inside the club. Looking back at it now, she should've realized that Jim was completely in love with Spock because he did not go home with a single individual there or did anything else when actually at the club. She also should have realized that Spock was in love with her boyfriend because he didn't even raise an eyebrow when she told him that she was going to a club with Jim alone. (Of course, she didn't tell Spock the type of club she and Jim went to.)

 

Unfortunately, her shore leave adventures with Jim may not have raised Spock's eyebrows but everyone else on the ship was interested. According to the rumor mill, she and Jim were having some torrid love affair behind Spock's back. She is personally surprised no one started a threesome rumor.

 

The only people who did not believe that particular rumor were Spock and Dr. McCoy. These are the only people besides her who were close enough to Jim to see through the player persona. Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov still believed Jim was straight. It wasn't their fault, because Jim reinforced their assumption by flirting with random girls of the crew and making a pass at every single female diplomat that stepped foot on their ship. This was probably what led to Chekov trying to confirm that rumor involving Admiral Barnett's wife.

 

Even Spock was still under the misconception that Jim was straight. Maybe that was her fault because she was specifically reinforcing that assumption. She made a point of telling Spock stories about the many times Jim hit on her or his time with Gaila. Of course, she did not tell him about Gaila's freak out when she figured out the truth or about Jim 'dating' her friend Shawn. She also left out any references to all those times Jim hit on her at Purple Hills.

 

She now realized that she was scared and she had a good reason to be. As she watched Jim and Spock's relationship become stronger, Spock and she were falling apart.

 

Their relationship was never very strong. Spock was never really honest with her. He never told her about Pike or anyone else. He let her believe that his relationship with his former fiancée was something real and not a politically motivated sham of a relationship.

 

He was never one to share his feelings with her. Spock didn't cry once when his mom died. She would blame it on his heritage if it wasn't for the fact that Spock does share his feelings with Jim.

 

Spock never told her that he felt uncomfortable with her display of emotion at his mother's funeral. He never told her that touching him while she was experiencing extreme emotions was detrimental to his mental well-being. Was it her fault that she was at Gaila's Service the hour before and she was not emotionally ready for another funeral? (Nyota would later find out that Jim was secretly at both memorial services.)

 

Spock also completely neglected to tell her that public display of affection such is kissing in the transporter room was a major cultural taboo for him. She discovered that particular piece of information when she was going over the briefing materials for a mission involving the Vulcan colony.

 

However, the biggest sign that her relationship with Spock was completely fucked up was the fact that Spock had no trouble whatsoever leaving her behind to help with the new Vulcan colony. He didn't even discuss his decision with her. The first time she knew anything about it was when he told her his decision the evening after his mom's memorial service. The Admiralty knew before she did.

 

She now knows that Spock came back for Jim. Someone, who will remain nameless for security reasons, convinced Spock that someday he would have this great relationship with Jim that would be crucial to everything. He came back for Jim, but she wasn't worth staying for.

 

If Spock came to her and told her that their relationship wasn't working she would have been upset but she would've gotten over it after an hour of venting and maybe some ice cream. She was not blind. She knew things were falling apart she just didn't want to be alone.

 

Instead of making a clean break, Spock lied to her. He actually told her that he wanted to end their relationship so he may take a proper Vulcan partner to help rebuild the population at some later date as it was his duty to his people.

 

So of course, she was going to be beyond angry when she walked in on Spock sticking his tongue down Jim's throat only a few weeks later. She really doesn't remember what happened but according to the security footage she tried to punch Spock and Jim's face got in the way. He was black and blue for the next three days because Dr. McCoy refused to fix the damage, as retaliation for Jim and Spock giving him nightmares. She really does not want to know what they did to give the good doctor nightmares.

 

"I can't believe you lied to me." She said as soon as Jim left the room so that she and Spock could talk. "You could have told me you were falling in love with your best friend. Instead you tell me some absolute lie about leaving me, so you could help rebuild the population." She was practically shaking when she said this.

 

"I did not want to hurt your feelings. I was under the impression that human emotions are hurt quite easily." She didn't know whether to scream or cry at that.

 

"You actually thought lying to me would make me feel better? I already knew something was going on. You could have told me that you realized you were gay. I would have been OK with it. I told you all about my best friend Shawn from the academy. I've always been an ally," She said taking a deep breath to calm herself.

 

"My preference for men is not new." She has since seen the security footage of this incident, before Jim destroyed it. Her shocked expression looked like something out of a cartoon.

 

"What? You said that I was the first relationship you ever had, except for your ex fiancé." She asked him as she tried to control the anger in her voice.

 

"I said you were my first girlfriend. You were not my first significant relationship. T'Pring does not count because it was an arranged marriage." Spock explained without emotion or inflection.

 

"You fucking lied to me!"

 

"Vulcan's do not lie."

 

"Yes, but you're half human. Humans lie all the time, especially to their selves. Lies of omission are still lies. Why were you even with me?" She asked him desperate to keep herself from crying.

 

"You're an intelligent young woman and extremely aesthetically pleasing." Spock couldn’t even look at her as he spoke.

 

"Now tell me the real reason!" Nyota demanded.

 

"After being in a relationship for so long I was not used to being alone. I was also somewhat uncomfortable serving with my former boyfriend who was also on Enterprise. Such feelings are abnormal for a Vulcan, but as you have pointed out already I am half human." Spock told her using his version of sarcasm.

 

"So essentially you just used me for the last year so you wouldn't feel lonely? Fuck you. Just go to your boyfriend before I do something else that can probably get me court-martialled. I can't deal with you right now." With that, Spock was gone and she was left at the scene of the crime alone.

Once he left, she allowed the tears to start falling.  She didn't even have the emotional energy to go back to her quarters or even leave the conference room. At that moment, she just realized that she would probably be getting court-martialled for hitting her captain.

 

If Gaila were still around, she would probably be telling her 'I told you so,' right at that moment. She would also suggest ice cream and a crying session as they would talk about why men were complete idiots. Unfortunately, her friend was not here anymore. She needed to talk to somebody. She could only think of one person who would understand. She was probably already getting court-martialled for punching out her boss; she might as well add making unauthorized calls to the charges.

 

"Not that it isn't nice to see your face, but why are you calling? Also. why are you crying? I thought you and Spock already broke up and you were not even crying then?" Shawn was always good on picking up on her moods.

 

"Guess what? My boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend is gay. I walked in on him sticking his tongue down the other guy's throat. Wait, why are you not surprised?" She asked looking at his lack of expression.

 

"I kind of already knew," he said softly.

 

"How?" What Nyota really want to ask was, ‘Why the fuck did you not tell me?’

 

"There's the fact that you two have been dating for over a year and have not had sex yet. Thanks to the repopulation efforts on new Vulcan, we all know the every seven years thing is a myth." That should have been the first sign that something wasn't quite right. Too bad, she didn't pick up on it.

 

"Then there's the fact that he broke up with you to have Vulcan babies with some unknown person at an unspecified later date. He also said partner and not wife. That was an obvious excuse and you know it. Can an individual who is a human Vulcan hybrid even get someone pregnant the old fashioned way?" Why did her friend have to be so logical and raise such a valid point?

 

"Good point. Now moving on before you can pour more salt in that wound. What are your other obvious reasons that I missed that pointed to the fact that Spock was more likely to date you then me?" Nyota asked flippantly

"There is the fact that every time you tried to kiss your boyfriend in public he would run away, except for the time he thought he was going to die. Spock doesn't like you touching him. You told me yourself he enjoyed spending time with you. He enjoyed listening to music with you. He enjoyed discussing opera and Vulcan poetry with you. Spock has always treated you like a friend and not a lover. You know I'm right." In hindsight, she knows that's true.

 

"I just thought we were going slowly because I was his first girlfriend and he's Vulcan. You know the thing about Vulcans not lying? It's completely untrue." Nyota said with a snicker,

 

"That brings me to the next reason. According to the other rumor mill you're now ex used to date a closeted member of the Admiralty before he actually became an admiral." Due to another conversation she overheard recently, she knew exactly who that admiral was. At least she now knows why Jane pushed so hard for Jim to call Pike.

 

"Pike dated my boyfriend? That explains why he used me as the rebound girl. I don't think I could be my ex-boyfriend's first officer without having a significant other to rub in his face. At least, I got my heart broken for a good cause." She said sarcastically.

 

"I'm sorry. I have to be on shift in five minutes. Are you going to be okay?"

 

"I will be as soon as I break into my emergency chocolate supply and find some good brokenhearted poetry to read." She told him with a forced smile.

 

"Hey since you and Spock are done for good, can I have his e-mail address?" Shawn’s words just made her laugh.

 

"You do remember I found out that my boyfriend was gay because I've found him kissing another guy?" She asked poignantly.

 

"Your point is?"

 

"The new guy is his new boyfriend and my captain." Nyota told him in all seriousness.

 

"I think you're going to need something stronger than chocolate." Shawn said as his face fell.

 

"I think you're right."

Xxxx

 

After the call to Shawn, she felt less like breaking things. However, she was still concerned about what would happen to her career. The person who held all the answers showed up at her quarters at 6:00 AM the next morning with bruises and other marks that were obviously caused by Spock. On the bright side she now knows the real reason why she and Spock never had sex.

 

"What brings you to my quarters this early in the morning? You are usually not the type of person to gloat. You even offered Nero mercy. So I seriously doubt you're here to rub it in my face. Shouldn't you be off in a corner filling up my ex boyfriend or at the very least getting that eye checked out? I assumed you would have McCoy look at that eye last night before you and Spock broke your bed. " She said stifling back one lone tear of frustration.

 

"We were. I mean I had Bones check out my eye or at least tried to last night. Keeping the black eye is my punishment for giving him nightmares apparently. He kind of kicked me out because Spock and I… Actually, never mind what Spock and I were doing." Jim said covering quickly.

 

"You started making out didn't you?” She asked with a roll of her eyes.

 

"I'm trying to be nice and not point out the obvious fact that I stole your boyfriend." Jim said actually sounding sheepish.

 

"There's no point in avoiding that particular elephant. Jim, I'm fine."

 

"As a certain person we know says way too often, fine can mean many different things. You decked your ex-boyfriend, or rather tried to and hit me instead. I seriously doubt you are fine by any definition of the term. Although, the fire alarms didn't go off when you tried to burn Spock's things so I guess that's a good sign." He said as a joke.

 

"I did no such thing. I'm not that upset. My relationship with Spock has been falling apart for a while, if it ever existed in the first place. I knew you had feelings for him and it was true love. It's very obvious by just the way you look at him sometimes. It's like you believe he's the only person in the universe. I'm just happy you're finally letting someone in."

 

"So am I."

 

"I'm just a little upset that he lied about why he broke up with me." She was also a little upset about the reason he dated her in the first place since it was obvious she was missing something that Spock preferred in a lover, like a dick.

 

"You're not upset that I stole your boyfriend?" Jim asked her with genuine concern.

 

"You can't take something from me that I never had." She said with a bitter laugh before becoming serious. "So what's my punishment for yesterday? I'm surprised I have not received an official inquiry yet regarding what happened."

 

"That's because I never reported it."

 

"What?" She asked in open mouth shock.

 

"You got upset. You had a perfectly natural reaction given the circumstances. There's no point in you losing your position over it." Jim said nonchalantly.

 

"I hit my commanding officer."

 

"You hit the guy who stole your boyfriend. Since I am your commanding officer, what I say goes."

 

"So I will be getting off without punishment?"

 

"No, you'll still be punished. Pike taught me a thing or two about creative punishments that work." He said with a smirk.

 

"I think I'll take the court martial." Nyota said darkly.

 

"That wouldn't solve the problem. You'll be seeing our brand new ships psychologist twice a week, for at least the next six months to work on some of your anger issues and your 'my captain is a dick for stealing my boyfriend' issues," He actually said this smiling at her.

 

"That's fair. Although, I think my reaction was better than Gaila's to when she figured out why you said 'That's weird' you know when. I didn't cause any major property damage. Gaila completely destroy the room and I got stuck with losing the security deposit." Gaila, promised she would clean it all up but she never got a chance to. Nyota destroyed the rest of the room when she got back to earth.

 

"I am sorry." She wasn't really sure what he was apologizing for. "So I guess our weekly discussions about poetry and literature are not going to happen anymore."

 

“I want to keep doing that, eventually; just give me some time." She told him with a sad smile.

xxxx

Therapy was a good thing. She had a lot of issues to work through beyond the Spock problem. She was over that well before the original six months were up. It was all the other baggage that she was currently working with in therapy now three years later. She forgave Spock eventually, although there was some very logical groveling involved.

 

She never forgave Jim, because she felt like he did nothing wrong. There was just nothing to forgive. Eventually they resumed their literature and poetry discussions. Eventually he trusted her enough to tell her about Tarsus and his stepfather. He dragged her to clubs on shore leave in hopes of finding her a partner for shore leave 'fun' when Spock is too busy doing something scientific on the ship. (Sometimes she thinks Jim does this just so she can be his cover. Let's just say a certain rumor never went away.)

 

She was not surprised when Jim proposed to Spock. She was not even that surprised that he did it during a live interview. After knowing Jim Kirk for seven years she has learned to never assume anything.

 

What does surprise her is Jim forces her to help him find the perfect ring during an unscheduled shore leave right before the conference.

 

"Isn't there a rule about bringing your future husband's ex-girlfriend with you to choose your engagement ring?" Nyota asked him with a roll of her eyes.

 

"I'm not sure, but there is a rule about bringing a friend. There is no way I'm bringing Bones here. He will just spend the entire time griping about his ex-wife and how much he spent on the engagement ring that he never got back."

 

"I see your point. I'm going to start complaining, if you don't pick something out soon. This is the fifth store we've been in. Did you consider doing this on line?" She said with a sigh.

 

"Buying your engagement ring on line is just wrong. Why do you think I tried so hard to schedule a shore leave? I just haven't found the ring that screamed Spock yet. That's why we're at a vintage store." Jim said looking at a case of 21st century engagement rings from Tiffany's of earth.

 

After an hour in that store, she got bored and decided to wander around some of the other antique shops in the complex. Eventually she came across a store specializing in classic books. It was small, but they have lots of things she's always wanted a hard copy of. A smile crossed her face as she comes up with the perfect wedding present.

 

She barely has time to pay and hide her purchases before Jim approaches her smiling.

 

"I assume you found the perfect engagement ring." She said reaching for the bag in his hand before he pulled away.

 

"No peeking."

 

"Fine, but you can't see what I bought."

 

"You're so mean sometimes."

 

"You love me anyway. Now that you two are getting engaged does this mean you are finally coming out. Because I have to tell you, the reporters are starting to figure things out. Shawn told me he received a call from Barbara Sawyer the other day."

 

"What did he say?" Jim asked with mild concern.

 

"Fuck off," she said quoting Shawn.

 

"Why am I not surprised?” Yes, we are going to go public eventually."

xxxx

 

Again, she wasn't expecting him to propose during a broadcast to the entire Federation. Then again, this is Jim Kirk.

 

The wedding was good, except for the fight that broke out between Winona and Jane. Admiral Barnett's wife actually had to be nerve pinched by the groom to get her to back off. Fortunately, that didn't happen until after the cake and there was no press to capture that particular moment of insanity.

 

Then there was the tiny freak out that Jim had when he realized he dated Pike's current significant other. That was not pretty at all, but she was happy Shawn was there.

 

She didn't feel sad at all when she watched Spock dance the first dance with Jim. They belong together and that's what mattered. If you told her seven years ago that she would be friends with Jim Kirk she would think you were crazy. However, as she has learned a long time ago, never assume anything with Jim Kirk.

 


	6. Spock: Something Illogical: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who read the last chapter.
> 
> This section is divided into two parts because it is nearly 20,000 words in total.

 

“Love is not logical.” Years ago, his mother told him those words when Spock asked her why she married his father. He found her answer unsatisfying and confusing. As an adult, Spock could not understand why she was willing to leave everything she knew behind to live on a planet where those around her only saw her as less than dirt, just so she could be with the person she loved. He could not comprehend anything, let alone an emotion, causing someone to make a decision that was completely irrational and life altering.

He understood her words once he believed he fell in love for the first time. Christopher was 20 years his senior in human terms and his commanding officer at the time the two began their romantic acquaintance. Their relationship was doomed from the beginning with a 97.3% probability of failing; but Spock did not see that as a logical reason to not continue.

Their relationship had issues beyond the age difference. Christopher was very uncomfortable with whom he was and therefore he made Spock feel like a ‘dirty little secret’ in human vernacular. They would never go out in public, not even for a quiet dinner at Spock’s favorite Vulcan cuisine restaurant when Chris was planet Side. Because Vulcans frown upon public displays of affection, Spock was perfectly satisfied with the lack of handholding and human kisses in public. However, Spock would have enjoyed seeing a play or opera in the company of his lover. Yet, such things were impossible. Over time Spock resented this, even if resentment was supposedly an emotional response that any self-respecting Vulcan would never have.

Because their relationship was not public knowledge Spock and his then lover were constantly propositioned by numerous females. Spock despised the attention personally, especially from one particular med student. If he were not Vulcan, this would anger Spock. During his time as Christopher's science officer, he was forced to watch numerous female colleagues flirt with and touch his lover in extremely inappropriate ways. Spock wanted nothing more than to forcibly throw these women across the room and tell these individuals to stay away from his lover. He did no such thing. First, such actions were completely illogical. Second, these women were completely unaware that Christopher was unavailable. He doubted most of these individuals would engage in their behavior if they knew Christopher was involved in a long-term relationship.

The only member of the crew who knew of his sexual relationship with his captain was Christopher’s first officer who goes by the illogical moniker Number One. Number One functioned as Christopher’s “cover” as they would say on earth. She would attend formal events with Christopher when an escort was required. She would be the one who would dance with Spock’s lover in front of the Admiralty. He felt emotional pain that he should not feel at the thought of seeing the two together under such pretense. It hurt Spock to see her take his place.

The multiple rumors about Christopher engaging in a secret romantic liaison with Number One were also hurtful. These rumors aggravated Spock, if he would allow himself to feel aggravation in any form. He did not like sitting in front of his class hearing giggly students talking about his boyfriend with his first officer.

Yet, Christopher wanted to keep their relationship a secret for some reason that he would not say, but Spock knew anyway. Spock allowed the charade to continue because he loved Christopher. Spock did not even tell his mother of his relationship with Christopher, which was beyond illogical. As his mother said, “love is not logical”.

The only other friends of Christopher’s that knew about his relationship with Spock were Admiral Barnett and his wife Jane. He was surprised at this choice because Jane was a reporter who has covered everything from illogical pieces about celebrities with no substance to fascinating articles about genocide and child abuse. However, Spock realized that Christopher’s trust was well founded when Jane said nothing to Spock’s father, about his relationship with Christopher, when she interviewed his father during one of Sarek's trips to earth.

The only somewhat public dates he had with Christopher were the almost weekly dinners at the Barnett home whenever he and Christopher were on earth at the same time. In retrospect, Spock believed that these dinners were the beginning of the end. Spock started to get a taste of what it would be like to love Christopher in front of the world and he was not sufficiently satisfied with just this taste. As un-Vulcan as it sounded he wanted to shout his love for Christopher out loud, in a metaphorical way of course.

At the time, Spock wanted to spend the rest of his life with Christopher, despite all the problems in their relationship. He wanted the world to know that Christopher was his. Looking at the situation years later, he realized that love was making him think irrationally and blinded him to the unavailability of their relationship.

Six months before they were supposed to take command of the Enterprise together, Spock approached Christopher about the possibility of making their relationship more permanent and going public. Spock hoped Christopher would be amenable to his suggestion. Things would be much simpler on Enterprise if they were a married couple.

Chris did not want to marry or bond with Spock. His excuse was that he was not ready for their relationship to go public. For some illogical reason Chris was convinced that if anyone knew that he was a gay man he would not be able to become an Admiral. Spock found his assumption highly illogical. If Christopher would have been amenable to bonding at all, Spock would have been willing to keep their marriage a secret, but Christopher dismissed the idea entirely.

This was what finally ended their relationship. Spock could not stay with Christopher where there was no chance for something permanent. Spock was aware that in the future he might have certain biological needs that can only be fulfilled through a mental bond. For his own survival, Spock needed to find a bond mate and Christopher refused to be what Spock needed.

He also had certain emotional needs, presently, that could not be fulfilled by an individual that was ashamed of him. That was exactly how Spock believed that Christopher viewed him. In Christopher’s mind, Spock was something to be ashamed of. He endured enough of that during his childhood from his father and his contemporaries. Spock would not suffer the same from a romantic or sexual partner.

Sometimes he felt the only person who loved him unconditionally was his mother. Christopher did not love him unconditionally. Spock believed that Christopher was ashamed of him and the fact that Spock loved him. His decision had nothing to do with his career but rather fear of being who he truly was. Spock did not want to stay with the person like that.

Ending the relationship was painful. It was made more uncomfortable by the way Spock chose to end it. Christopher did not know the real reason why Spock dissolved their relationship. He told Christopher that he wanted to end their romantic acquaintance because he was tired of being the older man’s ‘dirty secret’. That was partially true. The truth was he was tired of being in a relationship that had no future. He did not see a future with Christopher, despite the fact that he loved the man. Finally, Spock discovered that love just was not enough.

XX

After the breakup with Christopher, Spock was feeling lonely. This feeling of loneliness was completely illogical for a Vulcan. Vulcans do not feel lonely, yet Spock reminded himself that he was half-human. Loneliness was something Spock was used to. He did not have many companions growing up, only individuals that antagonized him. After his relationship with Christopher, Spock did not want to return to his former solitary existence. Even though their relationship was clandestine in nature, Spock still benefited from having a companion. Spock found he enjoyed having a friend of a fashion and missed that aspect of his relationship with Chris the most.

In addition, Spock was apprehensive about serving aboard a ship with the person that he loved, who apparently did not love him anywhere near as much. Thanks to his Vulcan upbringing, he could stay emotionally detached and still be efficient at his job. Yet, he wondered if he could keep this up for years. At the time, there were rumors that Enterprise would be assigned to a long-term exploratory mission. He considered transferring to another ship but he did not want to give Christopher the satisfaction of knowing that he affected Spock so much that he could not be around the man. Spock was too proud for that.

(Apparently, Vulcans did not consider pride to be an emotion. Vulcan pride was responsible for much of Spock's misery as a child. Spock never understood this. It was most illogical.)

When he was dealing with the fallout from his relationship with Christopher, he had become friends with a young woman from one of his classes. If he were one to notice that sort of thing, he would say that she was extremely beautiful, as well as, intellectually stimulating. Unlike most humans, she could meet his intellectual needs. He enjoyed conversing with her on a multitude of subjects from Vulcan poetry to various languages.

Because of his 2.63 standard years relationship with Christopher, he was used to being with somebody. Being with Nyota made the loneliness go away. His mom would say that Nyota was starting to heal the damage done to Spock’s heart by Christopher, if she knew about Christopher in the first place. Spock always found that statement illogical, because how can a person heel a heart without medical training? Of course, now he realizes this was to be accomplished only in the metaphorical sense.

At first, Spock thought they were just forming a friendship. Although, he found Nyota aesthetically pleasing, he was not sexually attracted to her or any woman. He found her intellectually stimulating. He enjoyed their conversations about poetry and art. He liked going with her to museums and other institutions. Maybe he enjoyed doing this with her because he never had the opportunity to do these things with Christopher.

Yet, in retrospect, he realizes that he was misleading her. She thought that they were what humans refer to as dating or courting. He thought that they were building a great friendship that would last for a very long time. He never corrected her assumption. Maybe, if he did so in the early stages, things would have been better. This was the beginning of their communication problems.

She did many things that he did not like such as touching his hand or kissing him. Instead of telling her that he found such contact to be uncomfortable, he would say nothing. The kissing would be a major problem in their relationship.

One night 2.2 months before the day his entire world would fall apart, she kissed him. If he were thinking logically at the time, he would have pushed her away and explain that he was not attracted to women at all. However, he enjoyed kissing her. He enjoyed the physical contact even if it was not from the person he wished it to be from. He enjoyed the mental sensations of being close to another individual again. He was starved for this type of contact since the end of his relationship with Chris two months prior. He was lonely and he took advantage of her.

After the kiss was over, he should have told her that he only saw her as a friend. Yet, he was afraid that if he told her that he only saw her as a friend she would end their acquaintance completely. He did not want that to happen. He was unsure he could deal with the loss of her friendship at that time. He did not want to deal with the same level of loneliness that he felt during the immediate aftermath of his relationship with Christopher. The sensations were so overwhelming, meditation did little to lessen the impact.

Instead of telling her the truth, he decided it was best to omit certain things. Spock told her that she was the first woman he has ever engaged in any type of romantic relationship and therefore, asked that they take things very slowly. He did not mention that he was really not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her but merely sought her companionship.

This was a mistake. He knew it would have disastrous consequences in the future. Yet, he was not ready to be alone and therefore, continued with the pretense of being in a romantic relationship with her. Even though it made him uncomfortable, he allowed certain types of physical contact, including human kissing, so that the friendship aspect of their relationship could continue.

As he continued his “relationship” with Nyota, even though he was not sexually attractive to her at all, he found himself becoming attracted to another person. The situation was illogical from the beginning. However, there is nothing logical about Jim Kirk especially when love was involved.

XXX.

James will always be the most irrational and illogical person that Spock has ever had the pleasure of meeting. Yet, from the first moment Spock saw him, he found Jim to be sexually attractive, despite the fact that he was in another relationship. He could not explain it, but he felt something for Jim before they ever spoke.

Most individuals, including Jim himself, believe the first time they saw each other was during the Kobayashi Maru hearings or during the simulation itself. The truth of the matter is the first time Spock’s saw Jim was in a photograph at Jane Barnett’s house.

During the last few months of his relationship with Christopher, he found his lover was gone most of the time. Although, he was gone, Jane insisted that he still come over for dinner. Usually after these dinners, he would join Jane in her study to play a game of chess. She was good but nowhere near as good as him. During their entire acquaintance, she has only won two games. She only won this game because he became distracted.

He usually ignored the images he saw in people’s houses, but for some reason this particular image sitting beside him called out to him. However, the image of a blue eyed man playing with Jane Barnett’s two daughters intrigued him. Spock instantly noticed his twinkling eyes and happy expression. He was mesmerizing.

“Who is that individual?” Spock asked as he made a halfhearted move.

“According to the rumor mill, that’s my lover.” She said with a laugh. Just the thought of the young man being involved with her, bothered Spock for some unknown reason. However, her nonchalant response gave him the impression that the rumor was not true.

 

“I assume that rumor is false because he is playing with your daughters, as your husband watches in the image.” He said as he moved another peace along the board.

“That rumor is about as untrue as the rumor about your boyfriend having a love child with his former first officer. Jimmy is my surrogate son. I have known him since he was a little baby. He needed a decent mommy figure because his dad died when he was a baby and his mother has been detached ever since.” It would be later on when Spock will find out that Jimmy was the James Kirk whose father died saving 800 people.

“He is very aesthetically pleasing.” Spock said aloud, not realizing that he did so. He was also distracted enough to make a move that would give Jane her first win against him.

“He is still adorable. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re his type. He usually beats the girls off with a stick. Besides, don’t you have a boyfriend?” She said giving him a quizzical look.

Even at that point, Spock was wondering about that. Christopher was becoming more detached even then. Two months later, their relationship would be over.

“I was under the impression it was perfectly acceptable to become aware of someone’s beauty even if you are not inclined to pursue a romantic relationship with that individual.” Spock told her nonchalantly.

“I think that's just something my husband says, so I will not get upset when I catch him looking at the cleavage of pretty 25 year olds on the net.” Jane quipped.

 

XXXX

In retrospect, this was where his misconception about the viability of a sexual and romantic relationship between he and James began. From that initial conversation, he was under the false impression that James was indeed heterosexual. This flawed hypothesis would be reinforced by a multitude of individuals including James himself.

The truth of the matter was Spock had many misconceptions about Jim from the beginning of their actual acquaintance beyond Jim’s sexual orientation. Initially, Spock thought the young man to be extremely arrogant, despite his physical beauty. James’s demeanor during the simulation did more to infuriate Spock than the fact that the man actually cheated on his test. Not that Vulcans usually became angry, but Jim Kirk already had the uncanny ability to solicit a multitude of emotions from the Vulcan including lust and rage.

The fact that James could so easily solicit an emotional response from him, should have told Spock that he was becoming infatuated with the striking young man beyond his initial appreciation for his aesthetic beauty. That entire night he actually complained to his ‘girlfriend’, he uses the term loosely, about the cadet having the audacity to cheat on his test. In his entire time teaching at the academy, Spock has never been so infuriated by a student.

Yet, at the same time as he was having illogical fantasies about strangling him he was also visualizing pushing Jim up against the wall and kissing him. The thought was somewhat disconcerting because no one has ever made Spock feel like that before.

At the time, he remembered contemplating contacting his mother about that insufferable young man that he was so infatuated with, but never did. Sometimes, Spock wished that he did.

He was probably half way to being emotionally compromised by the time of the hearing. Just Jim’s presence was confusing Spock. Spock actually raised his voice at the hearing slightly which was very un-Vulcan. He also purposely used something against James that he knew would hurt the young man.

He remembered his conversation with Jane months earlier that James's father was a source of pain for him. It did not take Spock very long to realize that the young man in the image at Jane’s house was the same young cadet who cheated on his exam. Nor did it take Spock long to learn why Jim grew up without a father.

Since James hurt him by breaking into his test, as well as, making him feel any emotions whatsoever, Spock chose to hurt Jim by using his father. It worked because Jim was visibly unnerved.

He was later told that his behavior was reminiscent of a child who pulled the pig tails of an acquaintance because he found that person emotionally or physically stimulating. Apparently, in earth society, if a young man had a crush on a young woman he would show his affections by teasing her. Spock does not understand this particular human cultural practice. It seemed quite illogical. Spock seriously doubted any of his tormentors harbored romantic feelings for him.

Spock was also under the misconception that James would do anything to preserve his own self-interest. For example, James wanted to be the first person to beat the Kobayashi Maru for the sake of notoriety. At least, that is what he thought at the time. Because of a selfish desire, Jim had no trouble engaging in sexual intercourse with someone he did not necessarily like so that she would assist him in planting the subroutine.

It never crossed Spock’s mind, that due to certain events in his childhood, Jim could not accept the possibility of a situation that had no way out. Now that Spock knew about Tarsus and the abuse Jim suffered at the hands of Frank. He understood why Jim reprogrammed the test. Psychologically Jim could not handle the thought of having no way out and therefore saw reprogramming the test as a viable solution.

James used Spock's mother to elicit an emotional response from him. In a way, this was what Spock deserves for purposely using Jim’s father against him during the hearing. Yet in his mind, Spock told himself that this proves that James will do anything to serve himself.

He could not see until later that Jim only did those things for the good of the ship, and to save the lives of the billions of sentient beings on earth. His actions on the bridge had nothing to do with hurting Spock.

Spock stopped believing that Jim only cared about himself, when James showed Nero mercy. Deep down inside of him, Spock knows that Jim would love nothing more than to kill the man as painfully as possible. This was the man who killed Jim’s father and Spock’s mother, along with billions of others for motives that Spock would not understand until the first time he shares Jim’s mind. Yet, in that moment, despite how much it would satisfy a personal need for revenge Jim showed mercy. That was something that Spock himself despite all the logic in the universe could not do. He never saw James the same way after that.

XXX

After the death of his planet and his mother, Spock was an ‘emotional wreck’, if such a thing were possible for a Vulcan. If he thought the end of his romantic relationship with Chris was painful, losing his mother was a million times more so. His mother was the only person up until that point who loved him exactly the way he was.

Sometimes, it did not feel real, even now after several years. Logically, he knows that she is gone. He remembered that moment of dread when he realized she was not on the transporter pad with him. Those emotions and memories were so fresh even now that he remembered it in his sleep, even though dreams are abnormal for Vulcans.

Yet even now, after a particularly rough mission or if he encounters some sort of difficulty in his personal life he wished to call her. Sometimes, he would want to get her advice on a situation involving his current lover. Sometimes, Spock has actually been at the communications unit before he remembered that such a thing is now impossible. Sometimes he forgot for just a moment that she was no longer around. It is illogical to forget such a thing but as his mother said long ago, ‘love is not logical.’

 

The loss of his mother felt crippling at times, even years later. However, it was worse during those first few weeks. He was overwhelmed. If he were human, he would have been completely debilitated with grief, but Vulcans do not feel such pain. Yet he did, but told no one. Not even the girl who everyone, including her, thought he was dating.

Because of his heritage, he internalized his pain. Spock did not cry. He did not break every piece of furniture in his apartment and then proceed to consume copious amounts of alcohol, as Nyota did in response to the death of her friend. He felt numb inside but he told no one because there was no one to tell. There was no one he could trust with his pain.

Spock was unable to talk to Nyota at all, because she was suffering the same grief, even if it was a different type of grief. She felt guilty and blamed herself for her friend's death. Nyota was the one who persuaded Spock not to report Gaila’s involvement in the Kobayashi Maru incident. Nyota was the one who convinced Spock that Gaila was just an innocent bystander and another victim of Jim Kirk's smile and blue eyes. If she did not intervene, Spock would have reported her involvement and Gaila would still be alive.

Spock believed that Nyota blames herself for Gaila's death no matter how many times Spock told her that it was illogical. He understood her guilt because no matter how many times he told himself that it was illogical, he still blames himself for his mother's death. In his mind, during those first few weeks, he came up with 983 things he could have done differently during those moments that would have saved his mother’s life. None of the scenarios had a significant probability of actually succeeding, but they still popped up in his mind from time to time. It is illogical to wish one could change the past, but he cannot help but visualize the possibility.

As much as he wished he could, he cannot talk to Christopher about everything was feeling. Maybe if they were still together, he could tell his former lover but he could not. Christopher had too much to deal with including the aftereffects of whatever tortured he suffered. Although she was not Christopher’s lover, Number One was still a very good friend of Christopher and Spock was sure that he took her death rather hard. The situation was made worse because Christopher will be utilizing a wheelchair for the rest of his life because of the injuries he sustained.

Even after decades of scientific breakthroughs, it is still impossible to repair a completely shattered spine. It gives Spock another thing to be guilty about. If only he listened to James the first time, maybe Christopher would still be able to utilize his legs. In light of that, he could not burden Christopher with anything else, even though Spock would love to confess everything to his former lover and find comfort in his arms.

Spock could not share his emotional turmoil with his father. First, that would mean admitting that he actually had emotions and he would never show any weakness to the Vulcan. Even after everything that happened, he did not want to seem less Vulcan in front of his father. His logic was flawed because his father was seriously affected by Amanda’s loss.

That was part of the second reason why he would not burden his father. Sarek was a shell. He was going through the motions. He was trying to keep his mind occupied with rebuilding the colony and convincing Spock to join him. Yet, he still felt her loss. Spock initially said yes to going to the colony with his father just so he would not feel so alone.

Though he was supposedly in a relationship with Nyota he felt alone, probably more alone than ever before. He was surrounded by dozens of individuals, but felt completely lost. He felt the most lost at his mother’s memorial service until he encountered the only person that made the loneliness go away.

Honestly, Spock did not expect to see Jim at his mother's memorial service. They were on better terms after teaming up to retrieve Christopher and save earth, but they were not friends. Maybe there was potential for that but it did not exist yet.

He also did not expect to see Jim protect him from the reporters trying to invade his privacy. Later on after a conversation with Jane, Spock would find out that James spent the majority of his childhood being stalked by reporters since his father's death. As being the child of an ambassador, he could relate to that.

James was the only one who understood what Spock was going through. Jim knew what it was like to lose a parent. James was the only one who did not ask Spock ridiculous question such as, “How are you feeling?” That question is absurd when you ask a human that just lost a loved one; it is even more absurd when you ask that to a Vulcan.

James was the only one not trying to hold Spock or try to comfort him with various earth platitudes that held no real comfort. He actually felt comfortable in Jim’s presence. His voice was soothing without the fake words. For the first time since his mother’s death, Spock did not feel alone.

Maybe that was why he let his guard down and allowed James to hold his hand. Maybe that was why he also told Jim of his decision to leave Starfleet before telling Nyota. James understood, however, Spock felt like Jim really wanted him to stay. He could fill Jim’s emotions pulsing through their joined hands he knew Jim respected him despite their earlier conflict. That encounter alone with James at his mother’s wake was enough to make Spock reevaluate his decision to return to the new colony.

XXX

It was two days later, when he encountered his alternate self that he realized just how much potential was already there between him and James. He was not surprised to find out how much James would mean to him eventually. He was already starting to see it after knowing the man for only a few short weeks. He knew that their relationship would define both of them. It would be a major turning point in their existence if Spock allowed it to happen.

Yet, Spock found himself disappointed when his counterpart specifically used the word friendship. His counterpart said that in the other dimension they had a friendship that would define them both, not a romantic relationship.

Although he would not voice his illogical thoughts aloud, Spock was still hoping that Jim would be as Chris and those close to him were not fully aware of his sexual preferences. However, he knew the other dimension Spock would know his James better than anyone else. The fact that the Jim and Spock from the other dimension were merely friends dashed all of Spock's hopes that maybe at some point in the future he and his James could be more than friends. Not that Vulcans hoped or wish for certain things, because that would be illogical.

Spock did not consider the possibility that his counterpart was deliberately simplifying his relationship with his Jim in some misguided attempt to preserve the timeline. Spock should have known better. His counterpart already lied once.

Spock should have closely examined his counterpart’s reason for lying. He did it so Spock could begin that all consuming friendship with James. Spock really should have kept in mind that for centuries "friend" has been used as a code word for lover.

Spock also conveniently forgot that his counterpart was not him. Just because something did not occur in one dimension, did not mean it cannot happen in this dimension. Major events have already changed the timeline. Just because that Spock and Jim never became lovers, it did not mean it was impossible for he and Jim to become lovers in this dimension. Spock did not consider these possibilities at the time. Instead, his mind fixated on the fact his relationship with James could never move beyond the platonic.

At that time the facts did not support the possibility that James was not heterosexual. By the time of his conversation with his counterpart, Spock was very familiar with James reputation with the women on campus. His exploits were legendary. Not that Vulcans listen to idle gossip. Yet Spock could not help himself when James was involved. Spock knew that logically the rumor mill was unreliable. He knew that the Jane Barnett rumor was completely untrue, yet he still believed the other rumors. His reasoning was quite flawed in that regard

Unlike the rumor mill, Nyota was a source of trusted information and he knew that James really did engage in a sexual relationship with Nyota’s roommate. It did not cross Spock's mind that James only slept with her just because of the simulation.

There were no indications that James had any sexual liaisons with members of the same sex. Spock forgot to account for the fact that there were no rumors regarding Chris’s encounters with those of the same sex. There were not even rumors about Spock’s sexual preferences. Although, that maybe because of that ridiculous, “Vulcans only have sex every seven years” rumor.

He really should have known better. Maybe he was afraid of entering into a real relationship with James and decided deliberately to not see the signs. It is easier to fall in love with something you know you cannot have because you know he or she can never hurt you. He could not deal with another Christopher situation at that point in his life. The thing with Nyota was safe, because it was not real.

XXX

Even though his counterpart said that he and James would have nothing more than a great friendship Spock still wanted that. An all-encompassing friendship was better than this dark loneliness that he was enduring at that time. Just those few moments with James at his mother's memorial service did more for his mental well-being than any of the meditation he did during those weeks. He knew then that he belong on Enterprise with James.

Surprisingly enough it was easy to cultivate their friendship, despite how their relationship began. It probably helped that they had many things in common besides dealing with the loss of a parent. For example, they both liked reading certain types of poetry. Spock was shocked to find out that James had volumes of pre reform poetry on his PADD. Jim could quote some of Spock’s favorite passages verbatim in the original Vulcan. Spock was impressed by this and started to become even more infatuated with the striking young man.

Spock found himself in Jim’s company most of the time. In the beginning, it was because the two were trying to command the ship together. At first, they ate lunch together every day to discuss ship business. Eventually Jim started to share anecdotes about his childhood. Once they started eating in Jim’s quarters instead of the mess hall, the stories became more real and less ‘sugar coated’ as Dr. McCoy would say. James allowed Spock to see who he truly was and Spock he appreciated this greatly.

Years later, he can confess that he was literally gravitating to Jim. He only felt comfortable around Jim. Sometime s, he could only achieve a meditative state after he spends an evening in Jim’s company. He was now willing confesses that he started making excuses to spend time with James.

There was no need whatsoever for Spock to do all his paperwork with the captain. Even if they were discussing work related things, being around Jim was the only time he did not feel alone. Spock was only unaffected by the grief he was not supposed to have when Jim was around. Who would believe, that such a dynamic person, had such a calming effect on him.

All other times he felt completely alone, even when he was with Nyota. She did not realize it but she was pulling away from him and everyone else. She was not handling her friend’s death very well, even though she never told him. He could tell every time he touched her. He wanted to offer her comfort but could not. He was in no state to offer such a thing.

He felt guilty in her presence, if Vulcans felt such a thing. He felt guilty for allowing her to believe that they were involved in a romantic relationship when he only saw her as a friend. He felt guilty for not reporting Gaila’s involvement in the Kobayashi Maru incident. If he did what he was supposed to instead of allowing his supposedly nonexistent emotions to cloud his judgment, she would be alive. If Gaila was alive, then maybe Nyota would not be so alone. Most of all, he also felt guilty because he was falling in love with someone else.

Oddly enough, the only person that could really draw her out of herself was James. It did not surprise Spock that such a thing occur. Beneath the surface, James had many of the same qualities that Spock valued in Nyota. Others on the crew expected him to be angry because his supposed girlfriend was socializing with an individual who was supposedly sexually attracted to her. However, unlike when Christopher was accosted by various females, Spock did not display anything that could be interpreted as jealousy.

Actually, he encouraged the interaction because he was worried about her. He was pleased that his two friends had so much in common. He wanted his friends to get along.

However, if he were being completely honest with himself he will confess that he was slightly jealous of their interaction although not because James was supposedly trying to steal his girlfriend.

He believed that James was sexually attracted to Nyota and was jealous of the fact James saw her as a possible partner. Because he was Vulcan he was not jealous of the time that the two spent together, even if he really was. This jealousy went away after Jim went out of his way to dissuade Spock’s fears.

“I’m pretty sure you have heard the latest rumor about me and your girlfriend.” Jim said over their biweekly chess game. It would not be until months later that he learns that his old chess partner Jane was the one who taught James how to play.

Spock had indeed heard the various rumors about James and his girlfriend. He did not believe any of them because he trusted Nyota. If she did choose to engage in a romantic relationship with someone else, she had the right to, in Spock’s mind because he did not actually consider her to be his girlfriend. Spock was actually more disconcerted because James believed her to be his girlfriend.

“Vulcans do not listen to idle gossip.” He told James firmly.

“Yes but you are Spock, not the sole representative for the Vulcan race. You are a completely unique being.” He did not blush at that.

“I may have heard certain rumors but I knew they were untrue. The bridge is never completely unoccupied and I know for a fact that Nyota is not one for voyeurism. Also, if I witnessed such an incident I am sure I would have remembered it.” Spock replied dryly.

“And people say you have no sense of humor. Seriously, how do people come up with this stuff?” James asked with a sigh.

“I do not know sir. I have never been able to understand the human mind.” Spock said as he moved his piece along the board.

“I’m completely human and I don’t understand the human mind. I just want you to know that I am not trying to take your girlfriend even though she is hot. I would never do that to a friend.” James told him in all sincerity.

 

 

“Is that what we are sir?” Spock asked keeping the hopefulness out of his voice.

“I think we are. I hope we are, so you can stop using ‘sir’. You are over the entire me saying bad things about your mother thing and I’m over you trying to kill me. I also consider Nyota a friend as well and I don’t want to do something stupid that would end that friendship. Although, that’s mostly because I am scared of her. I don’t sleep with my friends significant others.” James said firmly.

 

If Spock wasn’t so distracted by the fact that James grabbed his hand at that moment he would noticed that James specifically used the term "significant other" and not "girlfriend". Looking back on this conversation now, he knows that Jim was not just saying he would not engage in sexual intercourse with Nyota because Jim perceived her to be in a relationship with his friend. He was also saying that he would not pursue a romantic relationship with Spock because Nyota was his friend as well. Unfortunately, he was too lost in the sensations of being touched by James to completely comprehend what he was saying.

Jim’s word that he would not try anything was enough to alleviate his jealousy of Nyota. Jim would not do anything with her out of respect for him. That had made Spock feel significantly better.

If he could not have a romantic relationship with James, he wanted the two to have that strong friendship that his counterpart talked about. The first part of having that great friendship was cultivating trust. Spock trusted James implicitly.

When Nyota told him about her weekly meetings to discuss 20th century poetry and literature with James he encouraged it. Although, there were rumors to the contrary, he completely trusted Nyota because James only saw her as a friend. He was perfectly OK with Nyota going to clubs with James on shore leave.

However, if he was being completely honest with himself he was not comfortable with James going to clubs to meet other possible partners. He was not comfortable with the idea of James meeting someone else. The thought made Spock somewhat nauseous, which seemed completely illogical because Vulcan’s do not have digestive trouble. That was the real reason why he chose not to accompany the two to the planet.

If he had known that they were going to an establishment that catered to those who chose to engage in sexual intercourse with partners of the same sex he would have attended. Actually, he probably would have done certain very un-him and Vulcan things with a certain captain of his at the club.

However, Nyota deliberately withheld this information from him. Spock knew part of the reason was because James did not want his sexual orientation to be public knowledge. Spock also now knows that she deliberately misled him in an effort to prevent their relationship from ending.

He knew that their relationship was one sided. She thought they were lovers and he knew they were really just friends. Unlike with James, Spock felt that Nyota meeting someone else at the club may be beneficial. He was hoping that she would meet another possible romantic partner, then he could stop with the pretense that their relationship was romantic in nature. Part of him hoped that she would meet someone else so she would be the one to end things.

Spock was becoming more and more uncomfortable with pretending that he cared about her as more than a friend. He was becoming more uncomfortable with kissing her. Part of it was the guilt he supposedly did not feel. Though at the time he thought there was no chance of a romantic relationship with Jim he felt like he was betraying Jim by kissing Nyota. By the time, Admiral Barnett's wife arrived on the ship he was literally running away when Nyota tried to engage him in some sort of romantic overture. During moments like that, Spock wished his mother was still around to give him advice. He did not know what to do.

Only Jane Barnett noticed his uneasiness in his relationship with Nyota. The woman brought this up the night before she left the ship during a game of chess.

“Why are you with her?” Jane said giving him a glare that could unnerve any Vulcan.

“Who are you referring to by the use of the pronoun ‘her’?” Spock said nonchalantly.

“Please don't go all Vulcan on me. We both know you know who I am referring to by the use of the pronoun “her”. Why are you with Nyota? Up until I saw her at your mother's wake holding your hand, I swore you were gay, not bisexual or pan sexual.”

“Happiness is an emotion.” Spock replied dryly, deliberately misunderstanding her.

“Did you always make this many jokes? It must be a defense mechanism. That word has not referred to happiness for the last 300 years. Tell me, why are you with her?” Jane asked again.

 

 

“She is intelligent and aesthetically pleasing.” Jane laughed at that comment.

“I honestly don't feel like dealing with a B.S. answer right now. I seriously doubt you find her that physically pleasing because you keep staring at your captain’s ass when you think no one is looking.” He was personally shocked she picked up on that.

“As I explained to you before it is perfectly acceptable to find another person physically pleasing even if you do not harbor a sexual interests in that individual."

“Yes but it is an issue when the person you are gazing at is the person you're really in love with. It is also an issue when the person you're supposed to care about isn't the one you're actually in love with. I know you don't love her. Spock why are you with her?” Jane asked in all seriousness.

 

Before he was aware of it, he was telling her the entire sorted story. No wonder she was the only reporter his father would ever give an exclusive to. She could make anyone talk. He could not help but wonder if she was with Starfleet intelligence in a previous life.

“Sometimes, I wonder how I end up spending so much time around brilliant idiots. If anybody knows that you had a bad year, it’s me. You broke up with Christopher, your mother died, and you became of a member of an endangered species due to the actions of a complete nut job terrorist. However, that does not excuse you from doing something this utterly stupid. What the fuck are you thinking? You actually think pretending to date someone because you want to keep their friendship is a good idea?” Jane asked with an angry glare.

 

“It seemed logical at the time.” Spock told her weakly. “I enjoyed Nyota’s companionship and I did not want it to end. I did not want to return to the loneliness of before.”

"Did she ever come out and say that she would not spend time with you if you were not her boyfriend?"

"No,"

"Do you find her sexually attractive?"

"She is a very beautiful woman."

“That’s not what I asked.” Jane said with a sigh. “Do you want to have sexual intercourse with her? Oral sex does not count.”

"No," Spock responded emphatically.

"Are you still in love with Christopher?" He was caught off guard by this question.

"I do not understand the logic behind that question."

“Just answer the question. You just told me you started pretending to date someone just because you were feeling lonely and did not want to be around your ex-boyfriend alone. I would like to know if this entire ludicrous situation was caused by the fact you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend. I don’t even know why you two really broke up in the first place except that maybe you were tired of Chris keeping your relationship a secret.”

 

"At the time, I began my relationship with Nyota I was still in love with Christopher. However, the fact that I still had feelings for him was a nonissue. Yes, I was tired of keeping our relationship a secret. However, I was also tired of being with someone who was ashamed of me. I asked him to marry me.” Jane was the first person he told this to.

“What?”

“I asked him to marry me and he said no. I could not stay in a relationship that did not have a future. Such a thing was completely illogical. Even if I loved him back then, it did not matter because he did not love me.” He noticed a very sad expression on her face at that moment.

"Do you still love him now?" Jane asked in a soft voice.

"I value the things that I learned from him, but I no longer love him as I once did." Spock answered honestly, even surprising himself.

“Is that because you love someone else?"

"Perhaps," Spock said without making eye contact.

"But that person is not Nyota. If you don’t love her you have to let her go. You’re doing to her what you think Chris did to you. It's not right. You are keeping her in a relationship with no future for your own selfish desires. That’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to you. It is not fare to Jimmy.” That last statement he found shocking.

"How is it not fair to James?" He asked in confusion. Spock would never want to do anything that would hurt his James.

“Fuck, you weren’t supposed to know. He’s going to kill me." James mumbled under breath.

“What am I not supposed to know?”

 

“I can’t tell you. Don’t ask me. I don’t betray the confidence of my friends, no matter what. What I will say is that by holding on to this sham of a relationship you may just be keeping her or yourself from finding the real love of your life.”

 “I do not want to lose her friendship. I do not want her to hate me.”

“It may be a little too late for that. Maybe if you had the 'guess what I’m gay' conversation early on, this wouldn’t be a problem. If she’s really your friend she’ll come back eventually. But if you don’t let go of her soon, she is going to hate you forever if you keep her from something truly great.”

 

That night after Jane left his quarters he meditated on her words. He knew she was right. His actions were keeping Nyota from being happy. She deserved happiness.

What Spock focused on the most was Jane’s accidental slip. How did Spock staying with Nyota affect Jim’s happiness? Why did Jane refuse to tell him how he was affecting Jim’s happiness?

The only logical conclusion based on the facts at the time was James was in love with Nyota. Obviously, if this was the case, Jane would be compelled not to say anything to Spock. The only other possible conclusion was James was sexually attracted to him.

 

Given the evidence at the time this was illogical. First, multiple sources have confirmed the heterosexual assumption regarding Jim. His counterpart, Jane, and Nyota were all good friends of Jim’s and would know the truth supposedly. It never crossed his mind that at least two of these individuals were deliberately misleading Spock and the third was protecting a dear friend’s confidentiality.

Spock never saw James act in a romantic way with any member of the same sex. For some reason Spock completely ignored the numerous sexual innuendos that James mentioned in his presence on numerous occasions or all the touching.

James was always seen flirting with various members of the crew and numerous female dignitaries. Of course, nothing happened. Spock completely ignore the fact that James would rather play a game of chess with him, than accompany one of these women back to their accommodations for the night to engage in certain carnal activities.

The obvious explanation for this change in behavior was that James had developed real feelings for someone else. The only woman that James had any sort of real relationship with other than his surrogate mother figure was Nyota. Therefore, it was only logical to assume that James had developed feelings for Nyota.

He remembered his conversation with James months earlier when he reassured Spock that nothing was going on. He remembered Jim explicitly saying that he would not take his friend's girlfriend. Spock conveniently forgot that James actually said the word partner, despite his perfect memory.

By staying in his fake relationship with Nyota, he was not only effecting her happiness but also James’. Because he loved James so much, he could not bear the thought of hurting him, even if it meant allowing him to be with someone else. He loved both of them in very different ways but he wanted both to be happy. If that meant ending his relationship with Nyota, so she could be with James than he would do just that.

It took him several weeks to decide the best way to end his relationship with her in a way that would still allow Jim to date her afterwards. He decided to tell her a modified version of the truth. Most likely, if he did not find a partner on his own he will have to marry a woman on the colony and have children with her, even though he finds the prospect very distasteful.

After 2.1 weeks, Spock decided enough time had passed and therefore it was time to have his conversation with James. He noticed that Jim was slightly more jumpy around him since the breakup and felt it was time to let him know that he was perfectly fine with James starting a romantic relationship with Nyota.

He was not perfectly fine with the prospect by any definition of the term, but he would suffer through it for Jim’s sake because he loves him. That afternoon, he asked James to meet him in one of the conference rooms so that they may discuss this issue. He also asked Nyota to show up to the room ten minutes later. He will regret this.

Spock had no idea that the moment he walked into the room James would push him up against the wall and began kissing him.

To be concluded 


	7. Spock: Something Illogical: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter but I did do a sequel that I will start reposting on A3O soon.  
> Warning: Sexual Situations and not all consensual. Also, detail talk about what happened on Tarsus IV. Nothing graphic, but it's not pretty. This chapter is a mix of angst and fluff.

For the first time in his entire 29 years of existence, Spock’s mind could not function properly as Jim’s mouth continued to consume him. The sensation of Jim’s tongue mingling with his was overwhelming to the point where he could not think about how illogical the scenario was. After several unknown moments, they pulled apart gasping for breath. Spock was unsure exactly how long the kiss lasted because his internal sense of time was nonfunctional do to the fact he was finally able to partake in what his heart desired most. Because his highly advanced mind was still in a state bliss, he maintains that he is not responsible for what he said next.

“I was functioning under the assumption that you were heterosexual. Obviously, I was wrong.” He said that gasping as his James started sucking on his neck, as their fingers mangled with each other.

“Spock, I am so in love with you that even if I was straight, I would switch teams for you.” Spock’s heart rate increased by 22.3% at Jim’s declaration of love. Although, that may have something to do with James bringing their now joined hands to his mouth as he kisses each one of Spock’s fingers.

“You are in love with me?” Spock asked in a whisper, as the majority of his control left him.

“As illogical as it sounds, I am completely head over heels in love with you. I don’t know how it happen but I became instantly infatuated with you the moment I saw you at the hearing. You made me so angry that I couldn’t think straight. I may be an emotional person but nobody has ever generated that type of emotional response from me ever. At the same time, off I wanted to push you up against the nearest wall and do all sorts of very inappropriate things to you.” James explained with a smile.

“Why didn’t you?” Spock was so lost in the sensation of James now licking and kissing his collarbone, that he actually used a contraction.

“Unfortunately, everything went to hell. We had to deal with a futuristic nut job, that had a very illogical Spock vendetta; your planet was destroyed; your mom died; you tried to kill me; and I found out you had a girlfriend. I just didn’t think more was possible.” James explained.

 

“I was under the impression that you did not believe in no-wins scenarios?” Spock asked as he pulled James mouth back to his. James body was pushed back up against the wall again as they continued their clash of teeth and tongues.

“I don’t.” James said panting, out a breath, as he reluctantly pulled away. Their mouths broke apart but their body stayed pressed together so tightly against the wall that Spock could feel James’s erection pressed up against his leg.

“I thought you were in love with her, even if I knew something wasn’t quite right with that relationship.” James told him, as he placed another hot open mouth kiss on Spock’s neck before pulling away to become serious for a moment.

“I don’t sleep with my friends and I don’t sleep with their boyfriends. Nyota became a friend of mine, without even trying and I just couldn’t hurt her like that.” Spock understood. Jim’s integrity is one of the things that Spock admired most about his love.

“Then there was the other version of you.” James started.

“He is not me.” Spock replied as he kissed his James gently on the cheek. He only wished he realized that months ago, before he used the fact the other two were merely friends as a means to justify not going after his James.

“I know he is not you, but in a way he is. In the cave on Delta Vega, he knew who I was before I even said a word. He looked at me with such admiration and love that it hurt. I never had anyone care about me like that before and I wanted so badly to have you cherish me like that. I was shocked when he said we were just friends in the other dimension. Partially, because you hated me at the time, but also because his feelings were so intense it was overwhelming.”

“I never hated you. I have always been torn between wanting to kiss or kill you.” Spock said giving James a gentle kiss upon the lips once more. It took all of his remaining control to not allow it to escalate further. However, Spock understood the importance of this conversation and restrained himself.

“I didn’t know that at the time. I just knew I wanted you to look at me like that. If we could only be friends, I wanted that. When I found out about the girlfriend, I knew that was all we could have.” James voice was filled with sorrow. “So I did everything I could think of to cultivate that friendship.”

“I did not love her. I love you.” At Spock’s declaration, the conversation was over and their mouths fused once more. He was so lost in the sensation of his James that he did not hear the door open or the several expletives screamed by Nyota. The first thing that registered was Jim’s body falling into the doorway from Nyota’s punch. That was when he remembered he invited her there to let her know that he was perfectly OK with her dating James. It seems that his earlier hypothesis regarding this matter was also false due to inaccurate information.

“Fuck, I meant to hit you.” Nyota screamed at him with more anger then he has ever felt from anyone before.

“I’m going to let you two talk, before I get punched again.” With one last look, his James was out the door. Spock wanted to follow but did not.

The conversation that followed was painful as he realized just how much he actually hurt her. He should have never allowed the charade to continue. He should have told her from the beginning that he only saw her as a friend. When he realized that he was doing to her what Christopher did to him, he should have broken up with her immediately.

He should have spoken to her about his suspicions, instead of trying to play matchmaker. He wanted to offer her comfort just like she offered him comfort the day of his mother’s death, but she would not allow it. She was too hurt by his actions and he could not blame her. What he did to her was wrong. He left her as requested to find James.

Not only was he worried about his love but he also needed to convince him, for Nyota’s sake, not to press charges. What she did was Spock’s fault. He was the one who hurt her. Spock was the one who convinced her to come to that room. He was the one who most likely destroyed her friendship with James.

Even though his mind was filled with conflicting emotions relating to his feelings for James, he was still worried about her. She did not have that many friends left and her outburst scared him. Before going to see James, he put in order for her to see the ship psychologist in the morning. Although he wanted to see James again quickly, he doubted he would have the presence of mind to put in the order in later.

Spock walked into sick bay just in time to hear the doctor accuse him of being the one to cause Jim’s rapidly blackening eye. He was also under the misconception that Spock was heterosexual. After being around humans for most of his life he still does not understand their obsession with categorizing.

On Vulcan, those who are not forced into a premature bond usually partner with those who they found mentally compatible. If he were on Vulcan or rather the colony now, since there is no longer a Vulcan, he would have approached James without worrying about his supposed sexual orientation because there was no such thing on Vulcan or rather now in Vulcan culture. Yet, because James was from earth, he decided to go by human cultural norms. Now, he wished he did not.

He will neither confirm nor deny that he purposely started kissing James on the Bio bed, just to irritate the doctor. He was completely unaware that the doctor even left the room. His decision to allow James to start removing clothing was purely instinctual. This probably would have happened earlier in the conference room if they were not interrupted. He sincerely regrets his earlier plan involving Nyota arriving at the room ten minutes later.

James was just about to unzip his pants when Leonard walked back into the room and kick the two out, without healing James injuries properly.

The walk back to James courter seemed to last forever. They looked perfectly normal as they nonchalantly talked about ship business on the 5.3 minute walk to James quarters.

The moment they walked into Jim’s room, Spock felt himself pushed against the wall, as James once again removed his science top. Minutes later, Spock’s black undershirt along with James entire ensemble were tossed across the room. Moments later James was wandering around his room in his boxer shorts trying to find lubricant and condoms that were not expired.

“If I actually believed that you were in love with me, or just wanted to have sex, I would have stocked up on supplies. I just didn't want to jinx it.” Jim said as he threw another expired pack of condoms in the recycling unit.

He will not admit that he was slightly happy that James had so many expired packs of condoms in his quarters, because that meant James was not engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone else. He will admit to himself that he enjoyed watching Jim practically tear his quarters apart nearly naked.

“Why do we need condoms? I do not possess any transmittable diseases.” Spock said after a moment.

“Supposedly, I am clean too, but I did a lot of stupid stuff the first year at the academy. Also considering the amount of stuff we have been exposed to on different alien worlds, who knows what we could have. I do not want to hurt you. Also, because I don’t want to hurt you we need lube and I used my supplies up during private time. Do you have anything in your quarters? You did have a girlfriend up until a couple of weeks ago.” James asked.

“I was not planning on having sexual intercourse with her. Therefore, I did not keep any supplies in the room.” Spock responded calmly.

 

 “When I’m not 30 seconds from jumping you, you’re going to have to explain that to me. There’s no way in hell I’m going back to sick bay to get condoms.” Jim told him right before a smile appeared on his face. He then grabbed an innocent looking gift box from under his bed. Spock could read from behind Jim that the package came from Jane Barnett, even if she signed it as ‘your other mom’.

The card read, “I had a little talk with the object of your Affection before I left. If he finally gets a clue, you will need what is in this box. Apparently, you have been a very good captain lately and are no longer sleeping with anything that walks. Do not open this box until you have your Vulcan lover about to rip off your clothes. Don’t tell me any details. Love your other mom.”

“Oh my god! She gave us condoms.” James said as he pulled out the first thing in the box. Also inside the box were several bottles of pleasure enhancing lubricant, old fashion handcuffs with some red fuzzy substance around them, silk scarves, various toys, and an electronic copy of _Inner Species Relationships for Dummies_.

 

“I don’t know whether to be disturbed or grateful.” James said looking dazed for a moment. Spock decided to take matters into his own hands and pushed James on top of the bed as Spock grabbed one of the bottles of lubricant out of the box. Both of their Starfleet issued boxer shorts were unceremoniously tossed across the room, as he started kissing his way down Jim’s chest, as he was trying to decide what would be the best way to prepare James for penetration.

“You can be disturbed about this after I make love to you.” Spock said as he grabbed the bottle of lubricant once more as he prepared to pour some in his hands. He stopped as he noticed Jim pull away a little.

“Did I use the wrong term?” Spock asked quickly.

“That depends on you. Do you really love me?” James asked with eyes wide.

Spock kissed him once more before answering with a verbal and breathy, “yes”.

“This isn’t just sex or fucking?” James questioned.

 

“No, it is not. I am in love with you and have been for a very long time.” Spock said touching his cheek gently.

 “This is the first time I’ve ever done this.” James said shakily.

 

“There is a first time for everything.” No more words were said after that as he started to prepare his lover for his first encounter with real lovemaking.

The difference between sex and lovemaking is not the speed, temple, or even the positions but rather the emotions connected to the act. Even when he performed fellatio on James, or James was riding him as they utilize the red fuzzy handcuffs they were still making love.

However, the biggest difference is hours later after their physical urges were sated as they lay together, completely entangled as they talked about everything. James laughed as Spock explained why he invited him to the conference room earlier that day.

 

“It is not that funny James.” Spock said as he placed an open mouth kiss on his lover shoulder blade.

“Yes, it is.” James choked out between laughs. “You thought I was in love with Ny, and broke up with her because you were so in love with me, that you couldn’t bear for me to be unhappy. This was all cause because you were too scared to tell me that you were in love with me. I thought Vulcans didn’t do fear.”

 

“As you have pointed out several times, I am not fully Vulcan.” Spock replied sharply.

“I am very thankful for that. I seriously doubt a full Vulcan would be screaming so many dirty words as I came inside of him or when he came inside of me. I did not even know you knew the word fuck until your oh so tight Vulcan muscles were squeezing my cock the last time. I love that mouth of yours to as you are fucking me with it, got to love the lack of a gag reflex.” James said as he pulled Spock in for another kiss.

“You do realize we cannot punish her for what she did, at least not formally. I was thinking maybe she could see the new ships psychologists tomorrow or rather today.” James said looking at the clock realizing it was now 2:00 AM ship time.

“I already scheduled a time for her later today. I did not tell her because I believe she is not very comfortable with me right now.” Spock said with as much shame as he will ever allow himself to feel.

“What gave you that Idea? Other than the fact she hit me when she meant to hit you. I think it is best if you guys are not on the same shifts right now. I will talk to her. Also, when she can finally stand to be in the same room with you again, I suggest you not tell her that you were planning to give her to me as a gesture of your affection. She will cut off your dick and I really like it.” Jim said as he actually wrapped a hand around said appendage and triggered another round of various sexual activities.

Spock was surprised to see Jim function so well with only three hours of sleep that day.

XXX

When morning came, he was reluctant to leave and worried what would happen. Was this just a onetime thing? His love apparently had the same fears.

“Did you mean what you said last night in front of Bones?” James asked as he was getting dressed for the morning in their shared bathroom. During their final round, they somehow managed to break Jim’s bed and decided it was best to actually sleep in Spock’s quarters.

The only reason why their quarters are right next to each other was the original captain’s quarters shared the ventilation system with the nearby botany lab. During his first night in command, James spent the entire time in sickbay due to a severe allergic reaction. The only option was for James to take the original first officer room and for Spock to take the adjoining room next door that was intended for the chief medical officer until major renovations were completed. Spock was quite thankful for the configuration that morning.

“I said many things last night. Could you please specify the specific instance which you are referring to?” Spock asked for clarification.

 

“Are you always this deliberately dense? Oh wait, you thought I was in love with your girlfriend when I was in love with you. You are the smartest idiot I have ever met.” James said with a laugh. “It would be endearing if this conversation was not so serious. Do you want a real relationship with me? I’m not exactly boyfriend material.”

“I value our friendship too much to risk it for anything less. That was part of the reason why I was so reluctant to prove the heterosexual assumption false.” Spock explained.

 

“Are you really sure you want a relationship with me? I am still a little screwed up on the inside, even after two years of therapy. I’m highly illogical. I don’t pick up after myself and I rarely clean. Last night, I threw out six boxes of expired condoms.” James joked.

 

“I was quite pleased that you did not have any use for those devices recently.” Spock told James honestly with something that resembled a smirk, if he would allow himself to display such emotions physically.

“If I didn’t have to deal with your ex-girlfriend, I would wipe that smile right off your face right now. Unfortunately, I have to be a good captain and clean up your mess so we don’t lose the best communications officer in Starfleet.” Surprisingly, he felt a moment of worry before James continued.

“I’m surprised I don’t have a transfer request in my inbox yet.” Spock let out a breath of air that he was completely unaware he was holding.

“The longest relationship I’ve ever had was in high school and it only lasted about four months. Unless your definition of relationship includes sleeping with the same person repeatedly as you both see other people? There were a couple of people at the academy I fooled around with for all three years.” The angry look that he gave James told him he did not consider that to be a relationship.

“I require the occasional date to consider whatever we are doing as a relationship. Fortunately for you, I consider playing chess a date.” Spock explained, which caused Jim to frown.

“I guess I should thank Chris for your low standards on dating.” He froze when he heard the name.

“I know you broke up with him because you were tired of being his little dirty secret. I may not be ready to make an address over the PA system but I value you in ways that you probably will never be able to comprehend. So expect a few shore leave dates and desperate attempts at cooking.” Jim said giving him a gentle kiss as he stepped back into the room.

“I find that prospect very appealing. In the interest of starting our relationship off with complete honesty, I must tell you that was not the real reason I terminated my relationship with Christopher. I asked Christopher to marry me. He said no. His explanation for rejecting me was illogical and therefore, I decided it was best to terminate are romantic relationship. I would have been amenable to keeping our romantic relationship with Christopher private if he was willing to get married. However, he found the prospect distasteful.” Spock said without looking at his lover.

“So instead of telling him the real reason why, you told him some half truth just like you told Nyota some half truth.” Spock’s actions seem illogical when phrased like that.

“Your hypothesis is correct.” Spock said unable to make eye contact.

“I can’t say that I am sad he turned you down but I’m sorry that he hurt you. Next time we are on Earth, I am going to buy him very a large bottle of some very high proof alcohol as a thank you present.” He did not understand the purpose of such a gesture that said nothing.

“I’m quite pleased that he said no at the moment as well.”

 “I’m not ready for white picket fences or happily ever after. I’m not even completely ready to tell anyone about us but my good friends. I will say you are the first individual I can picture myself married to and that doesn’t completely terrify me.” James told him in all sincerity. It was more than he ever got from Christopher. It was enough.

“That is enough for now, T'hy’la.”

XXXX

The next few months were a period of major transition as he and James went from friends to lovers completely. This period of adjustment probably would have been easier if he and Jim worked any of the same shifts that first month. Because he was the one responsible for the tension between Nyota and him, Jim decided Spock should be the one to work gamma shift.

During that time, he and Jim had very little free time together except on their day off. The only time they saw each other during work hours was when they were making command decisions together or during a crisis. Although, Spock purposely cut his meditation time short so he could at least partake in one meal a day with his James.

During the time they served together, Christopher and Spock never had meals together because Christopher was worried it would be suspicious. Spock now wonders if Chris was just being paranoid.

He found it fascinating, how no one noticed the fact that he and Jim were now a couple. Despite the snide comments made by Dr. McCoy every time he and Jim sat together in the officer’s dining room.

The doctor was still having difficulty adjusting to the fact that he and James were lovers. Dr. McCoy was also still convinced that he was the one responsible for Jim’s bruises that first night. The doctor was constantly fussing over his friend whenever possible. Even going so far as to question Jim about some of his various bruises and bite marks after one of the few times the two were able to be together during that first month.

“Seriously Bones if you can’t figure out why I’m covered in bruises and bite marks, no wonder you got a divorce. Your sex life must have sucked or maybe the lack of sucking was the problem.” Jim said with a smirk.

“Thanks for the visual picture. I’m going to go see if I can find the industrial strength brain bleach now.” The doctor said in disgust as he walked away. He rarely ate lunch with the two after that.

Surprisingly enough, Nyota was much more accepting of his relationship with James then the doctor. Finally, after 33.2 days Nyota decided to have mercy on him and allowed the two of them to have shifts together again.

“I’m not going to break if I have to see you and Jim together during shift or in the cafeteria. I may even be able to handle some discreet Vulcan kisses on the bridge without adverse effect.” She told Spock with half a smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

“I seriously doubt that would occur even without your permission. James and I have decided to keep our relationship private for the time being. We both grew up in a ‘fishbowl’, as James would say. Although, I do not understand what fish have to do with being under the constant scrutiny of the press.” Spock said deliberately making a joke to put at ease.

“It’s an expression.” She said with a sigh before continuing. “I don’t think you have to worry about anybody figuring out that you and Jim are together. You could go down on him in the middle of the bridge and some people would still be confused.” Ironically enough, this would be how Mr. Scott discovers his relationship with James six months later. However, this particular incident happened in a supply closet near engineering.

“I already told James I would do no such thing even if he found a way to get everybody else off the bridge for the time it took to do such an act.” Spock said in all seriousness.

“I don’t want details. I meant that in the metaphorical sense. How on earth or any other planet, did I think you were straight or actually into me? That was a rhetorical question. It’s 2259 and people still have it in their mind that all gay men wear glitter and listen to show tunes. Jim Kirk fits the supposed heterosexual norm too well, like a modern James Dean.” He instantly recognized of reference.

“According to the history files, James Dean was not heterosexual. Therefore it is illogical for him to be seen as a heterosexual model of human masculinity.”

 

“Most people don’t know that, just like with our James. That is why it takes a metaphorical knock in the head for him or her to realize the truth about Jim Kirk. In your case, it was him kissing you into a wall. Unfortunately, I had to walk in on that.” She said with a lot less hostility than he was expecting.

“I have apologized for that incident several times.”

“Yes and you will keep on apologizing for that incident for a very long time. Seriously, how could you think I was secretly into Jim?” She said with a glare. “What makes you think you had the right to just give me away to make the guy you were completely in love with happy?”

“I thought James decided never to tell you about that incident.” Spock nearly mumbled.

 

“He can be manipulated quite easily under the right circumstances. Don’t feel bad, 79.2% of the entire ship now believe that Jim and I are screwing. 14.2 percent of the crew thinks you and I broke up because you found out that Jim had a crush on me and you decided to be a good friend and let me go so he would have a chance.” Spock blinked at that, wondering how she acquired such statistics.

“What about the remaining 6.6%?” Spock asked.

“This is the percentage of the crew that actually knows that you and Jim are sleeping together. This small select group of people are made up of me, Dr. McCoy, the poor person who keeps having to replace Jim’s bed after you two break it doing god knows what, and a few of Jim’s ex hookups.” Nyota sounded as if she was about to laugh.

“Jim has ex boyfriends on the ship?” Spock asked slightly surprised.

 

 

 

 

“Of course, that is the only part you hear,” Nyota sighed. “What I am trying to tell you is I want a certain rumor to go away. Since Jim is unwilling to make out with you in the mess hall, the only other option is for the three of us to get along.”

“How will that alleviate the rumor?” Spock questioned.

“The number of people who are assuming that I’m screwing my captain has increased by 38% in the last 32 days because everybody thinks that you are on gamma shift because you and Jim are fighting, despite the fact that you two have lunch together every single day. I didn’t work long and hard for my position for everybody to assume I got it on my back. I want the rumor to go away. You owe me.” Nyota said forcefully.

“I will do as you ask.” Unfortunately, three years later that particular rumor is still very prevalent around the ship. It eventually mutated into a threesome rumor as more and more people picked up on the closeness between him and James.

“Good. On another note, as one of Jim’s friends it is my duty to threaten to tear off your dick with my bare hands if you do anything as stupid as what you did to me. How hard would it have been to say ‘I like you, just not in that way’? I still would have loved to go with you to see Vulcan opera even if I wasn’t under the delusion that we were dating. Do not even think about doing something like that to him. You will prefer a Klingon prison to what I will do to you. Do we understand each other?” Nyota punctuated her statement with an angry glare.

“Completely,” He said as she walked away.

He endured the traditional threatening of the boyfriend from Dr. McCoy, Jane Barnett, Jim’s mother (who he has only recently started speaking to again), and oddly enough his own former boyfriend. After that conversation, Spock finally understood the human concept of awkwardness.

XXXX

After being together for two months, they finally notified the Admiralty of their relationship officially, even if Christopher already knew. Admiral Barnett was slightly upset because he lost a bet with his wife and would have to be her personal slave for a week.

Four months into their relationship, they gave up on the concept of having separate quarters and moved in together. It was another month before they realized that such a thing had occurred. Surprisingly enough, no one noticed that Spock’s room became a meditation area and office. Spock still found it fascinating that visiting crewmembers never asked why James has a full bed in his quarters or why Spock has a meditation mat where his bed should be.

Although their relationship was still not public knowledge, Spock did not feel as if James was ashamed of him. It was a mutual decision to keep their relationship private.

During their first shore leave together, as a couple, they went to various restaurants and clubs together. Spock will admit the only reason why he accompanied James to that particular night club was to make sure no one else touched his lover.

Also by the fifth month mark, Spock accompanied James to two diplomatic events that required Jim to have an escort. When asked why he chose Spock as his escort, Jim would just make some joke about Spock being the only one who could keep him from drinking himself into a stupor.

Spock was more comfortable with the arrangement once he began to understand why James was not completely out, as they would say on earth. One night six months into their relationship after various activities the two were cuddled together on their bed, Spock started to examine the old scars on James shoulders and stomach.

“Where did these come from?” Spock asked as he ran one finger slowly over the naked flesh. He instantly felt his lover tense up underneath his touch.

“You do not have to tell me if you are unable to T’hy’la.” Spock said as he placed a gentle kiss on his temple.

“I want to. Just give me a minute to compose myself.” Jim said with shaky breath.

“Okay,” was his only reply.

“How much do you know about Admiral Barnett’s wife’s career?” James question confuse Spock. How was this relevant?

 

“I know her big break was her interview with your mother when you were a baby. For the next 11 years she mostly did pieces that are normally referred to as “fluffy journalism” before writing the award winning Child X series.”

“What do you remember about the Child X series?” James asked shaky.

“It was about a boy from Iowa who was continuously abused by his stepfather as the local authorities did nothing even after numerous reports.” It was at that moment that Spock remembered that James was originally from Iowa.

“You were Child X?” Spock asked Jim as he wrapped his arms around his lover to protect him.

“Yes, I was Child X. A couple of weeks before Jane wrote that article I drove my biological father’s antique car into a ravine so that Frank could not sell it. Frank got so mad that he literally beat the hell out of me. Jane discovered me a few days later because she thought it was weird I wasn’t there at the dedication ceremony for the George Kirk Memorial shipyard at Riverside.” Jane has always been observant, so Spock was not surprised by this.

“Frank did a lot of damage that time, lots of internal bleeding and broken bones. That is where the scars on my shoulder and a few other places come from. The doctors said that if Jane didn’t get to me when she did, I most likely would have died because Frank wasn’t planning on getting me medical care any time soon.” Spock shivered at the thought that his love may not be with him now if circumstances were different.

“The worst thing about the whole thing was my mom wouldn’t have bothered to even come back to earth and divorce Frank if Jane didn’t blackmail her into doing something. The woman has always been oblivious to the truth even if she was on planet.” James said harshly.

“This was not the first time your stepfather hit you?” He asked with concern.

“No. I don’t remember a time when Frank didn’t hit me. He has always had a volatile temper. I didn’t have to give him a reason to be violent. I just didn’t feel like giving him a reason not to be. When I was five, I lit a teddy bear on fire in my bedroom to try to get my mom’s attention. It didn't work. I can’t even remember why I did it anymore.”

“What about the scar here?” Spock asked as he ran a finger over the very old scar tissue on one of James’ muscles.

“I was six years old I think. I had to be in second grade, it was right around Valentine’s Day. Mom just left for a six-month mission a week or two before. Frank found my Valentine’s card to Andy and decided to punish me for my ‘deviant behavior’.” Jim said with bitterness.

“What particular behavior did he find deviant? Spock asked not understanding why James’s stepfather would do such a thing.

“Andy was a guy. The entire time Frank was hitting me, he was calling me every single derogatory term for homosexual in standard and a few other languages. This sort of thing happened a lot. No one was around to stop it from happening. Mom was just never there. Instead of being a good big brother, Sam just watched it happen. Sometimes he would join in the verbal abuse. Nothing like your big brother calling you a f#*$ to screw up your self-image and create all sorts of trust issues. It continued like that until I drove dad’s car off the cliff hoping mom would come back. She didn’t, but Jane came for me.” He just held on to James for a moment as he saw a few tears fall. He could feel his lover’s anguish through their physical contact.

“Is that why you keep your sexual orientation a closely guarded secret?” Spock asked as he made the obvious connection.

“Yes and no. I’m not ashamed of who I am. I just don’t trust people that much or really at all. My mom essentially abandoned me to a homophobic child abuser with a drug and alcohol problem. My brother blames me for our father’s death and made my life miserable until he ran away to college. I haven’t talked to him in over a decade and I don’t plan to. Even Jane didn’t save me the way I wanted her to.” Jim paused for a moment before continuing.

“It isn’t that I don’t want people to know. It’s just I don’t trust them to see the real me.” No one knows the real Jim Kirk until he is ready for you to see who he really is. Spock understood what it was like to be uncomfortable because of who you are.

Even though he faced cold indifference from his father for the majority of his life he never had to deal with physical abuse. He was thankful for that.

“Did you not trust me early on in our acquaintance?” Spock wondered in that moment if that was the reason why he didn’t know originally.

“Even after you tried to kill me, I still trusted you with my life. I would not have asked you to be my first officer if that wasn’t the case. I just did not trust you with my heart. I’m over that now.” Jim said with a kiss that ended all conversation.

XXX

Nine months into their relationship, Spock finally told his father about his romantic acquaintance with James. He did not want to say anything until he knew this was not going to end. Spock was shocked to find out that his father was not surprised at all even after Spock explained that he was planning to bond with Jim eventually.

“You are not shocked by this news?” Spock asked his father as he stared at the communication screen motionless.

“Vulcan’s do not become shocked. Honestly, I think your human boyfriend is a bad influence on you. You are becoming more human.”

“I am half human. It would be disrespectful to mother’s memory to completely forget that she is part of me.” Spock said sharply.

“Your argument is logical. I did not find the news that you are not only engaged in a romantic relationship with your captain but it is also serious, unexpected. First, during our communications for the last 13.3 standard months you have on average mention James name 17.6 times per conversation. Second, on three separate occasions James has answered your com station when I called when you were on duty or in the lab. Third, on one of these occasions he answered in only his boxer shorts. The lack of a shirt allowed me to see the various bite marks on his skin.” Despite all his control, Spock felt an unusual amount of blood rushed to his cheeks causing the skin to become green in color.

“Is that all father?” Spock asked hoping to end this conversation as quickly as possible. At that moment, he really wished he forced James to take part in this awkward discussion. He would rather be talking to his ex boyfriend about his current lover again, than engage in any conversation about his sex life with his father.

“No it is not son. I am sure that you are well aware they your counterpart has taken his place on the Vulcan council. It took me less than 3.4 minutes to realize that he was my son, despite being significantly older than you and having a new name. He melded with me for a reason that I am unable to tell you. He was bonded to his James in the other dimension, although they had an open relationship. I hope you and your James will not do such a thing.” That last part was mumbled under his father’s breath. Spock was shocked to hear his father mumble anything. He was not shocked that the other Spock was bonded to his James.

“No father.”

 

“That is good to hear. I expect to see both of you when Enterprise is at the remembrance ceremony for the destruction of Vulcan in 5.1 month’s time.” Before Spock could respond, his father was no longer on the screen.

5.1 months later, Spock and James survived the initial visit with Sarek with minimal damage and Spock only eating two chocolate bars. His relationship with his father was improving, but it was still complicated. He tried to tell himself that at least he did not have someone like James former stepfather to contend with.

For Spock’s sake, James survived the snide comments that are not meant to be snide and the subtle insults. James has way too much fun responding to the idiots that call him very insulting things in Vulcan completely unaware that James knew exactly what they were saying.

After the mandatory time with his father, forced public appearances, and avoiding invasive questions from reporters that care more about Jim’s personal life than anything else, the rest of their time on the colony became a restful vacation with vast quantities of sexual intercourse. They both preferred this.

XXX

Four weeks after the second anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan and their subsequent visit to see Spock’s father, the Enterprise was assigned to lead the relief efforts the planet $#%#% or Money for short. (Most people refer to the planet as Money in standard due to the first character in the native name resembling the old dollar sign of earth.)

Planet Money had a very small population of 509,067 people do to decades of war and famine. However, that planet was very important to the Federation due to being rich in various minerals and elements, the same minerals and elements responsible for most of the warfare. As a show of good will, the Federation sent Enterprise to deliver supplies and assist with the overall relief effort.

Spock should have known that something was wrong from James’s initial response of, “Starfleet and the Federation wouldn’t give a fuck about the dying children if it wasn’t for all the dilithium on the planet.” Because his partner usually gets upset over the less altruistic motives of Starfleet, Spock did not realize that Jim’s reaction was caused by a completely different reason.

It was not until three days later when he saw his James literally shaking as they visited one of the refugee camps that Spock realized something was very wrong.

“Are you okay?” Spock asked as he pulled James away from the rest of the team.

“I’m fine.” Jim said with shaky breath as he refused to look Spock in the eye.

“As I have told you several times, the term fine can mean various things in standard from ‘I am actually okay’ to ‘I am falling apart but I am not going to tell you that’. In this case is it the former or the ladder?” Spock asked poignantly.

“The latter, I think we have been together too long. You know me too well.”

“What is wrong?” Spock questioned as he wrapped his hand around James not caring who saw. Most individuals on the crew would not understand the intimacy of the gesture and those that understood would already know that they were together. However, at that moment he did not care about the consequences.

“I can give out rations and help triage those who need medical care but I cannot be in charge right now. I thought I could do it. Every time I see a starving child, I keep flashing back to when I was a desperate 15 year old, even if the children here have purple hair and lavender skin.”

 

After being together for 15.3 months Spock doesn’t know certain things about Jim’s childhood including anything that happened between the ages 13 to 15. What he does know of Jim’s childhood is enough to make him not ask questions. Instead, he takes over the mission without Jim actually saying that he was “emotionally compromised”. Spock knows his lover enough at this point to know that is true without hearing the words.

They went back to the ship instead of staying on the planet as originally intended that night. Dr. McCoy was the one who suggested it and Spock was grateful for that. The moment they walked into their shared quarters, Jim had him pinned against one of the walls as he devours Spock’s mouth. Uniforms were ripped off in the haste to connect physically. Even though Spock was technically topping in this specific physical encounter, he was the one who ended up covered in bruises and bite marks.

Spock still found it fascinating that most people on the crew have no idea that James was the one responsible for these marks. The current rumor circulating through the ship is that he and James were both dating Nyota.

After that particular round of lovemaking with James, he began to hear the entire sorted story.

“When I was 13 I got caught by my junior high principle making out with some boy that I can’t even remember the name of. Probably because the principle already hated me for some of my less than ideal student behavior, he made a big deal about it. Instead of hearing my side of this story, my mom ships me off to live with her sister and her husband. It isn’t until years later that I learned that my mom only did it so she could take some off planet mission.” There was so much pain in Jim’s voice it was consuming.

“I am sorry about that.”

“I thought apologies were illogical especially when you were not responsible. At first, it was not that bad. It was kind of like a vacation. It was also nice for once to have parental figures that actually love me. At least one did anyway. Then the famine came.” James closed his eyes as he said the last part.

“I don’t remember hearing about any severe famine that would have taken place on earth at that time?” Spock asked as he held onto his lover more tightly.

“Did I forget to mention that this all took place on Tarsus IV?” Spock stayed quiet at that.

“When we were on the new colony a couple weeks ago, I had lunch with the other you that day your father insisted that the two of you have lunch together privately. I was curious to find out if the other me, with the supposedly perfect childhood, avoided the entire Tarsus thing. He didn’t.” Jim became quiet at that.

“That is most unfortunate.”

“He ended up on the planet for almost the same reason. In the other dimension dad got a new position that was not child friendly. Instead of mom staying behind, Sam got shipped off to college early and I got shipped off to Tarsus IV or rather, the other me. The only difference is the famine occurred two years earlier in the other timeline.”

 “How could that happen?” Spock asked in puzzlement.

“Thanks to all the scientific breakthroughs in this dimension, the scientists on Tarsus were able to synthesize an anecdote for the fungus that was killing the crops. It worked well for two years. Then the fungus mutated and the anecdote was completely useless. Because everybody trusted the scientists so much, nobody thought to store extra supplies. The scientists were the first to ‘disappear’.” James said in a whisper as he held onto Spock so tightly he was becoming extremely pale.

“What do you mean by disappear?” Spock asked his boyfriend, trying to remember everything he could about the tragedy.

“I’m sure you know a lot about what happen on that planet. Most people don’t realize that the majority of the people didn’t die because of starvation but because they were murdered by the government and the governor. In the other dimension, according to other you, it happened all of the same time. In this dimension, it happened in stages.” This was something that was not public knowledge and obviously classified.

“You do not need to continue.” Spock said in a whisper as Jim started shaking again.

“Yes I do. You are the only one I trust to know the entire story. First, it was the scientists, but nobody asked questions because everybody blamed them for the famine. They put so much faith in the scientists, no one prepared for a worst case scenario and therefore the famine hit hard quickly.”

“Then the non-humans started to disappear. Apparently, when people start panicking, the first thing that comes out is their inner xenophobia.” This did not surprise Spock given his childhood.

“The next people to disappear were those with disabilities. By this point, people were starting to ask questions so they lied and said that they were taking individuals with unique needs to a special place. That special place just happened to be an execution chamber.” James’s voice became shaky again like earlier that morning as a single tear fell.

“At this point, the colony just received word that the Federation was not sending help for months. That was when the real chaos began. There was looting and people being shot for whatever food they had. At the same time, my next door neighbors Robert and Jack disappeared along with their son Aaron. I didn’t know at the time, but the couple were murdered a week before their seventh wedding anniversary. I don’t know what happened to Aaron.” He has never seen his lover so unhinged before and this frightened him. James actually broke down in tears as he described his aunt’s murder at the hand of the protection forces.

“My uncle blamed me for some reason and decided to turn me in. I couldn’t believe that someone who supposedly loved to me was willing to send me off to die. I think I was worth an extra week of rations. I don’t know. He didn’t live long enough for me to ask him why he did it.” The tears were gone again replaced with a hard expression that worried him even more.

“I was picked off the street without warning and thrown into a black van. Normally when this happens, no one sees you again. Fortunately, for me the woman who interrogated me found me attractive. She couldn’t believe such a beautiful boy like me was gay and gave me the opportunity to prove it. She was the first person I had sex with.” Although Jim did not use the terms rape or sexual assault, it was obvious that the situation was anything but consensual.

“As long as I kept having sex with her I had food and I did not end up in the execution chamber. I used my position to save anyone I could. From the Child X situation, I learned that public humiliation and outcry were great motivators to actually get things changed. I put together a video file of what was going on and sent it to Jane. Under threat of a public relations nightmare, Starfleet showed up in time to keep another 1000 people from being executed. Too bad we didn’t have some really important natural resource like on this planet, than maybe 16,000 more people would still be alive.” The bitterness in Jim’s voice was highly evident.

“Although on the bright side, in this dimension Kodos was arrested and subsequently executed, because the rescue team knew to bring peacekeeping forces. In the other dimension he escaped and went into hiding for nearly 20 years.”

“You do not have to go back down there tomorrow.” Spock said to his lover. Spock was literally sickened by this story. He would be up the entire night meditating to recover from a mental anguish he was feeling.

“Yes I do. I have to find a way to exercise my own demons. It will be cathartic or so I have been told. You’ll be there the entire time anyway.”

 “I will be wherever you need me to be,” He said kissing James softly.

“I feel better just talking to you. Nobody else knows everything that happened. Jane knows most of it, but I told her I was sent off to be executed because of my allergies not my sexual orientation. You’re the only one I Trust to know everything about me.” James words were reassuring.

“I will never do anything to lose your trust.” Spock said as he continued to stroke James’s stomach until he fell asleep.

XXXX

As the child of an ambassador, as well as, being one of the first human Vulcan hybrid Spock spent a great deal of his life under close scrutiny of the media. However, that was nothing compared to what he went through during his relationship with James. Due to his good looks, Jim instantly became the poster boy for Starfleet and brought Spock along despite his protest.

Due to the massive amount of casualties during what is now referred to as the battle of Vulcan; recruitment and rebuilding the image of Starfleet became number one priority. According to Jim, 98% of their missions were PR related. Those were not the exact words James used that Spock prefers not to repeat those specific expletives. Spock could not help but agree with his James when the Enterprise was assigned to appear at the remembrance ceremony on the new Vulcan colony for the third year in a row. Being used as Starfleet’s token Vulcan was becoming quite distasteful.

The interviews were invasive before they started asking relationship questions. Most journalists, and Spock uses the term loosely, only saw him and James as means to increase their hit count. The only reporter that Spock did not find highly intrusive was Admiral Barnett’s Wife as her public persona of Jane Que Public.

Rather ,she was not intrusive on camera. She has asked him many highly inappropriate questions over the years. Fortunately, all were asked in private. He will never forget her ‘congratulations you finally figured it out’ present, even if he wished he could.

It was foolish for him and James to think that the general public would be oblivious to the sexual nature of their relationship indefinitely. Six months into his relationship with James, 10.3% of the crew knew for sure that he and James were lovers. Another 12.6% suspected such a thing.

(Spock is still not sure how Nyota came about such statistics. Spock was just happy that they were actually speaking to each other again. They were friends again after she forced him to take her shopping one shore leave and made him buy whatever she wanted under duress. He despises shopping. He does not understand why she made him buy her three pairs of highly expensive vintage 21st century Prada shoes that were completely impractical for even diplomatic dinners let alone every day use.)

At the same time, many reporters were starting to figure out that he and James were more than friends. The reporters were always fascinated with James’s dating habits. Therefore, reporters and others notice when he was no longer as promiscuous as his legend would indicate. Many were suspicious early on for that reason alone.

When Spock started escorting James to almost every single diplomatic event, some people who were more open minded began to question their relationship. Others went completely into ‘denial mode’ as is the human expression.

He and Jim decided early on in their relationship, that they did not want to go public but their friends and family would know the truth. They did not go out of their way to hide that they were in love with each other, but were not planning to have a press conference. Surprisingly, Spock was the one who suggested this arrangement because he knew James valued his privacy. Even if it made him slightly uncomfortable, James was willing to go public if it would make Spock happy.

It was only logical for rumors to occur in the media given the amount of time they spent together. Suspicion increased dramatically once images started showing up of the two spending shore leave together or of the two exiting his father’s house on the new colony. Fortunately, because nothing overt occurred in these images, most people assumed they were just friends. For some people it was still enough to cast suspicion.

By the two-year mark, reporters were starting to ask specific questions about the possibility that he and James were lovers. By mutual agreement, they did not necessarily lie, but merely chose not to answer with the entire truth. Spock did enjoy using his superior logic against the invasive reporters who had no respect for anyone’s privacy whatsoever.

By the time of the Babel conference almost three years into his and Jim’s relationship, it was obvious that it was time to let everyone know.

“When I was shopping with Nyota this afternoon she mentioned that Barbara Sawyer is now going through my trash in hopes of getting a big rating grabbing story for sweeps.” James said as they were laying completely naked post orgasm in their room. For some unknown reason, most of their most important conversations have happened immediately after intercourse. The rest usually happen in the bathroom.

“I assume you mean that in the metaphorical sense. Due to the fact that almost all waste on Enterprise is recycled, it would be quite difficult for her to find actual trash.” Spock quipped.

 

“She is snooping around trying to find an ex boyfriend or even girlfriend that want their 15 minutes of fame, even if it means trashing me. Barbara is currently stalking Nyota’s old friend Shawn. He is back in San Francisco working on his law degree. That makes him an easier target compared to many of my other living former partners. Fortunately for me, Shawn believes in the importance of privacy.” James said as he wrapped his arms more tightly around Spock.

“You are worried.” He said it as a statement not a question.

“You’re so good at reading me. I don’t want to wake up and find my dirty laundry aired on Gossip World, not that I consider you dirty laundry. If we are going to go public, I want it on our terms and not theirs.” At that, moment Spock picked up on James’s ‘I am planning something big’ expression.

“What are you planning, T’hy’la?” Spock asked.

“I love it when you call me that.” Jim said as he started placing hot open mouth kisses across Spock’s chest and abdomen. “It makes me want to do all sorts of inappropriate things to you.” James started licking his belly button at that.

“Do not distract me with your tongue.”

“I don’t know. There are a lot of things I can do with my tongue that are very distracting.” Before Jim could prove his point, Spock physically pulled him up.

“I will allow no such thing until you answer my question.” Spock said forcefully.

“Sometimes you are no fun whatsoever. Fine, I think we should tell Jane when she comes here with the Babel Conference delegation.”

“Jane already knows. If you remember correctly she figured out we were in love with each other before we did.” James responded Spock statement by rolling his eyes.

“I mean we tell Jane on camera. I don’t trust any other reporter not to ask stupid questions. Also, we owe her for keeping this a secret for three years even though it would boost her ratings.” James explained.

“I find that plan acceptable.”

“Is this conversation now over?” James asked.

“Yes,”

“Can I blow you now?”

“I find that agreeable.” Spock said just before James’s mouth was upon him.

XXX

Of course, he was not expecting James to reveal their relationship in that particular interview. Spock was under the impression that it would be a pre-taped segment that they would do later on. He was also not expecting James to propose marriage during a live broadcast. He blames his unbelievable happiness for practically jumping Jim during the ‘live’ transmission. The fact that three members of the Vulcan delegation ended up in sickbay for heart palpitations was an unexpected ‘bonus’. His father was not shocked at all and expected the engagement.

The media fallout was also expected. They had to assign three people just to handle all the press request. Due to her producers finding out she kept their secret for three years, in addition to what happened during a certain interview, Jane was fired again even if she owns half the show. James was not surprised at all.

“Don’t worry. She gets fired a lot. In this case, it was more like they were mad at her and she just decided to resign. Because she now has a lot of free time and has no desire to find a new project any time soon, she has offered to take over planning the wedding as the ‘mother’ of the groom.” Jim said as they were getting ready in there bathroom one morning.

“Why did she make such an offer?”

 

“She was a little bothered by the wedding invitation. There may have been a couple of spelling mistakes. How was I supposed to know not to use spell check? I think Nyota talk her in to it because we are driving her crazy. Where’s my razor?” James asked because he could never find his things in their shared bathroom.

 “Underneath the sink, where it is supposed to be. Will Winona get upset at this?” Spock asked with a sigh.

“Probably, Jane has always been more of a mom to me, so she should get the privilege. We’ll just need to keep them away from each other at the wedding.”

 

XXX

Of course, this did not actually happen and he was forced to utilize the Vulcan nerve pinch to prevent a scene or an arrest. There was also another incident that happened later in the evening the Jim was completely unaware of.

He also had to deal with the uncomfortable situation of seeing his former boyfriend out with his new lover. The awkwardness of the situation was increased by the fact Christopher’s new lover was Shawn, who Jim slept with when he was at the academy.

Two weeks later, after their honeymoon in an undisclosed very remote location where the most interesting activity was sex and Jim modeling his new leather pants, they returned home to find their quarters officially modified and filled with wedding presents.

“I thought we agreed that in lieu of gifts people were supposed to give cash, if they felt it necessary to give us something.” Spock said as he picked up a package of dishware that they will never use until at least retirement.

“Like the people on our crew ever listen to instructions. That is why they’re the best crew in the entire galaxy.” Jim said as he began looking at the presents. “Here’s one from Nyota that is really heavy. I wonder if she got me those new sex toys I asked for.” Spock was not quite sure if Jim was being serious or not.

“That would probably be Jane. I hope she does not get her biological children those types of presents.” Spock remarked dryly.

“Baby, let it go. It was a gag gift that happened to be very useful that first time.” James said as he disregarded the card without reading it any further. Inside were about 30 books from the 20th century. Some seem to be duplicates of the poetry books that James was always borrowing from Nyota. For some reason he noticed a few tears running down James face.

“Why is her present making you upset?” Spock asked wiping the tears away.

“I am not upset. Trust me, I am very happy. A long time ago during the beginning of the mission she asked me why I didn’t keep any hard copy books even though I preferred them to digital copy. Back then, I’d told her it was because I never had a home to keep such things. I never had anybody before who loved me unconditionally exactly the way I am. I’ve never had someone who really saw me and still loved me. I did not know what home was.” James said sadly.

“Now?” Spock asked.

“You are my home.” Spock could not agree more as he kissed his love once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes:   
> This was supposed to be a very short story and its well over 50,000 words. This story also now has two sequels. Because the new film is now out I’m going to be focusing on new stories for the next couple weeks but as I have time, I will start reposting the revised version of the sequels here.  
> For those of you who’ve read both versions let me know if you liked this version better.


End file.
